Hello all! I hope you are doing well^^ Anyways, as I've always said, regarding the "straight" side of my sexuality, that I have noticed that I do have strong emotional attraction to the men that I've liked (which hasn't been many; I haven't fallen in love with many people, male or female, only a few), however, I rarely have any sexual attraction to men. That last part is what I'm getting confused about... Okay, so sometimes I do enjoy boy x boy smut in fanfiction, like it arouses me - However, when I try to think about me and male having sex, my mind pushes it away, like I get almost scared of the idea - I never really thought about having sex with a male until recently because I questioned my sexuality, but whenever I tried to think about it - It feels unpleasent, I feel violated, and I automatically want to change the situation to having sex with a girl. And when I tried to, I'm sorry if this is gross, but like when I tried thinking about my bias from EXO, Kai, a while back while touching myself, it wasn't doing anything and I had to think sexually about girls for me to get aroused. And I was suprised it didn't work because I got aroused by reading rated M fanfics with him and another member of the band, but I don't know, it just didn't happen. I know I am more sexually attracted to girls, but I just want to know what's going on with me, sexual attraction, and males. Maybe my confusing sexual situation with men is because I am scared of rape, like real bad, and maybe I'm not letting myself experience full attraction with a man, because I feel if I do get raped by a man, if I'd got aroused or something, it'd be my fault - And I just don't want to be subject to that kind of thing happening, you know? And I know not all men are rapists, I actually really like men, but I don't know about sexually... All I know is that most of my sexual fantasies have always been with girls and that I am more sexually aroused by them... However, I only like M rated boy x boy fanfiction, but other than that, I can't imagine ME having sex with a male, it just doesn't do it for me... So, what do you guys think is going on? Is something wrong with me? Is fear of rape getting in the way of feeling sexual things toward men? And does being aroused by M rated boy x boy fanfiction mean anything? I know this all weird and everything, but I really just want to know what is going on here. Thank you for any help!
I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I can tell you I'm in a similar position trying to piece out my feelings toward men, while I am pretty certain I am indeed attracted to women. Men are a little more confusing. In my mind I still have a picture of me being with a guy, and occasionally I find guys attractive, but having been with a guy I loved and it just not working physically gives me great pause about my sexual future with males. Maybe I was just less sexual then, or maybe I just have a mild attraction to men but moreso to women, or maybe I just still have in my head I should like men and therefore I tell myself I do? It's funny you mention fanfiction because girlxgirl fanfic is what started leading me to question my sexuality lately. I started reading because I was interested in the characters but I then started questioning *why* I was so into it, heh. Then of course cue all the girl crushes I've had in the past clicking into place in my mind. I don't think necessarily though on the basis of fanfic alone can you judge your sexuality. I do think you need to address this fear of rape you have, however. I'm going to ask you a very personal question, and if you don't want to answer it please just disregard it. But, have you been raped or sexually assaulted in some way? Or is this more of a vague fear? Either way... I think you need to deal with this fear in order to better understand your feelings for men. Once you've put that aside (and I understand it's not as simple as that, of course) you can probably assess things more easily. While I don't have a fear of rape like you I do feel very nervous and uncomfortable around men, and I feel like that may be affecting my feelings toward them sexually, as well as my desire or lack thereof to be in a relationship with them. Whether it is a cause or not, you can't really be certain that your feelings are coming from a place innate within you, or if they are arising from other issues you have until you confront those issues.
