So heres where I am. I do like girls a lot. Back in high school, I would get teased a lot because of my weight and my nerdiness. I would ask a girl out and they would reject me pretty bad. One day, a neighbor of mine(a guy) had the idea of fooling around and jackin each other off. I noticed that not only did girls turn me on, but also guys and I started to watch gay porn. Now I was kinda conflicted because my family was super Christian. This started all when i was 16...I am in my late 20's now. After words, I did develop feelings for my best friends(one guy, one girl), but before I ever got the chance to tell them, they died in a car accident(separate occasions). That made me shut down entirely and not open up about my desires to be with people. Flash foward to a couple years ago, I finally was able to make strides in my life. I mustered the courage to meet new people, make friends again. Was able to move on my own when things were getting rough with my family. Only thing I felt I needed now is to pursue a romantic relationship because I haven't had that...really ever. I did fall for my best friend(female) and I finally mustered the courage to say I like her and she rejected me. She said she still needs me as a friend...and I said I would be there...but to this day...she gives me the cold shoulder. I been trying to get over her the best I can....I do see I could never date her. But it got me to think about why am I not lovable. I been told I am a good looking guy....sure...I am a huge dude. But sometimes I appear as not confident as I am when I perform. And I think part of that is trying to figure out my sexuality. I do know I find guys sexually attractive, but never have I thought to do anything because I am nervous. Same thing with girls...I know I am sexually attracted to them, but I get nervous too. It made me think...maybe I am asexual. But I look at porn....and I know I cant be. It came comes to the point where I needed to talk to someone about it. There is this one friend who I really want to tell who seems open minded....but I always worry if it will mess up the friendship. I know I give off hints when I am singing...cuz it allows me to be silly and I am the most confident performing. Some have said they question my sexuality sometimes...and I stay silent cuz I want to say I like dudes as well as girls....but fear. I just have this mask on I feel. Maybe because it a lack of experience. I dunno. Sorry if this whole post sounds all over the place. Its just that fear grips me and I am just sick and tired living this way. I've been the guy who put his wall up to be strong for others and listen to them, but I have a hard time opening up who I am cuz I am not quite confident in who I am. There are people in my life I am interested in...but this roadblock in my mind is stopping me because of all the rejection.
Gosh ain't this the story of my life. I feel your pain dude. But I just stepped back one day and said "fuck this". I am now happy with being alone, but I am not saying you should be. I still have incredible desire for people but the feeling I used to get of needing to be their boyfriend or whatever has been long dead. Dunno how I did that but I killed it, or somebody killed it for me. I feel relieved. I HATE rejection as much as anybody and I am also a very big guy and have many insecurities in my sexuality. I just cannot get myself to want a relationship. I am an over thinker and anxious person also so it is very difficult to be with people. Anyway, my point is that I got over my fears and I dunno if it is because of this loss of wanting love or what but I am over it and feel pretty confident to ask a girl out, and probably have her say yes. I need you to focus on being yourself and not worrying about rejection. You will find the right person for you and you will own at asking them out. This may or may not be helpful. I think it helps to know people share what you're going through and find ways of winning so you at least know that not ever person on this planet sucks.
Get failure out of your head, because there's no such thing as failure. So many inventors, painters, sculptors, architects, anybody for that matter, will tell you that they did not meet failure, just a small block. If it takes you a million tries to perfect something, you didn't fail 999,999 times, you just learned 999,999 ways not to achieve what you wanted. There's nothing to fear in falling down because as humans, we all do. Some of us are not as well-endowed with looks or talents, but that doesn't stop us from using what we have to make the best of our lives. If you tell your friends that you're attracted to both guys and girls, and they have a hard time accepting that, then they're not real friends. Real friends shouldn't have convoluted standards that those around them have to fit into. Each of us are unique, and sexuality is just another thing that adds to who we are. If you want to stop hitting those roadblocks, just believe in yourself. If you aren't confident in yourself and who you are as a friend, or an individual, then there's no way for you to be confident around other people. Stand a bit taller, smile a little wider, and find friends who are willing to accept you for you. And when you find the right person, someone that you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you'll know that all of your hard work, all those times you have stumbled and fallen but had the strength to get back up, have paid off. (*hug*)
Thank you guys for the responses. I feel alone...but I know I'm not alone. I know I have people that say they love me and I'm a great guy...and believe I will find the right one. The process is more like just getting that one chance finally to figure it all out. I never had an actual relationship with someone other than deep friendship.
