I'm a grenade that has a time tickling , I think if I don't tell anyone about this I'm probably gonna explode. I've been dealing with this issue through out my entire life and not a single person know who I truly am besides random people that I'm never gonna meet. So I am 20 years old, being raised as a roman catholic isn't really easy for me. I feel like my whole family looked down upon people with different orientation. I know they love me but I dont think they will be very accepting. Or they might accept me but I just really dont want to disappoint them. So growing up I had the same mentality as them that being different is morally wrong. I haven't really thought about telling anyone so I apologized in advance if this is going to be rambling and confusing I haven't really formulated my thought and I'm just gonna say whats in my minds and this is going to be very disorganized. I felt like this is going to be very long. I'm sorry if it is but I just need to let this out, so maybe I could breath and actually express myself in a way that I can be honest for once in my life. Growing up I had always have female crushes, I think I'm very attracted to girls but it had change around puberty time. I think when people see me in their perspective, I am such a jolly, fun, adventurous, out going, loud, obnoxious and a typical happy go lucky type of person. But to be honest, I've always wanted to act happy and there is always something missing, I felt like part of me is never truly happy. I always seek for other peoples acceptance yet I cant even truly accept myself for what I truly am. I think it would be best to talk about my background information. So for as long as I could remember I've always been conflicted with my sexuality. I think I should start from the very beginning. It all started when I was younger, I don't really remember much but I was probably really really young like 7 or 8, when my older cousin would experiment with me. I really didn't know anything about sexual stuff but he was my first encounter. My older cousin would beg me to perform oral on him and at first I don't know what to do and he would force me to do it until part of me liked it. I was introduced to sex at a very early age and I think it has to have detrimental ramifications. It really never bothered me before but now that I looked back from it. It was really fucked up on what he did to me. It always makes me wonder if I was molested as a child but I feel like it was consensual and I enjoyed it which is sick. He made it seemed like it was our game and told me no one should know about it. I am so confuse on what I am now. I always try my best finding information on my own and I think its best to get other peoples perspective on this. Experimenting with my cousin had been going on for few years until I told him to stop and that I don't want to do it anymore. When it all stop at first it all seemed really normal, when I was going to school I would have female crushes since first grade to 6th grade. People would never even notice that I live a double life. When it all stop I think part of me wasn't really aware of what is really going on. I felt like messing around with other people sexually is normal and even tho I also feel like its not. At first first it was all normal and I had so much more encounter with guys. Growing up I became very sexually active from maybe 7 to 9 years old with my cousin. I decided to stop but part of me keep wanting more. When I was like 11 to 12 I was already aware that what we have been doing is not normal. Since then I grew up being conscious about it, I really fought with my gay thoughts. Although, I'm attracted to girls but how do I know if what I feel is genuine? Knowing that it was not okay to like guys, I feel like I didn't really payed attention with guys so growing up i liked girls. Sometimes I feel like my judgement were just clouded by my desire to not be gay. So I feel like I was just forcing my self to like them even though my first real crush was a girl, I think I was deeply in love with her (puppy love). When I was like 11 to 13 I was very sexually active and all of my sexual encounters are with guys not until 17 when I first got laid with a girl. Its crazy how easily accessible to have sexual encounter with guys. I fooled around with my middle school best friend, my neighbor, my other cousin its crazy how those happened when I was in the age of 11 to 13. It makes me wonder if other people have the same experience. Its crazy how I've done those things at such a young age. It really affected me while growing up, with my catholic upbringing it really bothered the hell out of me. I fought my demons and I remember always going to church and I would pray to God to please make it stop and I don't want to be gay and I don't want to be in hell. I remember crying about it and making it stop, I feel so disgusted why I like doing what I was doing. The worst thing is I can't even really tell anyone about my situation. As crazy as it sounds I don't think anyone close to me knew about what was going on. Although, I think I got caught before by my brother but he doesn't seem to remember it now. No one know about my situation and its killing me.. I wish I would be able to tell anyone close to me but I just cant. I'm too scared. When I was 13 my family moved to a different state, and it was sorta a brand new life, I stop hooking up with guys. Since then I've always tried putting my dark past behind me yet it keeps haunting me. I was in denial. I'm confuse and I really don't really wanna be gay but I don't think I really have much choice. I know that I'm not straight and I don't think I'm fully gay either. I really don't know I might be. I've had girl friends before and I don't know I was happy the first few months, It was very sexually satisfying yet a year and a half later something is just missing. I tried stopping not being attracted to guys when I was younger but was never really successful.. and before I didn't seem to like guys like that because they are just too available so I was more focused on girls. But know I have guy crushes too like girls, but I don't know if I'm able to love a guy like that. Is it weird that when I think of guys like for example I watched gay porn and when I ejaculate I feel guilty and didn't wanna do it ever again but I know that's a lie because I will eventually look at it or hook up with a guy. Once again I'm sorry if nothing above made sense it just feels good letting it out finally. I wished I can talk to someone about it, but I'm really scared especially talking to a person that is close to me. I'm scared of rejection, I don't want the people that I care the most think of me differently. I recently broke up with my girlfriends because things aren't really working out. I still have a lot to say but I guess its enough for now.
Please don't feel guilty about all of this. It's obvious that it's putting a hell of a lot of strain on you, and I think it's great that at least you've put it into words. It's very hard to discuss things like this with parents and siblings, I can sympathize. Remember, a lot of people screw around as kids. It's just exploring human sexuality, and human bodies. It really doesn't mean anything. Don't feel guilty about it, and don't feel guilty about feeling attraction towards men now, either. It's completely normal, and that's why there's so many members on this site. it's NORMAL. If this is something that's bothering you so much that you can't deal with it on a day-to-day basis, you may want to seek a therapist. There should be a counselor at your school who could refer you. I think it'd help to keep talking about this sort of stuff so that it doesn't keep growing inside of you and worrying you to death.
