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In love with boyfriend, but questioning sexuality. Please help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by innerturmoil, May 27, 2014.

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  1. innerturmoil

    innerturmoil
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    I am 29 years old, and have been with my boyfriend (BF) for 1.5 years. He is everything I dreamt of finding. He makes my heart smile, and I feel like myself around him. And I rarely feel like this around others. I envision marrying him and am even open to having kids with him, something I was never interested in before.

    But. I do not find myself physically aroused all the time with him. For instance, when showering together he will have an erection, and i do not feel aroused. Yet sometimes, I do feel like I need to kiss his lips, and feel his embrace/body (and I feel so in love at those moments!). We have not had intercourse (nor oral sex) as he wants to wait for marriage. I am a virgin, and in fact he was my first kiss at 28. I do want to have intercourse with him, but do not want to pressure him. A part of me wonders if I'm clueless about arousal since I'm so sexually inexperienced. Is it fine for me to not always be sexually aroused by sight of him? Am I suppressing my true sexual urges/reactions BC I know we wont have sex?

    Nine months into our relationship, I started looking at women in a very sexual way. This was a new feeling. I've had several episodes over the last 9 months where I have seriously questioned my sexuality. At the height of these episodes (they last about 2 weeks), my inner "voice" is yelling at me, telling me that I'm a lesbian and to come out to my family. Is this my gut speaking? I dream about it, and its always on my mind until the episode subsides. I think what triggers the episodes is my fear of commitment and sexual intimacy.

    I have never had a crush on a woman, always boys. But I wonder what it is like to touch a woman, suck on her breasts, and to receive oral sex from her. I'm undecided on whether i want to be in a relationship with a woman. I would not rule it out, but honestly I want to be in a relationship with my boyfriend. The thought of losing him makes me cry. I expressed this dillema to him, and he is fine with me experimenting, but the thought of liking a female sexual experience and losing him is what gives me pause.

    When I hear stories of women who leave their boyfriends/husbands for women, I always wonder if that will be me. When i see lesbian couples, it resonates with me. When I see attractive woman with a shapely body, I take notice. I haven't registered if it makes my groin tingle...

    When I think about my boyfriend penetrating me, my groin does tingle. When I think about a sexual experience with a woman, I wonder what she could teach me about pleasure and technique.

    Please help me make sense of these feelings and what I could do?
     
    #1 innerturmoil, May 27, 2014
  2. stocking

    stocking Guest

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    I can't tell you your sexuality but you sound very much attracted to women , maybe you have not met a woman yet where you developed a romantic feelings for .
    In stead of focusing on labels I suggest you ask yourself what is it you truly want do you want to be with your boyfriend and stay with him or do you want to be with other women ?
    Leave labeling for later focus on what you want for now .
     
    #2 stocking, May 27, 2014
  3. all paths

    all paths
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    Agree.

    This seems like it would be the most helpful, and least confusing way to go about things.

    One thing I do suggest though is to not commit to a relationship right now while you're still experiencing questioning about your wants. Some people seem to try "deciding" for their current boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship almost as if by making a firmer commitment to or decision for them, they will make the other questions magically settle themselves and/or disappear. This almost unfailingly backfires.

    It also ends up hurting the other person worse, because when you said "no, I choose you" they chose (and wanted, possibly with their whole heart) to believe you. It's better to come back to them later, if it's meant to be. (And if it's meant to be, they'll still want you.)
     
    #3 all paths, May 28, 2014
  4. lowkey

    lowkey Guest

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    well he said he is fine with you experimenting, right? use the app on iphone 'brenda' and hookup with a woman and see if it is for you
     
    #4 lowkey, May 28, 2014
  5. paris

    paris
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    Hello innerturmoil, welcome to EC. You've got good advice already.
    We can't tell you if you're gay or not, it's your job to make, but there are many signs showing that you're not 100% straight.

    I can understand that you want to be in relationship with your boyfriend, I was there, done that, but I also advise you not to rush into commitment until you're really sure about your sexuality. (I realized I'm gay after 13 years with my boyfriend and, believe me, it's not fun to end the relationship, but sometimes we don't know who we really are until later in life. *sigh* I was also a "late bloomer" and he's my first and only relationship.)

    About some of your questions, it's fine not to be sexually aroused every time you see him naked, sometimes we're not in the mood and stuff, but I don't think there's a correlation between lack of arousal and sexual inexperience, or knowing you won't have sex anyway. Your boyfriend also knows you two won't have sex but it doesn't stop his erection.
    Maybe you just have a lower sex drive? It could be that you're overall wired that way, or could be that one gender turns you on more than the other.
    There's also a difference between feeling like kissing someone and cuddling, and feeling like wanting to have a sexual intercourse with them. The first speaks more about romantic attraction, while the latter about sexual attraction.
    I don't think what triggers your "episodes" is your fear of commitment and sexual intimacy though. If you were scared of intimacy you wouldn't be looking at women in sexual way, right?

    You don't need to label yourself right away but you deserve to be true to yourself, and do some soul searching, not to try to sweep it under the carpet.
     
    #5 paris, May 29, 2014
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