Describe Your Denial

I wasn't in denial. I was scared if lose all my friends. I was afraid they'd think I was some sort of pervert.

I don't think I was in denial because my close friends were very supportive.

 

Well when i was in middle school if the topic of gay people and/or people asked me if i was gay i would kinda flinch and get scared plus, i tended to deny whenever i got a crush on guys at my school this happened till i was 16, god then i just exploded with sexual desire and i kinda came out, not all the way but finally did at 17

 

Denial to myself happened over a period of time after I read up about detailed descriptions for sexual orientations. And the fact that I have never had a crush, nor found meaning with the word "hot" other than its literal definition.

Denial to others, well, hasn't fully happened yet.

 

My way of denial is by dating more men...sound terrible I know. I always knew I'm not straight but I don't want to disappoint my family so I've in full Restrained mode my whole life.

 

For me it took a while to get though. I first started noticing other guys around late middle school/ early high school. However, I also started noticing girls at the same time too. Talk about confusing! I had also heard a lot about how Christianity doesn't allow homosexuality. So, as a result, I focused on fostering my female attractions and writing off my male attractions as desperation.

I wasn't really concerned about what other humans had to say about homosexuality, but Christianity is extremely important to me, so I was willing to essentially kill apart of myself so that I could uphold my Christian standards. However, I also didn't want to drag someone, male or female, into a relationship that I couldn't fully commit to. Years later (and 0 partners later), I've finally been exposed to biblical interpretations that do allow for same-sex relationships and have started getting to know the "me" that I've kept caged up for about 6 years. As of now I'm essentially "dating myself" and waiting until I can support myself emotionally before I try to support myself and another person.

 

Never denied it, luckily!

 

I noticed guys, but shrugged it off because they messed around in semi homo ways (nothing sexual but...) sometimes and I thought it was normal. Honestly I watched porn alot and I would focus on the male subconsciously but soon I started to notice and forced myself into opposite sex only porn. I wasn't satisfied usually and one day I finally saw a happy gay couple and was like. "Hey I want that, seriously what's so bad about that" Jump forward 6 months I came out to my friend and followed the trail and bam out to everyone in school. (Also forgot to mention at some point in there I thought "I will try it once in college get it out of my system")

 

My denial reached an interesting phase. I got more involved with my former church that was that no super accepting, but they were not unaccepting, it was kinda weird. To make matters more interesting I was developing a crush on my boyfriend. However, when I first started having feelings for him, I was identifying as straight and he was identifying as Pangender (female assigned at birth) female leaning. Once he came out as Trans* the feelings increase, now mind you he was also my college roommate. I started telling myself and him somewhat that I would only date Cismen (there were even hand motions to this; it was bad).

Then after I came-out as Bi, I had a lot of internalized homophobia and religious thoughts to break through. The Cismen thing came back, even though my feelings for him had increase exponentially, especially after we sorta kissed one night (we shot gunned hookah). There was also about a month of questioning where I did everything in my power to convince myself that I was straight, we see how well that turned out, lol. I was pretty bad during this time, a lot of internalized homophobia and self-hatred. I did the same thing with religion; I spent about month trying to convince myself that I could be a Christian and bi. Did not work all that well, 6 weeks of stress hives later, and a lot of taking my cross on and off until I decided that was not worth it any more. I had to have my boyfriend take down some of my religious decorations, it got that bad. I also beat the crap out of pillows during both of these.

 

The way I was brought up, homosexuality was never discussed, and it was considered something that "other people" did and the fact that *I* could possibly not be straight didn't even occur to me. For a long time it simply felt like an impossibility.

I had a boyfriend for a while and it was really that which made me realise I wasn't straight. I knew it for sure then.

For a very long time I didn't even know what homosexuality WAS. I think I only looked it up when I was 12-13. Girls in my class used to use 'lesbian' and 'homo' as an insult, and around the same time I started looking up and researching the music I'd grown up with, and discovered that Freddie Mercury was bi I think looking that up was the first time I really read a proper explanation of what it was. But the thought that I might be as well did not even occur to me till a couple of years later.

So I actually don't know whether to call this proper denial or not. Because when the thought came to me that I might be lesbian, I accepted it without question. But that thought came really late.

 

I'm still trying to figure things out, but I often find myself trying to pick male celebrities to think are "hot" so I have something offer in those types of conversations. I remember even thinking "He's cute, I can't be gay if I think he's cute." I was bullied a lot in school and one of the things that got me harassed a lot was that one girl and her group of friends started calling me a lesbian, so I think for a long time I had a very strong negative association with that, and fought to deny it.

