Hello everyone, First of all, I am afraid that this is gonna be a long story but I really want to be heard. It's about time. I am a 25 year old male guy, heavily struggling with my sexual identity. At the moment I am in a relationship with a girl. We were more or less flatmates when we studied abroad, and so it happened that we slept together for six months straight since the moment we got together. After these 6 months we went back to our own countries, and now it is a long-distance relationship. When I first met her, fell for her immediately, I would get goosebumps whenever I saw her, and couldn't, and still can't, imagine my relationship with her other than sexually. However, I have always had this idea that I might not be completely straight, but never paid much attention to it. These feelings would only come when I was in a relationship for a while, and so it does now. I am still with her, when we see each other we have a lot of sex, always at my initiative, and I will always go down on her, and I like it. I had a lot of sex with many different girls actually, and there was always oral sex involved because I like doing it, but I wonder what that means. What is killing me now is the idea that I am not heterosexual, and I am gonna be one of those guys that will leave their family for a guy somewhere in the future. I worry so much about this because my attraction to guys is very real at the moment. I remember that a teacher said in class when I was about the age of six that in my class, 'statistically there must be around three homosexuals among us.' I assumed that I was it, even though I must have been chasing girls the minute after. Still, this feeling never quite left me, and I remember I told my mum I was bisexual when I was 13 or 14, she asked with whom are you in love then, i said no one and we never spoke about it again. After that 12 years with a lot of girlfriends followed plus an occasional wank fantasizing about guys, but the fact that I got aroused by it, didn't mean anything to me - I liked girls. Now I am starting to question this fact and I have been reading on websites like this for hours and hours and I am killing myself with thinking and reasoning, looking for an answer to relief me. This anxiety comes from the fact that there's at the moment nothing that turns me on more than gay porn, it is ridiculous. I barely have to touch my penis to ejaculate when I am watching it, whereas a vagina which had this effect to me for the biggest part of my life doesn't seem to do anything anymore. Have I been fucking around until now to deny my homosexuality? Am I a bisexual? I've been calling myself a bisexual for a few days or even weeks now, even told my girlfriend about my confusion, but why is this no relief? I know there's no answer but I would be very happy if there's someone who can help me a little bit. I would like to hear from someone with similar experiences. I hope that someone finished this post.
Man, I feel you. I've been in a similar situation for a while. I have the same fear of the future between me and my girlfriend. Everything is really cool right now, and she knows i like gay porn and we have hot sex. One just worries if that will go away over time. I tend to think that these stories of gay men with straight women marriages differ from ourselves cus we aren't forcing ourselves with our women and we're not denying these homosexual aspects of ourselves, we're trying to figure them out.
William, I can relate to many things you've described in your post. I also repressed my homosexual urges for a long time, chasing women, but unfortunately I didn't find a real sexual/emotional fulfillment in doing so. And then a trigger appears (an event, a word, whatever) and repressed homo feelings and urges resurface with incredible power ... In my case that was quite traumatic occassion which caused me lots of anxiety and melancholy. Have you so far enjoyed sex with your gf (and other women before)? Have you suffered from any sexual malfunctions (like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation ...)? How did your gf react when you told her about your doubts? My advice: get over this anxiety phase (perhaps you should see a psychologist and/or take some antidepressants) and then start to explore your sexuality (loosing up your repression, meeting gay men, perhaps having sexual encounters etc.) Don't blame yourself, be nice to yourself. Your are unique and precious human being - we all are - regardless of your sexual orientation.
Charboy89, thanks for your answer, I read your posts and there are definitely some similarities, except that I know that gayporn arouses me but I don't watch it. I mostly stick to real life sex with my girlfriend and when I masturbate it's either just straight fantasies or lesbian porn (I never get an instant erection from it and I can watch it without anything happening if I don't use my hands). Markoso, thank you for your words too. I recognize the trigger very much, there's not much to make me going insane from the inside, I even start to feel uncomfortable when I am with guys - I check myself all the time for arousal and in fact, I feel attracked to guys, I cannot deny that and I don't even have troubles with that. I told a few friends and no one believes me, but they say they wouldn't care either. Some girls I told me that they would actually like it if I turned out to be gay. I also know that I wouldn't have problems with my parents, my dad thinks it is a compliment to think someone is homosexual and my sister posted all kinds of stuff for gay rights on facebook so I know I am very safe to tell anyone about my sexual orientation. The thing is that it is just too confusing. When it comes to my girlfriend, I told her that I am confused. I told her the night we first kissed that I might be bisexual but it never became an issue. When we were in a relationship for a few months it became a big thing in my head, and I got really confused. When I told her that, we had a few good talks, she cried a lot because it felt this thing just put a an expiration date to our relationships. I didn't really know what to say, didn't really know how to calm her except that my feelings for her are real - and I still think so. After almost a year everything except my anxiety is fine. We have quite some sex, and I might be completely wrong but the thing is that I can give her oral pleasure for 10 or 15 minutes while maintaining an erection means I am not gay, and that's my struggle, I don't mind being bisexual, I am just to have to leave my girlfriend in the future and thus have destroyed her possibility to be happy with someone and build a future. The questions about sex, I never had the problem of not getting an erection, except a few times when I was really drunk, sometimes it just doesn't work. About the premature ejaculation, that has been a huge problem for me, but I know how to control it now, even though it's still not much longer than 3 or 4 minutes (If I want I can come within 30 seconds with my girlfriend). I know there's no one who can help me identifying myself, but it would be nice to hear similar experiences and how these troubles turned out for other people. One last thing, I have seen a psychologist for hypochondria for a while and I recognize a pattern - anxiety, looking for help on the internet, not finding relief, more anxiety, complete disfunctioning. However, this doesn't say that my arousal and attraction to guys is real. Thanks again for reading.
William, I advice you to visit a serious, well-qualified sexual therapist, because obviously you are dealing with several psychological problems which are, that is my opinion, connected with your sexual orientation confusion. He (or she) will provide you with an expert opion and suggestions how to proceed in your situation. Tell me, do you find sexuality with your gf pleasurable? It seems to me that you have overpractized it just in order to prove yourself that you are straight. Don't do it, if it's a source of stress! Best regards, M.
Well thank you, I am quite sure my problems are interrelated. And yes, I do like sex with my girlfriend, but you are right that I am looking for evidence to prove that I am straight. I just have to take it easy. Thanks for helping me. Kind regards.
