Bisexual? Biromantic lesbian? Or confused by the confines of Heteronormativity?

I've been questioning and obsessing a lot about my sexual orientation, as is probably clear from my other posts on this board. I have been trying to sort out my feelings for guys vs. my feelings for women, as my feelings for women seem to be more clear, though also more fraught with hesitation.

With women, I notice attractive women, and sometimes I get turned on. I feel more comfortable around women in general. Most of my friends are female and have been my whole life. I have had several female crushes, but I always kept them to myself, and they never developed into a relationship.

With men, I find more often I'm telling myself to look at the good looking ones. Occasionally a guy may catch my eye but more often than not I see a guy and consciously determine his "cuteness." I am more nervous around men, especially attractive men, because I'm pretty self conscious about my own looks and I feel like they are judging my appearance (whether that's true or not, it's the feeling in my head). I've had a few crushes on guys in the past, too, though only one of them developed into a relationship. I was close friends with that guy before we got together, and I desired a romantic relationship with him in that I wanted to be closer to him, to be exclusive, to cuddle and watch movies with him, and so on. But when it came to physical relations I had a very difficult time, it was uncomfortable, I was anxious, at times I got aroused but more often than not it went on longer than I'd like and I felt overwhelmed. And we never had sex. Lately, a few years after that relationship ended, I developed a small crush on another guy, but after a few months of getting to know him via friendship I'm feeling less interested romantically.

I'm just so confused. At first I thought I may be bisexual, but I also really don't want to be bisexual. It feels so confusing and indeterminate, and I am a rather "black and white" person who prefers to deal in the world of definites where ever I can. When questioning myself as to why bisexuality really would be so bad, one of the thoughts that came to mind, also, was, "that means I'd still have to consider dating men."

Very occasionally, I come across a guy I connect with enough to consider possible "boyfriend material," but I just don't know if these are natural feelings in me, or if it's something society has sort of planted in my brain. When I was younger I had virtually no interest in guys, or relationships of any kind, really. The whole thing completely eluded me, though in retrospect, I recall some crushes I did not know were crushes on female friends. At the same time, I know I was really in love with my ex boyfriend for a long time, both before we got together and during that time, and that that relationship wasn't forced. I just don't know what to think, or what to call myself, at this point. Am I in this transitionary period where I am going to realize I just need to let go to the preconceived notion that I should be with a man? Or am I actually bisexual, just more attracted to women than men? I know no one here can answer in definites, but any feedback or insight would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read yet another rambling post of mine

 

I think you're probably right, Undertow. I think it's most likely I'm gay rather than bi. I don't really feel like I have a sexual attraction to men, or if I do it's very rare. I feel like it's possible I'm still clinging to the idea that the "right guy" could still come along, despite the fact that has been staring me in the face, I'm attracted to women. I feel like I never totally understood attraction until recently, and now I understand, too, that most people don't get together just because that's "what you do" or just because they're lonely, they do it because there's a draw there. Part of me feels like a could be with a man if I found the right guy, but then the other part of my mind says "But do you WANT to be?" I guess I've experienced that draw from time to time from men but not nearly as strongly as from women. And I feel like there have been a few opportunities in my life to be with the "right guy" and they didn't pan out, and there was little to no sexual attraction despite the fantasies of a romantic life together. When I think of women it's like the world is opening up and I'm finally seeing something other people have seen all along.

As for the labels... I know I'm the one that brought it up, and biromantic lesbian may be the best descriptor of me, but I also feel it's not a very useful label outside of the community, nor is it very practical, because why would I get involved with a guy if I know it's not going to work out in the end due to lack of sexual attraction? Maybe I need to just work on accepting, now, that I'm most likely a lesbian and that my future will be with a woman. It makes me feel warm, relieved, and terrified all at once.

 

It is pretty confusing, and I'm still unsure if lesbian is the correct label for me, as well. I feel like I might be lying a little, to myself and to others. I worry I could be trying to ignore attraction to males the way I tried to ignore my attraction to females for so long. It's all tangled up, and I'm just trying to do my best to sit back and observe my feelings. One thing I can say, though, is that I feel a calm calling myself "gay" in my head that I don't feel if I call myself "bisexual." Whether that's because it's "right" or because I'm so anxious about the blurriness bisexuality brings I am uncertain. I also worry that because I'm anxious around guys in general I may be inadvertently writing them off when I shouldn't. Hopefully more time and reflection will tell. But for now I'm trying to carry around the "gay" label in my mind and see how that makes me feel.

I often told myself gender didn't matter to me, as well, and to be honest I think it may have just been a way to write off my feelings toward female friends as "not gay." I also think that subconsciously I've sort of acknowledged I might be bisexual for along time and figured I could just ignore the same sex feelings because feelings for guys would eventually come along instead, but as I reflect on my life it seems those feelings are less likely, now, or just not as genuine or intense as they would be for a girl, now that I am allowing myself to really experience attraction toward women. There were long periods in my life where I felt no desire for a relationship at all, either, and that's hard to ignore. Because wouldn't feelings for guys have "filled in" somewhere during that time?

Maybe people like us are at the mid-to end point of bisexual, where it blurs into homosexuality? That gray area doesn't have a definition of it's own, so I suppose if that's the case for us, it's on us to decide whether bisexual or gay is the most practical or explicit fit. I try to remind myself that supposedly very few people are *completely* gay or *completely* straight, and that people who are straight may have occasional same sex attractions, as well. It's just more difficult at the gay end of the spectrum, because unlike straight people we're forced to question and explain our orientation more rigorously.