Hello, I am an eighteen year old female and my female best friend of four years confessed her love to me today. I was caught off guard by her confession and I told her that I needed some time to think of my answer and that we would definitely need to talk about our feelings. My biggest issue is that I don't know how I feel. I always identified as a heterosexual but I also can't identify the kind of feelings that I have for her. They seem to be beyond the types of feelings I have for my other friends, but I feel hesitant to call the feelings love because I've never been in love before. I tried to imagine myself kissing her or having sex with her but that was difficult because I've never kissed anyone much less had sex, but I also could not visualize me kissing or having sex with a man either. I also have several concerns about dating her if I do decide on my feelings. I know that my family will not be very supportive and I am afraid of labeling myself as a lesbian, because if the relationship doesn't work out then I may fall in love with a man and I am afraid of the discrimination I may face if I do label myself. I've never dated anyone before so all of these feelings are unusual to me and I don't really know what to make of them. I would normally talk to my mom about these things, but I know that she would not be supportive, but I also feel guilty by not telling her these things. Basically, I am a confused, anxious mess and any advice would much appreciated.
You don't HAVE to be either straight or lesbian. There are plenty of bi people out there, and plenty of bi people with a preference to one sex. Here's what you need to ask yourself: Can you see a relationship with her? Ignore the kissing and the sex and all that, but do you feel like you could share a special bond with her that is more than friends? Because if you can then it may be a good idea to be with her. You may not only have a wonderful significant other, but you will also learn more about yourself. Now, keep in mind that there is a risk. If you two do decide to break off the relationship there is a chance that being friends may be difficult. Take that into consideration. Also, don't feel bad about not talking to your mom about this. It's up to you when you think it's time to tell people. I'm still by ready to tell my mum. Anyhoo, best of luck to you and your friend.
I think you should engage in this relationship. As long as you are clear with her about your uncertainty about your feelings and you feel comfortable with that. The thing is things are going to be weird between you 2 whether you start dating and then break-up or not.
I think you should tell your friend exactly what you've told us. Work through it together with her. Other than that, don't worry about what other people will think. Do what makes YOU happy. Good luck.
OH MY GOD, why did I chick on this?! I'm in the same position as your friend, right now. Anyway, I second what Sugarthedog said.
There is no reason to label yourself at all here. She's not asking you to commit to a sexuality (and I hope she's not asking you to commit to a life together)...she's just telling you how she feels about you. I find it significant (not bad, just potentially meaningful) that at 18 you've not kissed anyone or felt yourself in love with anyone...no crushes? Could it be that (rather than "identifying as heterosexual") you've simply accepted that default label by society, but under the surface have been a bit confused about your sexuality for a while...enough so that you haven't let yourself get emotionally or physically close to others? It sounds to me like you're already good friends; close friends; special friends. So, putting aside the question of "what am I?" or any tendency to label yourself as a lesbian or as bisexual (let those come from experience, rather than from a rational decision on your part)...how would you feel about getting closer to her? Sharing more deeply? Put aside the comparison to men (especially to "men generally" or "women generally") and ask yourself, if you and your friend were talking and it was intense (in a good way) and you found your faces getting close...might it feel more "magical" to kiss her? Or is "disgusting" or "off-putting" a better word? In terms of talking to her, I agree with confused...tell her what you've told us (as well as any other insights you may gain from what any of us say)...be honest. Do not feel that you have to return her love...you're under no obligation there. Just be honest. But she has opened herself up to you in a rather daring way, possibly after much soul-searching and agonizing, and is probably all on pins and needles about your response...so I would suggest having this conversation with her soon, one way or the other. Very best wishes to you both. We'll be curious to hear about the outcome or what you decide.
Hello again, Thanks to you all for replying, it really does help! I just wanted to let everyone know that I am planning to talk to her tomorrow about it. I think maybe the best thing to do would be to tell her these things and see where goes? Like to not go into the conversation expecting one outcome or another. I honestly think my biggest issue with being in a relationship with her would be the social backlash. I'm from a pretty small, conservative town so I know people would treat me differently if they knew we were in a relationship. I also know that my parents would treat me very differently as well. And I am very close to both of my parents, so I wouldn't want to damage my relationship with them by getting into a relationship with my friend. I guess I could keep our relationship a secret from them if we do decide to get into one, but I'm not sure I'll be comfortable keeping secrets from them. Everything just seems so complicated! Like, I know that if she were male then both of my parents would accept it just fine. And as for the whole "crushes" thing I've never really had a long-lasting crush. Like, I could look at a guy and say that he's handsome and that he is "my type", but I can't really have a crush on him because I don't know what his personality is like. He could look great but be a jerk. I also didn't have many male friends in high school to "crush on". I'm finished with my first year of college and I do have some male friends but most of them have girlfriends or are not my type. Also when I was little I had "crushes" on various male singers, Like I remember liking all of the members of N'sync as a child. But I don't know if that counts because I really only liked the way they looked and their stage personas. So basically I have had crushes but I don't really categorize that as being "in love". I hope that makes sense! and thanks again to all of you!
