Wife of 26 years caught me with gay porn two years ago. I admitted I find men (and women) sexually attractive. We patched things up in that respect, but for the past six years, we have not had sex. Partly due to hysterectomy/lessened sexual desire on her part, partly due to weight gain on my part. The porn bust didn't help. Now, though, when we argue, she slings these vicious comments about being 'just roommates'. I chose, before marriage, the hetero life. I don't have sex with men and my queer activities are limited to two drunken masturbatory encounters (not to climax) with two friends a year before I got married. But the 'roommates' thing makes me think it's been over since she discovered my secret vice. Should I keep hanging on, or should I end it? We still have our loving moments, but we're nearing 50 and things have long since cooled off. She does not turn me off. I don't want to be alone, though, by leaving her. I don't have any men I'm seeing and wouldn't run into the queer life anyway, risky as it is with STDs/HIV. But I don't know how much weight to give the 'roommates' comments; they are only uttered in the heat of the moment of argument, but without physical intimacy, which I crave and miss, I just don't know if we still have a marriage. Sorry for rambling, but I'm very confused.
Sorry I can't help too much since I am only a teen I can direct you to this page though, you might get a better response posting there. LGBT Later in Life - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out
I do not. It's sort of like watching something unravel and realizing you've not been paying it proper attention. I'm as much to blame, ya know? And I guess my fascination with how much easier it is for people to come out than it was in the 80s, when I first suspected my bisexual orientation was not a fluke, doesn't help. I need to put it away and focus. FOCUS! On the relationship.
My wife frequently mentions that we are nothing more than business partners and roommates. Actually, she is correct. Since coming out to myself over a month ago and a spiritual director, I have become more sensitive to my wives longings too. We have been living as best buds, good roommates. She would like more emotional intimacy from me and worries that I am not seeking her to fulfill my sexual intimacy needs. So BCH1986, you may need to hear your wife's cry when she names your relationship for what it seems to be - roommates. I love my roommate. I want only the best for her. I understand some of what you are going through. My wife discovered a video tape of male porn four years into our marriage. That was 20 years ago. Three years later she discovered some computer porn and some chat threads that I was exchanging with some unknown guy where I was asking about what being gay was all about. I was not out to myself at that time. I saw myself as sexually curious with an acquired taste for male porn. I minimized, rationalized and she accepted my excuses and the rationalizations I made and believed. But for the last 12 years, our sexual intimacy times can be counted on both hands. We are more like roommates. When we have arguments she expresses feelings of only being a roommate and she reminds me of my unfaithfulness via the internet. If you need or want the relationship with your wife, I hope you can find a way to preserve it. If you want the relationship to be more than roommates, this may take more than you are able to give if you are indeed Gay. I am working on finding a way to support my wife and care for my wife, but I also know that i must come out to her and come clean with my desire to have a romantic relationship with a man. I am to the place of wanting more than hookup sex or hookup JO. I want a serious emotional relationship where I can safely and passionately share myself sexually with another man. I realize this may end our relationship as husband and wife. I have decided that sometime this year, I am going to take that risk. You will have to come to terms with your decision too. I wish I had spent more time exploring this when my wife found the video tape 20 years ago. Since your porn bust was fairly recent, this does give you a place to start. Working with a good counselor, individually and together is probably a must for you no matter which way you take it. Your wife, to be more than a roommate needs ... what? Does she need a sexual relationship...can you give that? You should maybe talk about this when she is not mad. What does she need to feel like more than a roommate? Then you have to decide if you can honestly meet this need. For what it is worth, take anything that seems connected and discard anything that is not worth a nickel.
It's important to realize that life isn't over at 50 (or at 60, or 70). We have people here who didn't come out until their 50s or later, and I know someone who came out at 68 or so and is now in his mid-70s and enjoying life. So probably the most important thing is for you to be able to enjoy your life. It isn't clear to me whether you feel like you're genuinely bisexual, or whether you are mostly gay and have essentially conditioned yourself to exist in a hetero marriage. If you're genuinely attracted toward men and not toward women, then you're probably doing yourself a disservice by not giving yourself the opportunity to find love. If living with your wife as "roommates" can truly make you (and her) happy, then continuing that makes sense. But you could also find someone who will genuinely love you and appreciate you, and she could as well... and that could be the best outcome for both of you. It's scary making that sort of change when you're hitting the big 50... but it really isn't as scary as it might seem, and many men (including more than a few here at EC) have done so. At the end of the day, it's really up to you what you want.
