I'm not sure what happened. I'm 28. I've dated men my entire life. My first boyfriend was when I was 11 or 12. I've struggled with my sexuality for a long time. I've had more boyfriends than I can count of my fingers and toes, but I've dumped Every. Single. One of them. My desire for them always dies. I have always chalked this up to picking the wrong men- but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe picking men has been my problem all along. There are three main things to be aware of here. First, my name is such that kids would call me "______ the lesbian" all the time, and this began early on. While in school, many people decided that I was gay and bullied me terribly. They barked at me, put notes in my locker, moved away from me in the hallway. Told me I was going to hell, spread rumors, everything. I once was beaten up for saying "no I'm not! I'm not a lesbian!" Second, I went through puberty early, and I was subjected to a ton of sexual harassment from boys, and mean comments from girls. "You stuff your bra!" I felt unsafe and massively self conscious everywhere I went. I'm sensitive and introverted, and while I'm also outgoing and silly, I just couldn't bear the emotional trauma of the constant scrutiny, judgement, and harassment. So, I got boyfriends. I dated men because of their personalities. If I didn't like their personality or share interests with them, I wasn't attracted. I never had posters of boys on my wall and I never really understood the appeal. The third thing, was that I was victim to a few sexual predators when I was younger. I was molested by an older girl when I was in kindergarten, and it made me feel so ashamed and confused. Later, I was locked in a house with a boy in the neighborhood, he and his brothers said all manner of vile things to me. And lastly, when I was only 15, I began dating a 21 year old man. He was terribly emotionally abusive. I share that last bit because I think it has a lot to do with the shame I feel, and this deep drive to prove to people I am worthy. I felt so worthless and weird and alienated my whole life. Girls were always talking about boys. I felt like having a boyfriend made me lovable, it made me normal. I never really even had a chance to consider how I felt, or what I wanted, or what I needed, I was too busy trying to survive, trying to fit in, trying to prove to myself that I was normal and desirable. Fast forward to my late teens, and here I am attending youth group at an evangelical church. Being gay would send you straight to hell, for sure. My family felt this way and was vocal about it. I had a gay friend, and his parents were vocal about it, he was so sad and lonely because of it. Still very much stuck in this survival mindset, now compounded by my new religion ( a faith that changed my life in amazingly positive ways and has since evolved). Fast forward again to today. This fall I begin seminary. This last year I've been studying theology and have come to understand that the Bible in no way condemns what we understand as homosexuality today, and that gay people aren't in danger of hell, and that in fact they are people to be loved and celebrated, nurtured and comforted, just like everyone else. I never believed gay people were evil or sinful. But I certainly wouldn't have admitted I felt that way. I fact, for a long time I felt a lot of shame for being unable to fall in line on that topic. In any case, I am so much more open minded now and I understand. Being gay isn't a selfish, twisted, perverted thing like I was raised to believe. This, plus my spiritual journey have brought me to a place where I, for the first time, am starting to feel like myself. I am able to see my inherent value, I see my talents, I believe I am precious and sacred and that all other people are too. I feel like I have a purpose, a path, and I am happy to be myself. Except... My relationships keep failing. I keep falling out of love with my boyfriends. I keep struggling to even want to be with a man. Dating is torture for me. I feel unsafe, I feel annoyed, in some cases, disgusted. While I was hanging out with a friend yesterday. We were at a cafe, and the barista there was gorgeous. She had short hair and thick framed glasses. She had charisma and humor and the most beautiful smile in the world. Instinctually I flirted, and I blushed, and I couldn't get her out of my head. It sent me reeling head first into an epiphany. I think I might be a lesbian. Even though I don't fantasize about girls (but I don't really about men either, and certainly not about man parts). I started to remember the last time I felt this way, that deep heart thumping crush feeling. It was for another woman, a camp counselor I worked with. I started paying attention to how I look at women. How I fixate on and admire the female lead of movies. How I like romance books and films not because there are hot men, but because I love to see women falling in love and being happy. I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'm too old to start exploring. I'm afraid that this is somehow inauthentic and I'm being cruel to other "real" lesbians by even exploring. I'm afraid my mother won't love me any more. I'm afraid that something is wrong with me and maybe I'm just going through some kind of phase. But I can't help it. I just feel so locked up and frustrated and scared and false. In so many respects I have found myself, or at least, I've found my path and have set out intentionally on the journey before me. I don't know what to do or where to start. I've talked to my sister and she is supportive and loving, but I don't know what to do next, or how to know for sure. Am I gay? Can I be gay given how many men I have been with and how old I am? Can I be gay if I'm afraid of gay sex? Can I be gay even though I've spent basically most of my life actively telling myself that I wasn't? I cried all day today. I can't get that woman out of my head and I don't want to. I want to go on dates with women. I'm afraid that my inexperience and being closeted for so long will mean nobody will want to date me. I don't know how to figure this out. Sorry for the typos and the really stilted writing style, using my iPad and it is late.
