Hi everyone! First time in these forums which I accidentally stumbled upon. I've always suspected something was a little off about me, but never really thought much about it, always brushing it aside, until a couple of days ago when I read an article on Yahoo about this transgender young boy (5 yrs old I think?). And it just got me thinking about my own sexuality.. I've always been tomboy-ish for as long as I can remember, always disliked girl stuff (skirts/dresses, dolls, feminine colours, lacey stuff etc, pretty much anything that would be identified with a girl). I've always been more interested in the boy-ish activities, like wrestling, martial arts, car racing and playing video games. Even now as an adult, I have no interest in things which would make a girl squeal - jewellery, branded bags/accessories, perfumes, makeup, manicures, spas etc. But damn, I'd get excited if we were talking about that uber sword/armour which I recently found off some impossible to kill boss monster. However, growing up in a conservative Asian society, my parents would not accept me being any other way, I had to conform to being a 'girl'. When I was younger, I would insist on dressing up like a boy, shirt and pants, my parents would get so upset over it; they were supposed to have a son and a daughter, but it looked like they had two sons. They've always insisted that I grow out of that phase, 'You're old enough now, you need to start acting and dressing like a girl.' Eventually I just gave in, I love my family, I don't want it torn apart because of me, so I let my mother dress me however she liked. In hindsight, I realised I've never felt attracted (in any sense) to guys as I went through my life. I guess I've always suspected my own sexuality in the back of my mind, but always just attributed it to not meeting the 'right' guy. But strangely, I have been attracted to some of my girl friends, I know for sure its not a sexual attraction, but unsure if its an emotional or romantic attraction (are they the same?). I would feel a strong urge to want to get to know them better, spend more time with them, sometimes even stalking them on whatsapp without chatting (creepy I know...). This feeling fades away if I spend some time away from them though, but if we meet up or start chatting again, the feeling returns. I realise I'm attracted to their personality, and not so much in the physical sense. The ones whom I've felt attracted to tend to be more mature (in their thought processes) and motherly. It feels like they are filling a gap within me. This stumps me because its not like my mother does not shower me with love, I'm very close to my mum, and despite having to conform to her ideals of a girl to please her, I still wouldn't trade her for any other. So I guess my question is, do you think it is more of just a girl crush thing or really a sexuality issue?
You sound genderqueer or trans* FtM, but you may want to repost this in the gender identity and expression forum, as there might be more people there who could help you. I'm not sure if you are confused about your gender or sexuality. They are very different things, and as I have never questioned my own gender, I can't help you much.
You say you feel little attraction to guys but that you have been attracted to your female friends; have you dated men or women in the past? It sounds like it could definitely be a sexuality issue; it is separate from your gender identity, but it could be related in your rejection of societal norms. But you will eventually have to sort out your gender identity and your sexual orientation separately.
