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Sexual identity problems

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Ghs, Jun 13, 2014.

  1. Ghs

    Ghs
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    I was contemplating making an appointment with a sex therapist. But not quite ready to talk about this out loud so starting online.

    I didn't know where to go with this. I chose here but I dont know if it belongs. There's a lot to my story but I want to keep the details minimal, anyways..

    I'm early 30s, and I have felt conflicted about my sexuality all my life, but mostly almost subconsciously. I've always lived a straight lifestyle. I've feared being gay for most of that time. I have never had a gay experience. I crossdress and when I do I often fantasize about gay sex. I don't want to be a woman, don't know why wearing women's clothes is a turn on. I don't feel like a woman when I wear women's clothes, I feel gay when I do, like a gay man in women's clothes. I don't know if it's the real me or an escape from the real me.

    I don't know if it's a fetish, or if I'm gay or bi. I know most crossdressers are straight. I also do sometimes fantasize about being with crossdressed men or transwomen.

    I am beginning to retreat into a fantasy world. I am actually a straight-acting guy in a LTR with a female. I don't act like a gay stereotype but I do think people have thought I was gay before, don't know exactly why I think people sense I have a secret. Been very paranoid about my sexuality.

    I don't think about sex with men during my normal life only when I'm alone and feel safe I guess? Afterwards I always deny it to myself, tell myself it's just a fetish, get back to normal straight life. The desires go away for a time, sometimes short sometimes long but they always come back.

    My gay fantasies usually involve crossdressing but not always. I never picture any specific men in my fantasies. Sometimes the fantasies focused on me feeling vulnerable with someone stronger (like being carried or held) but sometimes it's the opposite, feeling more like I'm overpowering an fem man or transwoman. I have straight fantasies too but they don't seem to be as intense.

    I don't feel sexually satisfied in my relationship. There's been ups and downs but I have always had the feeling that something's missing sexually. I'm not sure if it's just this relationship or women in general can't full satisfy me. I used to have trouble performing sexually with women until I learned how to fantasize in the moment, I do sometimes imagine I'm with another man though not always.

    But overtime I have come to enjoy straight sex I think I know the female body well and would miss it, but I'm not sure if I'm missing out on the exhiliration I get from gay fantasies.

    It's not that I know I'm gay and can't deal. I'm not even there yet, I know I'm not entirely straight but how much so I don't know. And if I'm too gay to be satisfied in a straight relationship, I don't know what I'll do. Don't think I can stand to ruin anyone's life. I honestly always believed I was straight until now. I feel like if abandoned the straight life I might miss it too. But I'm losing sleep over this.
     
  2. Markoso

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    Ghs, from what you've written about your yourself, your sexual history and especially fantasies, I would say you lean more to the gay side of sexual spectrum. But, it is quite obvious that you're deeply troubled by this.

    I would suggest you to take a psychotherapy with focus on sexual orientation/identity issues (if you can afford it) and, above all, start to explore gay side od your sexuality and gradually you'll learn more about your sexuality and how to organize your life accordingly. For the time being, avoid putting any labels on you and try not to worry too much. Although, I know from my personal experience that this is easy to say but hard to do ... Best luck!
     
  3. Ghs

    Ghs
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    Thank you so much. I know I should see a therapist. I hope get the courage but not quite ready yet.

    Have been obsessing over this. I've gone through phases like this before but this is the worst yet. Part of my conflict is I have no emotional desire for same sex relationships. All my crushes and loves have been female, and those are very real and important feelings. Most of the women I've ever loved I'm still in love with. That said I've never been sexually satisfied with a woman. My attraction to them sort of lacks strong sexual desire. I usually feel good during sex and after but I know it just lacks the sexual potency I feel in my gay fantasies. Like I said I crossdress and when I think about playing a female role in sex with a male, I feel sexually attractive and potent. I never have had that feeling during straight sex, even when I'm doing well there is something in the back my mind that feels, kind of weak in the straight male role (sexually).

    Basically I think I have a physical and emotional attraction that's focused almost completely on women but sexual attraction that's more focused on males. Very deeply conflicting. I think I am bisexual but dont know if I'd be better off with a gay life or a straight life.
     
  4. Markoso

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    Perhaps you will be able to start feeling romantic toward men when you finally embrace your homosexuality. But it seems to me that you're not completely gay, although, as I already wrote, you are probably placed more on the gay side of sexuality spectrum (Kinsey scale etc.)

    I guess, big question is whether you want a family (child or children)? In this case I think you should be looking for a woman who is either bisexual or asexual (you would be shocked how many women still dislike or are even disgusted by sex). But if you make such a decision I advice you to be honest with her about your sexuality. She is human being with dignity (like all of us) and she deserves to be treated as such.

    And something else: don't you ever get entangled with a woman who is really straight. She will never understand you. You will just push yourself into big big troubles. I am telling you that on the basis of my own harsh experience. Take care!
     
  5. Ghs

    Ghs
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    Thanks again. I have been thinking about my sexuality a lot, not sleeping much and losing my appetite, by I think I am feeling better.

    I am in an LTR with a female who identifies as straight (I have my doubts though- I know I'm more attracted to her than she seems to be to me). I love her and will do my best to make this work no matter what my sexual orientation is. I am pretty sure I am bisexual and so I think if I want to have a committed relationship no matter what I'll be giving up some sexual fulfillment, whether it's the gay side or the straight side.

    You may be right that my sexuality is skewed to the gay side of the spectrum, at least based on the strength if my gay fantasies compared to straight. But I am realizing that my sexual desires have moved towards the straight side, in that I found myself more being impulsively aroused by female nudity. In the last year or so I started to feel compelled to look at photos of naked women, at first it just relaxed me then I started to feel aroused by it although still not as strong as my gay/crossdressing fantasies, but strong enough to make me keep looking. It seems like my sexuality is evolving in the direction of hetero.

    I am making progress. Not quite there yet but I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. My biggest problem is my implicitly negative view of homosexuality. That's what is causing me anxiety over my own sexual orientation. I've always supported gay rights and admired the courage of gays who come out, but admit that the word "gay" to me to elicit feelings of embarassment and shame. This is the core of my problem and I am starting to fix it.