I read girl x girl too and I really enjoy it as well. And to answer your question, well, I don't like talking about it but I feel as if something did happen, but I can't remember it clearly at all. I figure it's nothing though and I don't consider myself rape victim. I'm very silent about it though. But yes, I feel this fear is preventing from truly knowing who I am and I am working on it. Thank you so much for your help! And in your case, I say you lean more to women too, although I feel that hetero-normativity may be something you are struggling with and hindering you from really letting yourself explore what you want! Good luck on your journey to figuring out who you are though
I'll try to help you with your questions. First of all, reading fanfiction, enjoying porn or smut regarding certain genders, doesn't say much about your sexuality. There are a LOT of instances where exclusive lesbians (And by exclusive I mean a solid kinsey 6 with no exceptions) are more aroused by gay male porn or yaoi fanfiction than they are with anything with women. (Personally, I'm sort of similar...I think with actual pornography I prefer gay male, while with fanfiction I like all same-sex stuff) Now, I'm not saying this makes YOU a lesbian, certainly not since you do experience falling for guys pretty hard. I'm just saying if It's making you feel doubtful or "wrong" about yourself, there are a lot of people in that boat who like porn that they wouldn't want to act out themselves. Now personally if I had to define your sexuality, I would say you were bi, but you have a sexual fear of men. It doesn't really mean that changes your sexuality just because you're repulsed right now but maybe I can help you. Now there are two reasons why you equate sex to men being violent or like rape: 1) You are a rape or sexual abuse victim yourself who hasn't healed. or 2) You have never been sexually abused but you've been conditioned to believe sex with men is aggressive or violent (A lot of straight porn is rough and misogynistic). Heterosexist/sexist society shows straight sex as very one-sided where It's only for the guy's pleasure (Due to an old age belief that women were property and couldn't speak up about their sexual needs). It seems like you might be in the gray area of the two, and I would definitely recommend a therapist if you ever wanted to be intimate with a guy and didn't want to be in fear. If you don't ever want to be intimate with a guy though, that's fine too. You don't need to seek help for that then and can just stick with women. It also might help to know that sex with men doesn't have to be different from sex with women. (I'm not saying you're like this, but this is an example due to my experiences and feelings): For example, if you didn't like straight sex because you don't like being penetrated (and this can include giving blowjobs as well) you can talk to the guy to do different things; things that you like doing with women, and some guys will be okay with this. I wish you luck!
Oh my goodness, this helped a lot! Okay, so now I am not confused by the fanfiction anymore, that it doesn't have much do to with my actual sexuality - And well, I don't think I was raped, all there's these little bits and pieces of sexual incident that seemed to have happened but I can't remember too clearly - But other than that, well, my mom kind of scares me when she talks about rape - Like she scared me about being at school for tutoring during after school hours; See, my dad sometimes can't take off of work to pick me up at 5 and then my brother's caregiver isn't always going to pick me up either, and she was saying things like "You might have to come back home earlier because your dad can't pick you up and Carol (caregiver) might not be here for your brother until after five and they have all those boys hanging around the school..." And she says stuff like that a lot. I really don't want to have sex with a guy, but then no guy would probably even continue to be with me if I don't give him sex, you know? However, the last thing you mentioned about just sticking to certain things like how I would do with a woman... That sounds perfect, because it's the idea of penetration and having a male's genitalia inside of me that really scares me... But maybe I could be okay with touching & masturbation, I don't completely know about that though... However, I will try to work it out and try to face this fear. Then again, I am leaning more towards women in this point of my life and have a girlfriend now, so yeah, maybe if we break up, I'll think about it more - Though I hope we don't though^^ Thank you so SO much for your help though, you gave some really great advice!!
I'm so glad I helped:icon_bigg I'm glad the fanfiction thing makes sense for you now. As for the warnings of rape from family, then yeah, I can definitely understand why you are fearful of it now. Oh, I'm definitely not telling you to have sex with a guy if you don't want to. I'm just saying that if you ever considered the possibility and were turned off by it because of the mechanics of straight sex, there could be other options to explore. There's manual stimulation (Handjob or fingering on his side), Oral sex (If you don't like blowjobs either, some guys are fine with just being the giver), and my personal favorite being pegging (which more and more straight guys are getting into as much as they would deny it). Or you also don't have to do anything with guys at all, if women make you happier emotionally and sexually, you can stick to them. And there are some asexual men out there who might not mind a sexless relationship too. But yeah, I'm glad I helped!
I'm glad to help where I can. I'm sorry you've been through something that (sounds like?) it may have been painful, but I'm glad you're willing to try to move past it and to try to challenge those fears your mother has been putting in you. Our parents always mean well and want to protect us, but sometimes they end up pushing their own insecurities onto us, instead. But, it's good you're starting to recognize where those fears are coming from. Thank you, and I think you are absolutely right that while I have no qualms with LGBT people, I feel like hetero-normativity is indeed inhibiting me from totally acknowledging certain parts of myself. You live your life expecting things to be a certain way, and you do your best to fulfill that, but I guess in some cases, you find it's just... not working. Trying to live up to other people's expectations and finding that you may not be able to do so is also hard. Regardless, I am happy to see you are allowing yourself to be open, and to explore parts of yourself and your life that may be more than a bit frightening. I'm also happy to hear you are with a girl you are happy with
