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I'm confused, please help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by kay14, Jun 4, 2014.

  1. kay14

    Regular Member

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    I'm really confused?
    I'm 17 and a girl.
    I am confused about my sexuality .I'm going to do a timeline of my life sort of thing and I'll make it as short as possible. Please read it I'm really getting down :frowning2:

    When I was younger I HATED girl things. I was a daddys girl. I was a Tom boy for sure. I remember being mistaken for a boy when I was younger and I liked it.

    My first celebrity crush was Zac Efron. However, thinking back I never really wanted to be WITH him (I was like 10 then) I wanted to BE him. When I played pretend I would always be a boy.

    Around the age of 13 me and a boy went into some bushes and messed around over the clothes and I remember being aroused but that was at 13. Can things change since then?

    I had my first kiss with a girl when I was around 14 during my bi-curious phase. I remember being SO happy about it but I know I didn't like her like that. I remember seeing her and couldn't help but smile but she wasn't good looking.

    Then when I was 15 I had my first kiss with a boy and I was just like 'is that it' sort of thing. Like I expected more.

    When I was 16 I got slightly drunk and made out with a girl. I knew exactly what I was doing when I asked her to kiss me but i wasn't attracted to her. But later that night I wanted to do it again so we did. Why would I want to do it again?

    A few months later I wanted to experiment with a boy so I got fingered and I made him stop because i couldn't get wet.

    I got drunk at a party and got fingered but did get wet then. But I was really drunk so I don't know what that means.

    Now I'm 17 and I've had to turn down 3 boys this year. I went out with a boy yesterday and he was kissing me and I was so grossed out. I just wanted to go home. I didn't think he was hot though but still shouldn't I have a least enjoyed kissing and being touched by him?

    I look at hot guys and i'm like "He's really hot" but i don't think I want to have sex or anything like that with them. It's hard to explain. I love Justin Bieber (No hate) and when I see music videos of him I'm like that's hot. But now iv'e thought about it more, I imagine BEING him. I want to be able to dance like him and be loved like him but I don't want to be a boy. It's hard to explain.

    I don't like boys touching me at all. It makes me uncomfortable when they put their arm around me. Its really controlling and I just overall don't feel comfortable. I always think ' I could have sex with him' But if it came down to it I don't know if I could or not. Maybe if it was Zac Efron Or Justin Bieber but I don't know if that's just because I know I'll never have them. I don't think I like girls though? But I want to make out with a girl and experiment further with them. However, I don't really like boobs and I lesbians on TV make me uncomfortable. But I have this lesbian friend and before she came out she would tell me how much she was scared of lesbians and stuff because she was in denial. Could that be happening to me? I couldn't have sex with a 'Lipstick Lesbian' I think it would have to be one that looked like Miley Cyrus if you get me?
    Please help. :bang::bang::bang:
     
  2. lovely lesbian

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    How do you feel when you see a pretty girl?
     
  3. wanderinggirl

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    Your attractions are definitely shifting, and they might continue to do so in the future. Let them play out. It's good that you know that there are certain girls you could see yourself with and certain ones you couldn't see yourself with; you don't have to like all people of the same gender to know you're attracted to members of that gender.

    Your lesbian friend definitely has a point, we tend to push away the people that we fear we will turn out to be (if that makes sense). But also don't take her experience as your experience: while there are similarities, you guys are on different paths. You may end up like her you may not. I made the mistake of relying on another lesbian's narrative; and when I said I could identify with a lot of the stuff she was talking about she said "well you're probably gay." So I took her word for it but in the end it didn't really feel like me; I didn't completely relate, but I tried to match my experience to hers just to make it easier for me, and in the end we turned out to be different people with different identities. But in any case, she'll hopefully turn out to be a valuable resource to draw from; keep talking to her and see how you feel.
     
  4. NHDave

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    What you're stating here is the original psychiatric definition of homophobia - the fear of being, or being perceived as, homosexual. It's far from a new concept.