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Questioning/examining my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by computergeek5, Jun 2, 2014.

  1. computergeek5

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Want to start off by saying this is my first thread. I started seriously questioning my sexuallity not too long ago. It has escalated since the semester ended and I have more time for free thought. I am 20 year old male in college, went to an all male high school, last had a girlfriend about 3 years ago (as a HS junior). Honestly it was a short horrible relationship. Im not sure if it caused trust issues for me. Well anyway, people ask me why don't I have a girlfriend and I always blow it off with I'm too busy, I don't need one or I will lose all my money if I did. My mom says i work like a man supporting a family. It's believable because if I'm not in school I am at work. If I'm not physically at work I am working from home. (Mind I work remotely as tech support) I realize that I really don't want one and I am not making much effort to pursue a girlfriend. Moving away from all that, progessively I've found myself noticing the guys more than the ladies. I identify beautiful ladies as attractive but not the same way as I notice the good looking guys. When I analyze myself further I realize that I was never in relationships with the ladies because I fully wanted too but because I felt pressured to have a "first girlfriend" or it was a product of that "dude she will totally say yes" situation. Lately I've lost taste in hetero porn and have been watching gay porn. Even before I wasn't watching the porn for the ladies but for the male. I fantasize about males and curious about engaging in sexual behavior but at the same time it doesn't feel quite right. Is there the possibility that I am gay/bi or is this just a late puberty phase that will go away as time passes? My body is still going through puberty I believe. I've definately gained a lot of body hair within the last few months. Or am i just really horny? I admit that im a virgin but i have kissed a girl before. Honestly i didnt find it enjoyable. I'm going crazy, having trouble falling asleep (spending hours reading posts on this site) and can't get the thought out my head. Is it possible that I've subconsciously acknowlodged my sexual identity but in denial? Did going to an all male high school form me this way? I feel disconnected from myself. I haven't talked with anyone regarding this yet but I wanted to hear people in similar situations before consulting my best friends who would listen or possibly a priest that ive known/trust for a long time. I've read nunerous threads here and you guys are great people! Please help relate to your experiences.
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    Hi there and welcome to EC!

    (Sorry for the delay in this showing up - sometimes first posts get stuck in 'moderation' and need to be reviewed. But it's all good - it is posted now.)

    Everyone is different, but frankly I see a lot of myself in your post. I was around 20 when I was into gay porn over straight porn. I hadn't really dated much - more because I thought I should rather than really being into it. But there wasn't the awareness then that there is now about other orientations - so I assumed I was straight but had a thing for gay porn, and carried on.

    I don't think straight guys could necessarily relate to what you've shared here. Instead, I would suggest that what you've shared here is pretty 'text book' in terms of someone who is gay. But in the end, only you will be able to make that call.

    What I would say is that either way - things are going to be OK. You don't need to stress out over this - losing sleep and the like. Because this is only one part of who you are. Your career interests don't change. Your friends and family dont' change. Your hobbies and sports don't change. Your taste in music, clothes, etc.... none of that changes. Only who you're attracted to and want to have a relationship with. And yes - that's a big part of anyone's life - but only a part.

    So what is often suggested (and if you've been up nights reading here then you've probably already seen this) is to just 'try it on' for a while. Assume you're gay for a couple of weeks or so - and allow yourself to be gay. That doesn't mean start dating or hooking up with guys. Just allow yourself to notice guys without any guilt or shame but instead really own it and be cool with it. Masturbate to gay porn without reservation. Think about dating a guy without judgement - from you or anyone else. And see how you feel.

    If it doesn't feel right, then maybe you're not gay. But if you really allow yourself to go that way, and you feel better as a result (less stress, better sleep) then maybe you've discovered at 20 what many of us didn't know or couldn't accept until we were much older. And you've saved yourself years of anguish in the process.

    I hope this helps. And again - welcome to EC!
     
  3. Peacemaker

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    :slight_smile: (*hug*) :thumbsup:
     
  4. computergeek5

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I took the kinsey test and scored a 4. I'm still not sure how to handle it. I want to talk to someone right now but unfortunately I am on vacation with family and I am doing my best to avoid making it an akward fanily experience. What makes it worse is that the males out here are very good looking, (i admit i have the hots for them) I don't know if the family catches me giving a quick glimpse. For some reason I feel like they suspect somethings bothering me. I guess I have to wait 2 weeks before I can speak with someone who speaks English. Hanging in there...