Hi yall. I'm so glad this forum is here. I'm doing some important questioning about myself, and I'm trying to add all the facts together so I can come to some sort of conclusion. I've been with girls all my life, from 3rd grade up to college, but I still fantasize about sucking cock and having sex with men. I even own a dildo. I can confidently say I've been in love with women, but never a guy, never even an inkling. However, this is the part that I feel weird about, I can't get an erection watching a woman. Vaginas are just...okay. I can defintely get an erection when I'm emotionally attached to a girl. But that could just be best friend feelings that transpire into attachement. I don't know enough to comment really. Now show me penises and I get horny. But not for the male person persay. Just the penises. I often find myself wishing to be able to be super sexy and wear lingirie and get all dolled up like girls can. Not to actually be a girl, but kinda of jealous I can't. I've never had a boyfriend, but I've had a few one night stands that haven't really been that great. I guess I feel like getting into guys because I'm bored with women. It sounds exciting to visualize myself bringing a nice compassionate guy over, but then I wake up the next morning kind of hating myself, almost like internalized homophobia. My feelings about my sexuality feel very mucked up. I remember dancing with a guy at a club and feeling so god aweful because I just was not digging it one bit. I thought typing all this out would even help but I feel even more weird about it. I'm open to try anything but I want to follow my heart first a formost. I also take anti-depressants which can kill sex drive but I can't say if it's killed mine or not. I think it kind of has, leaving me in this weird a-sexual state. But then if I get depressed I get in the same a-sexual state. I feel so a-sexual right now. I think I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about this. I feel really really a-sexual, like I don't pan to one side or the other. That is definitely messing with my identity and how I see myself. Then again, I've never been siding with straight or gay since I was 18 (23 currently). I feel very a-sexual right now, that I know for sure, and I think it's creating a lot of tension inside because I can't make any firm decisions based on my feelings. Well, thanks for this forum, I needed to think/type that one out. I hope for the best for everyone on this sub-forum, cheers.
Maybe you need to sort out your other problems first and then your sexuality will become more clear. I may be wrong but your depression could be having knock on effects causing this.
Have you heard of demisexuality? If not, look it up. That could explain why feelings for girls only develop after you have a connection with them. I agree with the above post, however, you should take some time to sort out other problems first. As for feeling asexual, I have random days or weeks where I feel that way too, but then it goes away. So while you might be asexual, it could also be something similar to my situation. You have plenty of time to figure this out. Good luck!
