I think I have been convincing myself I am straight for a long time

It's normal to feel terrified when it's all new to you. I've known that I liked women for a long time now and I'm still scared to come out to my family. You are who you are though, you can't change that. So if you want to date a woman, go for it. You don't have to decide on what to label yourself right away. Find a person being with whom makes you happy. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you live your life how you want to live your life.

 

I wish you were in my parish and could talk to my pastor about this. You're not alone.

I think killingmoon said it well though. And try not to analyze too much. Do some dating. Try to keep your heart open to new experiences. As you allow yourself possibilities, your preferences will become clearer.

We need more clergy that are open-minded, so many blessings to you in your journey. In my church, one of our vestry and our organist are gay and out. No one bats an eye.

Hugs.

 

I'm not sure what denomination you are associated with or what seminary you are referring to, but remember that there are several Christian denominations that are open and affirming and open to you even in ministry.

I have lived in the shadows for so long because I was afraid of being rejected by my "church family." Don't let your calling keep you in the dark. Find a community of faith that is open and affirming of who you were created to be.

Peace.

 

I didn't "always know" either. What your feeling sounds like more than just friendship; crying is your body's way of telling you that you have emotional needs that are not being met. It's incredibly overwhelming to all of a sudden have the realization and have to process it alone; could you try to find someone to talk to about it? It's easy to get sucked into your own thoughts and caught up in your own troubles and blow everything out of proportion if you can't get someone else's perspective.

As for your acceptance of it: I think it's one thing to be an ally and an entirely different thing to accept yourself. I think that's a pretty common struggle, especially for people who were brought up in a liberal environment accepting of LGBT people but still couldn't accept their own desires. It's a period of mourning for the loss of your straight self, which is different from uncovering something that you can't accept. Give it time; things will fall into place and the question of gay/bi/straight will sort itself out.

With regards to career path: I know nothing about going into ministry, but I imagine that there might be some options for you to explore here. It's great that you found your passion; could you pursue it in a more accepting environment? There are plenty of LGBT-friendly churches around the U.S., and there is a need for more. Otherwise, I don't see how you could be completely happy repressing this side of you and keeping it a secret. If you want to lead a congregation, then living honestly is probably the best thing you can do for them. Show yourself love and it will reflect in what you do and say. So by all means pursue your dreams; but I'm hoping there's a way for you to do so in a way that doesn't require you to stay in the closet.

Family and friends... that's a whole other issue. Give it some time and you'll know what to do when the time comes to tell them or not; it'll probably vary on an individual basis. You're dealing with something big here; don't let every single other concern come up at the same time. One step at a time.

---------- Post added 24th May 2014 at 11:35 AM ----------

By the way I know a synagogue with a gay female rabbi. Maybe you could be your denomination's equivalent!

 

The minister at my church is gay. I'm a UU and that's completely accepted. As for Christian denominations, I know that the UCC is very open and accepting. My wife is from Alabama. Although I'm not Southern, I've visited many times over the last 25 years. I understand the cultural barriers you may face. But, I urge you to be true to yourself. Just visit the Later in Life forum if you want an idea of the pain long term denial can cause. Hugs and good luck.

 

Well... Internet dating is a logical first choice, whether straight, gay, or otherwise. But knowing a bit about your background, I'm going to suggest something additional:

Pray. Write a list of every potential quality you would like in a partner, and then pray over it.
Because God is pretty good about giving us what we need, when we are brave enough to admit it to ourselves.

 

Many of us have done this, but for me I was more trying to convince others, not myself. I knew I was queer. =)