So a couple weeks back, I went to this bar with a couple of friends looking to pick up some girls. Throughout the night we all got numbers and two of my friends went home with girls. By this time, I had only drank one beer and was feeling pretty good so I went to the bartender and ordered another beer. Now, I've always considered myself straight with a few homosexual thoughts here and there. Sometimes I even watch gay porn and masturbate to it. But I have never considered myself gay. So I'm standing at the bar, waiting for my drink when this guy comes over to me and starts talking. We stood there for a couple of minutes talking and I didn't think anything of it. As the conversation grew longer and more personal, I began to feel as if maybe the guy was hitting on me. After about 30 minutes, a beer, and a couple of shots later, the guy says that he finds me really cute and wants to go somewhere private. After hearing this, I'm stunned and tell him I'm flattered but not interested. He then tells me that it's ok to be hesitant, but I need to be accepting of who I really am. By this point, I don't know what to do. I came to the bar looking for chicks and I'm there now getting hit on by a dude. He then says that he can tell I'm unsure and that maybe a blowjob in the bathroom would change my mind. Now I don't know why I did what I did, maybe it was the alcohol, but I agree and after it was done I ran out of the bathroom and left the bar. I'm posting this now, weeks after because I have finally come to a point of accepting this situation and what happened. It's weird for me because although it was a man that was doing it to me, I really enjoyed it. For me, I guess my question is whether or not this means something about my sexual orientation. I've been thinking about this event since it happened and although I consider myself straight, I feel as if I wouldn't be opposed to having this happen again. (The bathroom part, but in a different setting, obviously.) So what do I do?
Hi, and welcome to EC. There are two answers to your question. The first is... a blowjob is a blowjob. Wherther it was done by a woman or a man, if it was a decent blowjob and you closed your eyes, regardless of your sexual orientation, it would feel good. But the bigger issue here is what you're feeling emotionally and what your behaviors are, that indicates about your sexual orientation. So first, generally speaking, straight guys don't masturbate to gay porn, for the simple reason that it doesn't excite them. If you sometimes find yourself getting turned on by gay porn... then some part of you is likely finding arousal and attraction to that. The way sexual attraction and arousal works is complicated, and it's an interaction between our unconscious attraction and arousal mechanism and our conscious mind. It's also not uncommon to be gay but manage to completely suppress and deny that for years... we have a lot of older members here who have had that experience (including me.) So we definitely can't say you're gay, or even that you're bi, based on this one experience. But what we can say is when we add this experience to your history masturbating to gay porn... it's likely there's some sort of attraction to guys going on. It could mean you're mostly straight. It could mean you're bi. Or it could mean that you're gay and that as you open up to those feelings, you'll find them getting stronger. I know that probably sounds like a really scary thought. The important thing is to realize that whatever the truth is, it is. You can't change it, because it's hardwired. So what you can do is explore and understand yourself and try your best to be openminded, as difficult as that may be, and simply see where it takes you. One thing that's definitely true: The more you talk about it and the more you explore your feelings, the clearer the truth, whatever it is, will become, and since you've already started to open that door, it's probably best to keep doing the self-exploration and see where it takes you, because the more you are in touch with yourself, the happier you will be in the long run.
Thanks for the response. This is something im really struggling with because of the society we live in and the fact that homosexuality is mostly frowned upon. This really scares me and I'm not really sure im equipped to handle it.
Coming out to yourself as questioning is a really good first step to make. Whatever you realise about your sexuality in the future, the more you open yourself up to the possibilities the more comfortable you'll become with yourself. And I can't speak for other people, but for me, although it's scary, the whole process MADE me equipped to handle it. It gave me confidence to be who I am, instead of who I thought I should be (whether that is straight or otherwise for you), and in the end will make you happier. Society is improving, and there a lot of tolerant people out there now. Take your time. After all, you can only be you. And you're not alone. EC is a really good support group for when the rest of the world feels a bit much.