Hello, ilikethemoon, welcome to EC. I can't tell you if you're gay or not, it's your call, but yes, you can be gay. It doesn't matter if you had no idea until recently because sometimes we just don't realize it earlier for tons of reasons. And sometimes it takes a gorgeous short haired barista with thick framed glasses for us to even think about the possibility. (I myself didn't know I'm attracted to women until 35yo, last year, and have a boyfriend of 13 years, still I'm gay.) It's quite natural to be scared of the unknown but don't be afraid to start exploring if you want to. There's nothing like "not enough lesbian", or "too old" for some soul-searching. And don't pressure yourself. Questioning is a process, you don't need to start telling people and dating or hooking up with women right away. Just allow yourself to notice them and see how you feel. Imagine who you'd like to be in a relationship with, who do you want to wake up with? etc. Maybe you'll even feel like having a cup of coffee.:icon_wink P.S.Don't worry, you'll figure it out and sooner or later you realize that mountain is not that high anymore, more like just a hill, or even a molehill.:lol:
ilikethemoon, there's a lot in your post I can relate to, myself. I'm 30 and going through the same thing you are now, in questioning my sexuality. I never dated much, though, and really only had one relationship with a guy. But I have realized all my life that there's been these little moments where in the back of my mind I felt I had to "prove" I'm not gay, and that I had to remind myself how to think about things "appropriately." I don't think you're too old to come out, or to have a relationship with a woman. People discover this about themselves at all different ages. As society becomes more accepting I think it's more common for people to come out younger and younger, which is great, but depending on a person's life circumstances it may take longer for some to get there than others, and it sounds like that's been the case for you. You should take a look over in the "Later in Life" section, there are plenty of people dealing with the same issues in our age range, and in their 50s, 60s, and so on. It's interesting that delving deeper into your faith has made you more open and accepting, and I think that's both surprising and beautiful. Do you mind if I ask what denomination you are? For me, I was raised Catholic but my family was never very devout, but the inequalities I observed in the church's views ended up driving me away. I think it's been for the best, for me, though.
Thank you both for the really thoughtful replies. The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of thoughts. I am feeling so uncertain about how to navigate the waters ahead, almost like I'm trapped in a glass box. I've finally realized that I'm trapped in this box, and now I want to get out of the box, but I have no idea how. Who do I ask to help me? Do people on the other side of the glass want me out there? What about the people that want me to stay in this box? I've kept myself in this box in large part - do I even want to get out? It's not a perfect analogy. I guess it's similar to the term "being in the closet." It's all really new. So I think the advice I am giving myself is "slow down" and "feel your feelings. But at the same time, I feel like now that I know, I need to do something. I need to really see for sure if this core feeling I have is true and real. It's like discovering a new feature on your smart phone, you just want to start using it even if you don't really know how or when it would be situationally appropriate. Or when you discover a new passion or interest (maybe you're sitting in some lecture at school, and you find yourself just blown away and you want more) How do I navigate this? It feels like step one is to go on a date. But what do I say when I'm asked about my exes? Or the fact that I am still in the closet to everyone but my sister and now two close friends? Those are my rambly thoughts. TheStormInside, I am a member of the United Church of Christ. In my area, they have a Catholic Gay-Straight alliance support group of sorts. I'm actually starting seminary in the fall, and am going to become some a pastor. I mean, I hate to plan my life to far in advance. Especially since I feel like I've been on this lifetime quest to understand myself and accept myself, and then I have this unexpected epiphany and suddenly the rest of my life starts to make sense in a way it never did. I'm still afraid that I am wrong - because liking women feels so totally different than the way I felt when I was dating men. There's so much I don't know or understand.
To continue your metaphor, a glass box is not the best place to stay in, right? It's a lone place where the sun can't reach properly, so your skin won't produce any vitamin D*, and it's rather stuffy in there, especially the longer you stay in. I believe that people who do truly care about you wouldn't want you to stay trapped in such a place. It doesn't depend on them though, but solely on you if you want to and feel ready to come out of the box or not. I'd say that if you feel like starting to date, go for it. And what to say when you're asked about your exes? Tell them the truth. If they mind your past with men they aren't worth it anyway. *Haha, I wanted to write it like : and a letter D but it automatically changes into emoticon.
I think it's ok to take it as slowly or as quickly as you feel comfortable, ilikethemoon. Personally when I first started questioning I thought "I'd better try to date right away to be sure about this!" but a short while after that I realized that's not something I'm ready for just yet for a variety of reasons. For you it may be different, maybe you are ready to jump in, and if you feel you are, then go for it! If not, it's also fine to take some time to yourself to just sit back and observe. Allow yourself to get to know these feelings better, what you're attracted to, what you're not, how that makes you feel, and so on. It's great that you have some support in your life and faith connected to the LGBT community. Maybe one of the first steps you can take, when you feel ready, is to get involved in the support group you mentioned. That way you can meet people without necessarily having the added pressure of dating.
