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Can't accept

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jahow95, Jun 6, 2014.

  1. jahow95

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    I've been trying to see if i do have same sex attraction or not because I think I've been in denial about it, but it's not really clear unless I can accept and relax and just see what I want. Problem is that I cannot accept it, I feel like i have same sex attraction sometimes but i dont think i could ever be ok with it. It is just so against my ideology, I think that's why. But it just feels so frickng wrong, these dudes are my mates but i'm thinking i might be attracted to them, can't accept that don't think i'd ever be able to.
    What can I do to move forward and find out this stuff? I don't want to go out and be around people cause it feels almost physically painful to feel what I think is attraction. Just wanna go home and sit on my own when I feel like that
     
    #1 jahow95, Jun 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2014
  2. greatwhale

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    I feel for you, it isn't easy knowing one's own desires when they are in conflict with what you believe.

    You need to tease out and separate these two questions.

    1) "Am I attracted to guys?"

    2) "How do I feel about that?"

    Try this:

    First, put aside (as in suspend) your judgment for 5 consecutive days, if you feel uncomfortable about being gay, if you catch yourself saying that it's bad, acknowledge it, say it out loud to yourself even, then say to yourself, OK, I know that I am judging this, but I will not judge until I'm done after the 5 days.

    Second, for the 5 days, consider yourself gay, just pretend that you are gay (Remember that you aren't judging until this experiment is over).

    Now during this experiment, examine how you feel about guys, remember you are giving yourself permission to feel what it is you feel. You can look at guys, you can check out advertising with gorgeous dudes without flinching or being worried that you are being noticed.

    During these 5 days, allow yourself to feel what it is to be gay, take notes in a journal if you want.

    If you decide to do this; let us know how it went!

    (you will next have to deal with whether or not you feel it is right)
     
  3. jahow95

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    Cheers mate, sounds like that might work.
     
  4. biAnnika

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    I find it really significant that you're asking the question at all. Most straight people wouldn't even ask the question...and if they did ask it, it would be more of an idle, intellectual curiosity. Whereas you, my friend, are taking active steps (like signing up and posting on this Site) to figure this out!

    Now I think Mr. Whale's exercises are great ways to put together evidence so the rational side of your brain can come to grips...but I suspect that at the emotional level, you already know the outcome, and are in a way looking to Step 2 (how do I feel and/or how can I feel better about that?).

    In fact I could believe that it is exactly this disconnect between your rational brain (which needs convincing that you *are* attracted to men) and your emotional brain (which is trying to move beyond this to self-acceptance) that is causing your discomfort.

    So yes, let your rational brain catch up: do Mr. Whale's exercise, and come back and let us know what you find!
     
  5. jahow95

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    Thanks for the reply. Perhaps, although I've heard many stories of straight men similarly questioning their sexuality, so I'm not sure that the fact that I'm questioning means that I'm not straight.
    Could it be significant that I've never had a crush on another guy? Or is that because I had not realised I could be homo? Has me not knowing I was (possibly) bi in the past stopped me from being attracted physically or emotionally to men? Because with how many guys I know the odds are that I would have developed a crush at one point in my life if I had SSA, surely. Especially as I went to a boys school, and have only ever had crushes/sexual feelings toward women.

    If not realising your sexuality at the time does not affect your emotional/physical attraction then these facts would surely suggest that I am/was straight:
    I've probably had crushes on 8-15 women (despite going to a boys school and rarely seeing them) and been in love once,
    whilst never developing any kind of emotional (and before now, physical) attraction to another male despite seeing plenty of guys every day
     
    #5 jahow95, Jun 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2014
  6. biAnnika

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    Oh, absolutely some straight people question their sexuality...but like I said, generally in a fairly idle-curiosity kind of way...not genuinely trying to probe it, joining an LGBT Site and trying to "get past their biases and move forward".

    I know plenty of bisexuals who only realized their same-sex attractions as they got older...that part is pretty common. I can't speak as knowledgably about gay people, but my sense is that they realize their attractions at all ages as well.

    Oooh, and I also have to point out that being attracted to your mates is only bad (or problematic in any way) if they aren't attracted to you too (rather like women, frankly...if we don't fancy you, we don't want to know that you fancy us). So if your mates are all hetero, then you just need to find yourself some LGBT mates!! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. jahow95

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    Im just confused. I am definitely attracted to women, as much as I sometimes get confused about this... but men is something new and horrible to me.
     
  8. PinkCammelia90

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    I sympathize with your situation, I really do. My background is somewhere in the limbo between traditional and progressive, and while my family and friends are very accepting, I - myself - have a hard time trying to accept that I might be homosexual. Being biromantic definitely hasn't helped.

    The problem is there is a defining line between knowing that you aren't entirely heteronormative and accepting it - a line which is often disregarded as a big blur.

    Try asking yourself a few calm questions:

    How do I feel about other gay or bisexual people?

    Could I see myself having sex or being in a relationship with someone of my own sex?

    Why do I feel that this might be wrong or bad?


    I would also say to you to not be afraid of experimentation. It's perfectly normal, especially in your late teens. Don't feel pressured into doing anything makes you really uncomfortable though - if it doesn't feel right, then don't push it.

    Please also bear in mind that countless people come to a point where they question their sexuality, for some it has changed, for others it may not - I'll stress it again - don't feel pressured either way.