This is the umpteenth thread/post I've made about this...

But I'm really starting to question my sexuality again.

Alright, so last week, I lost my virginity to another man. And man. It was awesome. Not only did it feel good physically but there was something incredibly affirming, to me as a trans guy, to be found desirable as a guy by another (gay) guy.

So that definitely raised a few questions about where my attractions lay.

As a kid, I don't really remember having crushes on girls. Which kinda bothered me later on because, way before I knew I was trans, I self identified as lesbian. Lot of gay kids talk about having crushes on the same-sex from a young age. I had crushes on boys, which I pushed aside when I identified as lesbian.

I had a girlfriend, who had been my best friend since elementary school. I had a huge crush on her, fantasized about kissing her and all that, but when we were dating, I wasn't all that physically attracted to her. I guess I was moreso attracted to her as a friend and because she was basically my closest relation at that time.

I came out as bi when I was 14 because I was attracted to her. I'd maybe found girls attractive but that was it. She was kind of masculine at the time we were dating.

But throughout the relationship, I wanted to experiment with men. I never did but I felt really, really bad for fantasizing about that. And even dirtier for liking the idea of being a man who likes men.

I almost feel like dating women was my way of still being the 'man' in a relationship (never mind how absurd that sounds). I never wanted to be some guy's girlfriend. I wanted to be his boyfriend. And that was almost what drove me to finally address my gender, how I was attracted to men.

But then, there's the whole stereotype that transitioning changes your sexuality. :dry:

I can see a girl and say- whoa, you're attractive. But my fantasies tend to drift towards other guys. Any of the sex dreams I've had have been with guys. Porn with women kinda turns me off. And for some reason, I find it kinda hard to imagine marrying a woman or having a female significant other. Imaginary spouse tends to be male.

I've asked queer friends and they're pretty much "oh, you sound pan to me". Which...I have to admit, makes me be all "wait a minute, were you even listening?"

I dunno if I want someone here just to say "oh wow, you sound gay to me" or what. But insight would sure as hell be appreciated...

 

:lol:

I guess I should elaborate. There's a stereotype I've heard where someone transitioning will "turn gay" as they go on HRT and etc- for instance, a trans guy will suddenly, after years of loving women, "turn gay" as he's on testosterone.

And I'm not on T yet so... I dunno.

Couple more points I want to write down

- Not as comfortable with vaginas- unless that vagina belongs to a man. This kinda goes back to the porn thing. Sorta turns me off (again, unless a man owns it).

- The few women I've been drawn to were either masculine or very, very feminine and not conventionally Hollywood attractive (but very cute regardless). Yet it was never über physical...

- I had a weird fascination with pregnant women. Found them cute

- When I started getting out there and exploring my sexuality, I felt more comfortable associating with gay men than, say, straight or bi men.

 

All of that makes you sound pretty gay to me. The pregnancy thing, I've read, is your subconscious affirming your masculinity.

 

Huh. Interesting.

It's like, boobs kinda fascinate me too. They're just...fluffy. But I wouldn't really know what to do with them, you know?

And I kinda wonder if a lot of this has to do with dysphoria. If I'm, going back to porn, seeing a ciswoman using her parts, it's a huge reminder that what I have isn't what a man is "supposed to". Yet I never feel the same way with a trans guy- he's just a guy kinda like me, big deal.

 

Yeah, you sound gay to me. I think your attraction to women is more of a platonic something aesthetic thing than a sexual attraction. But hey, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

You really think so? It's just weird to kinda think this is a possibility and not hear "oh that totally means you're a pansexual, bro."

 

Well honestly, you should identify however you wish, but you do sound more gay by what you've written!

I don't see anything about pansexuality from what I'm reading, mostly a strong attraction to men with some minor attractions to women. I can find some guys attractive too but since I lack real sexual feelings for them, I don't call myself bi.

You said you don't like vaginas. However, you could be attracted to one belonging to a trans guy. That would still make you gay. I wonder if the "pansexual" label was a suggestion since most people think any attraction to trans people makes you pan, which is definitely NOT the case.
Considering you can be 'emotionally' close to women but not desire anything physical sounds pretty gay to me

 

Alright. Thanks you two.

I'm at the point where I feel like saying I'm gay feels on the mark but I guess I don't necessarily want to say it's the final end all be all. I mean, maybe I'll meet a woman I click with. Who knows?

But yeah. Going by how I feel and what I know now, dunno if that'll be enough to consider myself pan or bi at all. Maybe gray-gay? :lol:

But yeah. I feel okay calling myself gay for now.

 

Yeah. I figure right now, it makes sense. I've been waffling between bi and gay for almost as long as I've been transitioning.

I had a friend who tried hooking me up with a girl he knew. And girl was nice. Pansexual, kind of- That's honestly about as much as I know about her. She was nice. But I remember just kinda being like to myself "so um...he doesn't have any male friends who are single?" Girl and I texted but it was kinda obvious to both of us that we weren't clicking, like even just as friends or whatever. But I guess that's what happens when you try to hook up two friends together and you introduce him as a single trans guy and her as a girl who'll put up with that. :lol:

So yeah. I dunno. I almost feel like I need to maybe experiment with a girl at least once?