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Struggling lesbian. Straight relationship.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Laura27, Jun 12, 2014.

  1. Laura27

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    the Netherlands
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello everyone,

    Sorry in advance for my blabbering, unclear story and flawed English. It is quite late here in the Netherlands and I am tired. I just feel terrible and desperately need to get this off of my chest.

    A short timeline that led me to my conclusion:

    When I was 10, I decided I didn't want to grow up to be a woman. I refused to wear colorful clothes, suddenly wanted to play soccer and started watching motorsports with my dad.

    When I was 12, I told my parents I would never wear make-up and never EVER be with a man.

    When I was 13, I started to wonder why my friends started liking boys and concluded that I was a late bloomer. I started feeling a bit awkward and out of place.

    When I was 15, I had a long distance relationship with a boy. I couldn't sleep at night, I knew something was terribly 'wrong' with me. Something was wrong with my identity, I was seriously worried that I was transgendered.

    When I was 16, that boy broke up with me. A week later I suddenly realized that being a lesbian was an option. An option that seemed to fit me quite well. From that day on I couldn't get rid of the thought of being gay.

    When I was 17, I came out as bisexual to my parents and siblings. I also started dating a girl.

    Now I'm 19. That girl turned out to be boring so we went nowhere. I have moved cities, am a member of multiple student groups, found a lot of friends and am in a relationship with a guy. People think we are an adorable couple. We are both chaotic and are often described as 'too smart to be normal'. He is the perfect man for be; if I happened to be actually bisexual. I now am quite certain I am gay.


    My doubts about my sexuality have always taken place on the background. I have had severe issues on other aspects on my life. I've dealt with depression and (social) anxiety, caused by giftedness, ADHD, NLD and some learning disorders. I am a highly intelligent, chaotic person. After years of thinking that I am worthless, dumb and ugly, I can finally say that I also deserve a place in this world. I used to have no friends and hate myself. Now I have LOADS of friends and have started to like myself. Now that I feel an awful lot better about myself, my doubts about my sexuality and identity started to show up again.

    The man I am dating, is insecure, chaotic, gifted. In short, he has the same strengths and weaknesses, he is basically the same person I am. That's why I was attracted to him in the first place. He knows and accepts my bisexuality. He is very open minded, wouldn't be troubled by falling in love by a man. In fact, he sometimes points out men while telling me that 'if he was gay or bi, that guy would definitely be his type'. He is the sweetest guy I've met. He is madly in love with me, my closest circle of friends are his friends. That is where the problems start.

    I want to be honest with him. I love him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I need to be with a woman, otherwise I will become miserable. I know he will be completely heartbroken, he is just such an insecure, fragile person. Once I break up with him, our friends, who have known him longer than me, will pick his side and stop seeing me. I don't know if I can handle that. I have a history of social rejection because of my oddness, and now rejection is my greatest fear. I don't want to stay with him because of this reason, but I need to know if there is a way to stop that from happening. Probably not. I need to be strong.

    My family has fallen in love with him. He is, like I said before, very much like me and a true sweetheart. I feel so incredibly guilty that I've let our relationship come this far. At the same time I know that I really thought I liked him, so there is no reason to feel guilty. Yet I feel very guilty.

    I have no idea where I was going with this. I am now falling asleep so I will end my post. I hope people can relate a little bit to my story. I could really use some support because I know I can't count on my friends or parents with this. I feel like I've f'ed up big time, while, finally, everything was alright. I assume my post is way too long to receive any kind of response. If you've read everything, know that I'm grateful. I will go to sleep now.

    greetings from the Netherlands (*hug*)
     
  2. Maddie89

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Egypt
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    If you are sure you can't be happy in this relationship, then please move on before you end up married like me! It is so much harder for me now. Be grateful that u didnt tie the knot yet. Nothing is written in stone. You can both make it in seperate ways.
     
  3. DominoSuis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Scotland
    There's still time to split for you; just remember, by doing this you're giving him the chance to find someone who can truly love him the way you wish you could. : )

    It's scary, I know; but all my guy relationships have been the same for me. If you feel that you can't love him, then it's okay to let go. I think that exploring your sexuality will be good for you to see if you're bisexual or gay - I'm facing the same problem myself and I'm about to start doing the same thing.