*takes a few deep breaths* I guess I should start by mentioning that I have dated mostly men; only one women. At 22, given my host of single friends that have yet to date, I think this is pretty good. Especially since I'm a huge trust-phobe and very, very shy with new people. Since I was 15 and caught two of my girl friends kissing, I was curious as heck. I wondered what it was like. I didn't actually DO anything about it at the time, but since then I paid a lot more attention to woman... something I gradually became aware of as time went by. Then, when I hit 17, I dated my first and (only, at the moment) girlfriend. Though my trust issues and fears made me end it at the time, I've always regretted doing so. She was a lovely girl, now happily married to someone else. There has always been something... missing with my guy relationships, I've noticed. The pattern seems to fall like this: 1. Meet a new guy 2. Get curious about whether or not I have feelings/whether it would work 3. IF relationship is initiated, feel good 4. Feelings die quickly. Especially if intimacy and sexual approaches are involved. ... I'm not sure if this is an indicator of my sexuality or my insecurity. Twice in my life I have been 'fooled around' with by guys, so to speak - once when I was six, and a few times by the same person when I was sixteen. Still a virgin, though. Regardless, I'm wondering if this has influenced my gender preference... Back to the main point (sorry if this seems rambled; I'm typing it as I think it, because my head is just as messy as this post!). I notice that I check girls out more often than men - but I am not entirely disposed to men's appearances. The thing is, male body parts don't do ANYTHING for me unless I'm masturbating and already heavily aroused by other stimuli. Penises look good awful ugly and I can't imagine myself being ON one let alone doing anything else with one!!! As for vaginas, I'm not at all fussed. But I definitely, definitely have a thing for breasts - no matter the size. So... I guess, put simply, I'm wondering if I'm 1. Straight but afraid to be as such due to my past experiences 2. Bisexual but discontent with having so much choice (I have black and white thinking; one or the other) 3. Gay/Lesbian. I'm open to any advice. I'm aware that only I can choose my label/identity... but right now my head is ready to burst with confusion and bouncing back and forth. I can supply more information if it's required.
No one can really answer this question for you. But I'd suggest once again trying to go out with someone. Get to know them, and see where that leads to. You do sound more interested in women than men sexually. Maybe that's what it is. You can be sexually attracted to a gender, but not romantically. It can also be romantic, but not sexual. Good luck.
Thanks for the response. I'll try and get back out there; it's really hard, with these trust issues, but maybe if I can knock them down a bit I can find out.
I've had a similar experience in dating guys, like if they initiate and things work out then cool but I never had a strong desire to pursue a relationship. I don't know if that means you'll wind up taking the same journey that I did, but your feelings are normal. Maybe you just haven't found the right guy; or maybe you just can't be romantically attracted to guys. Or maybe only a very certain type of guy. Who knows? Anyways good luck.
Well I'm glad you are talking about this, that's always the first step. Thank you for sharing Good luck
Thanks Connie, this is terrifying to talk about. Very overwhelming! And you might be right, wanderinggirl. You might be right indeed. What I AM aware of is that I check out women more, but find myself thinking about futures (not sexual; just being with them) with men. Would this mean anything?
I don't know if it would mean anything or if it just indicates that you're conditioned to want to be with guys long-term? Really hard to say. It's also hard to lump all men together, or all women together; like, I don't see myself with a really feminine woman but I do see myself with a more masculine woman. Of course, that gets complicated reeeeaaaallll fast. I think if you want a long-term relationship with a guy you can find one you're attracted to; but only if you want it for the right reasons (as opposed to letting societal pressure convince you to want it). Dunno if that helps.
My desire to have a guy in my future seems to stem from making it much, much easier to have children and because it's all I've grown up with. Books I've read, movies I've seen, my own parents... Straight, happy couples with a 'normal' life are all I've known for the most part. Trying to visualise myself in a same sex marriage is weird and almost uncomfortable sometimes in comparison. But the male scenarios never feature sexual contact, period.
Your situation is rather complicated. But as theflood suggested, you shoud try dating someone. A girl, perhaps. Many people don't accept the fact they're gay because they have a traditional concept of family and because they wouldn't be able to have children with a same-sex partner. It's the case of my best friend, actually. So perhaps you need a girlfriend to make you feel better so that you can accept yourself. You did say the only thing that ended your relationship with that girl was your trust issues, so apparently you feel both romantically and sexually attracted to women, when you're only romantically attracted to men. It seems to me that you are a heteroromantic lesbian (not sure if this terms exits, but I hope you understand xD). But it also seems to me you need to try to overcome that traditional view of the "happy" couple, because many same-sex couples are very happy. So get a girl and try to work on being happy with her is my advice I know it's harder than I make it sound, but you can do it Good luck!
Thank you so much for your advice Sheena, I really appreciate it! I WANT to identify as someone that is attracted to women - for the most part. But I keep having these fallouts where I wonder, am I straight or bisexual or just confused? So hearing the term heteroromantic lesbian is reassuring. I'm not sure how to go about dating a girl, though... it's not easy asking random ladies on the street. : ) But it's something.
Tell me about it ! It took me ages to find my girls. Maybe you could try signing up on a dating website? That would allow you to talk and get to know a girl you fancy before you meet her, in order to already consider her as a friend when you finally meet her. It might help you overcoming your shyness.
Sounds like a good idea, I guess! I'm wary because what if the distance is too far away? My last partner (male) lived a 5 hour drive away and it was torturous trying to meet up D: (though with my trust issues, it was a relief to have so much space between us hahaha...)
I find myself feeling the same way lately I've always dated and hooked up with guys, only had one girlfriend it didn't work out because of our trust issues and the fact that we weren't out. But since then I don't think I can be physical with a guy again. It's like I'm attracted to them , but when I think of being intimate I'm def not interested. As for women, I wouldn't mind being in a long term full relationship with one . So yea not really sure if I'm a lesbian or bi yet . Maybe pansexual? Ugh I hate labels
We can't define who you are ,only you can. You don't have to label yourself as anything. And thanks for discussing this with us.
Yes we are a lot alike and it's so refreshing to know that someone out there is feeling the same way . Good luck on finding that special someone
Thanks scalawag87. And you're entirely right biffle50. Hopefully I can decide who/what I am at some point... though I should really stop putting pressure on myself.
You sound a bit like me too. I've mostly dated men buy feel more sexually attracted to women. And penises do nothing for me. I've concluded it'a the person, not the sex.... What I can say is relax and let time show what you prefer. And free your feelings as much as you can, don't be afraid to fall for someone or to admit your feelings to yourself.
Thanks for your advice Nedussa. I did identify as Bisexual for a while, so... I'm wondering why I feel the need to pull away from that now, as it worked so well for me before.