I've had some crushes on female friends, and I think at a certain point I accepted that I am sort of attracted to women but never was comfortable calling it anything, and tried to ignore it. I told myself everyone has those feelings and that they were just strong friendship. When I'd see attractive women I would often self-correct internally and say "no, that's not who you're supposed to look at, you're mistaken." I also told myself I could just push those feelings aside because I thought I was attracted to guys as well, though now I'm less sure of that. I've had some male crushes here and there and one relationship, and I clung to those a lot as proof of not being gay, as well, for a time. You'd have thought someone so determined to not be gay would realize most straight people *don't* have such a strong need to prove their supposed heterosexuality to themselves, but I was pretty clueless. :icon_roll

 

I am not sure about denial. I understand about not really knowing yourself. I am Irish born and bred. Gay was not something that really existed in Ireland or my life all the way up to the age of 19. When I landed a summer job in New York and found a guy that wanted me for me and realised that maybe, just maybe I was gay. I called my Mam back home. Imagine that conversation! Not easy. However, I am still with the same guy, married him and LOVE him. My Mam is still in Ireland and I have been in the US for 8 years. It's funny how things happen. You really can never know. Be strong, be you.

I still have to try to be me every day. Some days I am more me then others. A work in progress I guess. That's why I signed up here. I am still trying to be me, every day. When I find out exactly what that is maybe I can post more!

 

Well, for the first 17 or so years of my life, I went by the idea "just don't think about it". So I didn't. I dated guys, assumed I was straight, and didn't consider any other possibilities.
That came to a sudden stop eventually, though.

 

I remember having my first gay thought when I was at camp, and this cute girl attracted me more than the boys. It was early middle school, and I was a weird nerdy tomboy who just did my own awkward out-there thing. Anyways when I realized I had a crush on her I remember the moment of dread, and I wondered in my head: "what if I'm gay? How would I have friends? What would I do? How could I live with myself?" I reminded myself that I'd sortof liked a boy at summer camp a few summers before. I decided I wasn't gay. To ensure I wouldn't be suspected or attract attention, I stopped dressing like a tomboy and tried to be "normal".

I had an inkling here/there, and I remember a few times checking out a girl and in my head saying "If I don't check out guys, other people will think I'm gay. I should check out that guy over there."

But I also remember disagreeing on attractiveness of guys with my friends; one of them would bring up a crush and I'd just be like, "Him??!?!"

I thought these were normal thought processes of growing up, because I had no other frame of reference. But I was driven to heterosexuality because I feared being a weirdo loner, and the occasional crush. I didn't know that had I been straight these things would be easier and less murky for me. I had no basis for comparison.

Finally I questioned why I pursue relationships with guys and why I'm not attached in the way other people seem to get attached. I decided to let go of my *need* to date guys, let myself be single for a while... but then before I knew it I discovered I liked one of my female friends. We never dated, she doesn't know I had a crush on her (maybe she suspected) but this opened a whole new realm of possibilities to me.

Since then I've had feelings for a number of women, although I maintain that my sexual desires are gender neutral and therefore I can't call myself totally gay. Although maybe as I further let go of denial I will find a clear preference. I think the amount of time it takes to let go of denial is proportional to the amount of time spent in denial; in my case it's been a year and a half of letting go of denial and 14 years of being in denial.

So that's what it looked like to me.

 

I'm still in denial. So sure. I'm so new to this whole lesbian/bi thing.

What scares me is that, what if my 'wife/girlfriend' needs something that only a man can grant? Like, moving heavy things for eg.

And most of all I wouldn't want grossing out my friends and loosing them and disappointing my family.

 

I went through a similar phase but minus the checking girls out. I was a late bloomer and didn't really feel attraction in a checking someone out kind of way until I was like...17? So I started making an effort to check guys out which I wish I hadn't, because it made it hard to tell what was habit and who I actually liked!! :bang:

Actually I think this is kind of normal. I honestly don't understand any of my friends crushes. And I'm pretty sure they're flummoxed by mine! I guess we all have weird taste in men.

I wasn't so much in conscious denial, as laziness in acknowledgement for quite a few years. I found women attractive, but crushes were rare, so I just ignored it. And training myself to check out guys (even ones I wasn't personally attracted to) made it even less relevant. I just thought "well, yeah, but that's not enough to count" made worse because I don't get crushes on either gender very often. I guess I didn't want to be a fraud....I guess I still feel that way!

 

i was totally confused for so long

I never learned about asexuality or aromanticism until I was like 15. All my friends would tell me about problems with their crushes and I was just like "Well just stop having a crush on this person??" and they would tell me "That's not how it works."

to this day I still have no concept of who is "hot" and it greatly amuses my friends

 

Ironically I convinced myself for about 7 years (woah that makes me feel old) that it was a phase. A 7 year long phase. Then I woke up one day and had a massive panic attack as I realised that it wasn't a phase. I joined EC that afternoon and here I am, I'm so grateful for this site.

 

I don't remember even considering being anything but straight as a possibility until I was 13. I spent most of a year convincing myself that no matter how I felt, I was still straight as long as I couldn't picture myself kissing a girl. And, since I was quite determined to be straight, I just wouldn't let myself picture it.

I had a giant crush on Emma Watson when I was about 10 though, so who knows how it took me another 3 years to even question my sexuality. That may have kind of been denial too, though it's also possible that I was just completely oblivious. All I know is that it was almost a year of actively denying it.

 

For me, I denied it so much cuz I was raised Adventist....hardcore. I had my first gay encounter when I was 14. And ever since I can remember since I was 17..I looked at a lot of porn. And not just straight porn, but gay porn as well. I always felt like I paraded around in a mask. Im turning 30 this year and I am starting to accept fact that I like girls and guys.