So I find myself going through these cycles. For several hours I am feeling free, and happy, and excited. Then I feel curious and reflective and I begin looking at both my past and my present and my future from a very different perspective (like, imagining myself with a woman instead of all the times I just put a generic man in that place by default). The last little cycle I seem to be hitting is this really immense and overwhelming feeling - very similar to impostor syndrome, where I feel like nothing is real, like I can't trust my own feelings, like I am broken, something's wrong. Just a load of anxiety really. Does that sound normal? Familiar? I actually think you are totally right TheStormInside, that support group would be a great place to start. I should attend. I also think that I really ought to see a counselor so I can work through these things with a professional. I wrote to the area LGBT community center and I hope they will be able to direct me to some resources. I am very afraid of it being expensive though. Paris, you are right. I don't want to be living inside any kind of box. Especially since I am a creative free spirit, an explorer at heart. I don't want to be living in fear or shame or confusion. I don't need all the answers, but I certainly want to embrace the answers I do have. We shall see. One day at a time. I've really enjoyed everyone's feedback, thank you.
I have felt the same way and honestly still do. I have come out to a few important people in my life-even my religious grandma. The thing is I am still unaware of my feelings because I know they are there, but right now I am trying to figure out what type of girls I like. It also doesn't help that I live in a very conservative state so I can't just go on the street and assume there are gay women around. I think the best I can give you is to take one day at a time. Don't rush because usually when you least expect it someone will come along and sweep you off your feet I can understand the feelings you are having too. I keep having the "oh crap did I make the right decision?" or "Oh my gah, I am gay." or "I feel fake is this real?" I think it is normal to feel anxious because it is something new. I think even if we knew or just figured out we are gay it still a shock because once it is said out loud it becomes a reality. I remember prior people would say, "You will find that one man who will take care of you and love you." I hated when they said that because to be quite honest in the back of mind I knew I was gay. I would normally just say, "Nah, I don't want a relationship." After coming out to my loved ones, I feel there is light inside of me now that hopes for a relationship in the future. My problem now is focusing on my other issues before embarking on the voyage of a relationship. Sorry I am rambled. I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one Best of luck!
I'm glad you're going to look into the support group, ilikethemoon. I hope it goes well! As for the counselor, you can look into your health insurance plan to see if a therapist would be covered or not. I've been in therapy for some time for anxiety and depression, and I only have to pay a copay to my therapist, which is much more affordable. I've been going through those cycles, too. Sometimes I feel over the moon and wonderful. Like I am finally able to embrace myself fully and possibilities are opening up I never imagined. Then other times I'm crushed with fear and terror and depression. Often, all in the same day, possibly in the same hour. I think it's normal to have a lot of mixed feelings during this time period. If you're able to, you're right that it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to talk to a counselor about it, as well.
ilikethemoon, I want to go back in time and punch every single one of those kids who made you feel this shame and insecurity as a kid. I do think there's a connection between how all these people made you feel and your desire to date men; it's not a stretch to say that dating men can often be very very strongly motivated by wanting social acceptability. In any case, the truth will be revealed in time; I relate to the "impostor syndrome" feeling, but it'll go away in time. There's no one way to be a lesbian, and your way is just as valid as someone's who has been out since they were 5 years old. I hope you meet some awesome people through the support group and that you keep us updated on your journey to finding true love. Congratulations.
I love your posts. I was feeling like maybe this was all a phase a few days ago. I mostly felt numb, like I didn't care about it at all and had no interest in romance or partnership. But I went to Pridefest anyway, for the first time ever, because I thought maybe it would help. And in some ways it really did, I saw plenty of women that I was attracted to, and plenty who I most certainly was not. My sister says maybe I'm bi, and that I don't need to label it right now. Wolf123, I'm so grateful that you shared. I am going through that exactly, and I'm finding it really impossible to adjust. It's like learning something completely new, like engineering. I'm usually quick to adapt, but I think I have so much to unlearn. @wanderinggirl, yeah, really! I mean, I can recall actually deliberately and methodically procuring boyfriends. In fact, it's never been hard for me to just go out and get a date with man, I have all the tricks down and it's easy for me. The fact that I've turned it into a skill is one of the reasons I feel suspect my "attraction" to men is more of an attraction to security and social standing and maybe even power than it is any kind of authentic connection. I don't want to live like that. For my sake, but for others health and wellness too. I'm just not sure, and I suspect it will take some time. Thestorminside, my health insurance doesn't cover counseling, unfortunately! I know there are resources out there though, so I'll keep looking!
