I joined this site to get some advice from people who will know. Throughout my life I have had this uncertainty about my sexuality. At a young age I found women attractive. I kissed one girl during a very stressful time in my life and we went a little further. However I did not enjoy this. It could be because she was very bossy and it was not nice. It was in a very bad time as well. I kissed another girl years after that. We went a little further but she was not attractive to me and again I did not enjoy it. Yet this happened repeatedly for days on end. The reason I made out with her was because I just did not want to miss out on the experience. I had a two year long emotionally abusive relationship with a man and it really left me broken. Until I met another man with who I had a very short relationship with but he was by all means my first love. He treated me extremely well and I was heartbroken when he left. It has been some time after the break up and I had a few men I was interested in but never met (online dating) and two I did meet. It went well but it did not work out. One left me after a week because I did not want to send him naked pictures of myself and another did not feel we would fit well. Lately my mom has been nagging me to try and find someone and I have, without her knowing. However, I feel like I lost that connection with men and I just cannot get into liking a man that way again. What is strange to me is that I seem to develop connections with male friends that are either with someone else or emotionally unavailable, and I never act on these feelings. Doing so would be wrong. I am wondering if this is not because subconsciously I am falling for men I do not have a chance with so I do not need to worry about having an actual relationship with him. Because the moment I meet someone who is available and nice I lose interest. I feel like I identify with men more. All my friends are men and I tend to like more male orientated things. I feel like I do not understand women. Yesterday morning I was writing a friend an email and I was just writing without thinking and typed "maybe I should just become a man then I can chase girls". This was a joke, but it surprised me that I would say something like "then I can chase girls" . I wrote it without actively thinking what I'm saying and it was somewhat unsettling to me. The other problem with this is I suffer from a complex form of OCD which is difficult enough, but in general OCD will sometimes cause the sufferer to doubt their own sexuality without real reason. Maybe this is what is going on. However I have all these things pointing to the possibility that I might be a lesbian. I have fantasized about women before, sometimes it is better than thinking about a man. This is a very long post already, so I will leave it there. I am just very confused and need to sort this out. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
If you want my opinion, you sound straight to me, or maybe bisexual leaning towards guys. As for identifying more with men, its possible that you are genderqueer or something similar, but more likely that you just identify more with men. In the end, only you can figure this out. No one else can tell you who you are, only guess. Ask yourself, "Who do I want a relationship with?", and "Who do I want to have sex with?" Try to relax and see whether a man or a woman feels right. If both feel right, or neither, that's ok too. You said you did not enjoy kissing the two girls. How did you feel about the men you have kissed? It is also possible that the abusive relationship + your HOCD have something to do with you losing romantic attraction to men. Like I said before, though, only you can figure this out. Go with what feels right. If you don't want to, you don't have to label yourself, and just fall in love with whoever you happen to fall in love with. Good luck!
You said that you kissed two girls and didn't like it: one because she wasn't a nice person,t he other because she wasn't attractive to you. Are there any girls that are attractive physically to you?
Yes, there are. I have even been looking at some past friends I had. I once shared a bed with a girl and I was uncomfortable.
