I'm eighteen years old. Before I explain my situation there's a bit of brief of history I should share. When I was seven years old my mother met my step-father and moved him in with his three children. His son, fifteen at the time, sexually assaulted me quite a few times. It started off as children's play, tickle fights, the normal brother/sister thing and turned into him kissing my neck and touching me inappropriately. The advancements happened so gradually over time that I didn't really process what was actually occurring. One night I woke up and he was in my bed, my pants down. My parents both worked a night shift and somehow I would block each time what was happening. I was too embarrassed to admit what was going on and to be frank- I refused to believe something like that would happen to me. My mother majored in Criminal Justice in college and worked at a group home. Things like that couldn't happen to a kid like me, is what I convinced myself. To this day, my parents are still unaware of what happened. My step-brother was arrested four years ago for multiple burglaries and a rape charge. He has since been sentenced to fifteen years. I've found it kind of a lost cause to tell them now. My step-dad is struggling on diaysis and not to mention it happened when I was 7-9.. Almost a full decade ago. I think certain things are better left unsaid. Anyways, fast forward to now. I've dated a few guys and slept with three. One I was with for three years. And for some reason, no matter what I try or do, I always find myself counting the seconds until they're finished so we can be done. I don't think I've ever found pleasure in it. It's uncomfortable, awkward and damn near repulsive and I end up faking the whole thing with some convincing moans. I've always found women attractive. There's something more sensual and intriguing about them. When I picture sex with a woman- I find the image much more comfortable and easier to digest. I find myself wanting to actually try to it. However my issue is- I've never had a real crush on any girls I know in real life. Just the typical instagram/tumblr models. I'm not sure if I could really be a lesbian or if I'm just scarred and leaning towards women because of my history. It's a complicated situation and I'm the "perfect" girl who always seems to have the "perfect, forbidden fruit" boyfriends so I'm not sure how I could tell anybody about this in person. Any help/comments/opinions would be much appreciated. :icon_sad:
I'm so sorry that happened to you!! :tears: Some times its better to talk about things but other times If you've accepted it, it is better left unsaid. :icon_sad: You could be Asexual like me. Or maybe guys just about permanently ruined it for you. That's not terrible. It happens to people. Lesbianism is always another route to go. Who knows, maybe you'll like when you try it. :icon_wink :icon_bigg & if you don't, maybe with another girl you will. That's the cool thing about it, there's all so many options. (&&&) G'luck, girlie!
I keep bringing up my sister XD. When she was around 6ish all the way up to about 12 she was sexually assaulted by a man. Obviously this was severely traumatizing to her. At one point in her life she considered being a lesbian just because of what happened. Eventually however she realized that she was simply attracted to men. She's happily married now and has a daughter . I don't think personally that sexual abuse really changes or alters your sexual orientation, but for sure that abuse puts undeserving doubt and stress on the subject of sex You are seeing a therapist right? You were sexually abused for a number of years as a child.
Telepathic hug sent. Yes, it's possible that your past might have something to do with your sexual orientation- the mind works in deeper ways than we can currently understand- but that doesn't mean that your orientation is fake. It definitely sounds like you have some feelings for women, trauma or no. I believe that even without the events with your step brother the feelings would have developed, since you find the idea of sex with women attractive and not just the idea of being in a relationship with one attractive. It doesn't sound so much as running away from men as it is running to women. I hope you find some peace =)
