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Insecure hetero or actually bi-curious

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by herbst, Jun 16, 2014.

  1. herbst

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    Hello EC forums,

    this will be my first post (and probably a long one at that) after lurking the forums for about five months now. I felt the need to post as I feel like I am at my wits' end in terms of figuring out my attraction towards both girls and guys. I am male, currently 19 years old and still a virgin having had a pseudogirlfriend in elementary though. I am out to my parents in the way that I asked them for help in the matter and they were accepting so that we can already skip that part.
    Before last year I would have never considered the possibility of actually looking up forums such as these and felt mostly straight with the occasional gay thought or fantasy which I never denied internally, but it felt out of place and confusing at times.

    What triggered my process of diving much deeper into the matter was my first day at uni at the end of the last year though when I saw a certain guy while waiting for a friend. At first I thought how he was one of the most attractive guys I have seen in my life so far. I must add to this that attractive up until this point was a purely platonic descriptor for guys. I didn't put much further thought into it, but I still couldn't keep my eyes off him and kept looking back. On my way home I still couldn't keep my mind off him and felt fuzzy and warm inside. I couldn't remember if that ever happened to me before, but it must have been a sign of a crush and I didn't feel bad about the fact that it was a guy and fantasized about him while masturbating later which felt great too (I want to add at this point that I stopped watching porn about one month ago at that point and didn't masturbate for a whole week before my first day at uni). During the next days I tested how real these feelings were by trying to spot him around the campus just to see him again one more time and I had the same reaction numerous time during the span of the next weeks.

    The real change in my life came after the first day of seeing him where I started to thoroughly examine wether this was a one time thing or not as I couldn't for the life of me remember the last time I felt like that about anyone. My fantasies radically reversed from maybe 95/5 hetero/homo to 5/95 (keep in mind though that I saw a lot of girls during school). The 5% of homosexual fantasies were mostly about two friends of mine and started at age 12 which is the age most non-straight people seem to notice their attractions which made me didn't disregard it instantly as a phase . Both of these fantasies were sexual in nature. I didn't and still don't feel comfortable after the initial rush ejaculating when thinking about guys for some reason. Maybe I only get off on the taboo. One was about a guy that I also met in my first day, not in uni, but rather in grade 5. We went to the same kindergarten too, but didn't have much contact up until then. The both of us instantly clicked and to this day he is one of the very few people that I would consider an actual friend. We basically spend every waking moment together and people in our grade spread rumours about us being a couple which it must have looked like from the outside I must admit. We had sleepovers (where I touched myself next to him without him noticing I think) and I always felt this weird tension between us both that mostly emitted from him though in my opinion as evidenced later on when he was getting out of the shower often times when I came over and he dressed up, but didn't want me to look or when he started stroking my leg with his hand or his leg. He did that both in front of other people and secretly in class. I felt neutral about it, not grossed out or anything, but I told him to stop in a joking manner as I wasn't sure where he was going with this. As you can see there definitely were some weird things going on. He was also into girls though, the slavic ones the most, but I can't judge where to place him on the hetero/homo spectrum as he had sex with girls before which I believe him. thinking back on school with the uni encounter in mind I noticed that I was basically only hanging around other guys. There were girls who showed interest in me and I interacted with some, but I never had a female friend until this year or got along with them well. I always felt disconnected from most girls and I always felt out of place when guys started to interact with girls. I felt like a child and still often do when I see how easily other people seem to interact with the opposite gender and how they are able to court a girl. On the other hand I enjoyed the company of guys much more and the male bond and affection between us. I can't remember getting erections from contact with other guys or urges to touch them which I definitely had with the guy from uni. Looking back is maybe not the best idea to judge things objectively as I also don't have the best memory yet I think that some of the people whose company I enjoyed the most were also quite attractive. If there were more feelings to that, I am not sure.

    It might seem like I am a full blown homo now, but girls were never uninteresting to me. I don't have any clue how it is for other guys, but I was never as sex crazed as some of my classmates seemed to be and I distincly remember one time during our class trip when I was with like nine guys from my grade and they started to talk about their crushes. I could say with confidence that I didn't crush on anyone (I am 100% sure about this) and they didn't believe me. I think I told them the name of a girl I found most appealing visually later on to make them shut up, but I could make this up. Regardless of this most of my masturbation was about girls. What I definitely do remember are the handful of girls from school that I found hot, one was quite feminine while the others were boyish in character or in looks, most of the time both meaning short hair and a tomboy way of dressing. I always found these types of girls very intriguing because of their male qualities especially in character and these are the only girls I can see myself develop actual feelings of mutual respect for as they break away from the feminine norm and have a mind of their own in my experience. At this point it is safe to assume that I am attracted to boyish/masculine features across the board regardless of gender and that is the description I would feel most at home with currently as not labelling myself feels like being stuck in limbo.

    The actual problem comes now though.

    As stated above my fantasies almost reverted to the point that I would say I am a homosexual if I didn't know better as I feel a lot of warmth and fuzzy feelings in my chest and body very often (although not all the time) when thinking about being in a relationship with a guy, hugging him, kissing him and having gentle sex very often in combination with the fact that he makes the first move or that we are both new to it as I have this big fear of getting taken advantage by another guy as a girl is more submissive and the the roles for both are clearly defined with the male being the leader (as this is an lgbt forum some people will have other conceptions about this, but this is how I see it without doubt). Moreover I have never met a single outed gay person and the only things I know are probably skewed conceptions from the media which is probably a factor in the whole thing. I don't know how gay relationships look like or where to meet other people who want to try it out without going into a gaybar where old guys who couldn't out themselves in the 70s prey on fresh meat as the dating pool is probably small. I tried ******, but I don't have the guts as I feel like I would absolutely regret it or get cold feet. Most of the people there weren't my type anyway. I gathered some gaythemed movies and sometimes got tearyeyed and fuzzy (can't pinpoint the reason as it seems very dull afterwards) when the male actors got affectionate with eachother and I have been watching gay and straight porn since I was about 13 although I am much more picky with gay porn and seek out material where the actors kiss each other and it takes much longer to find someone attractive(the same goes for real life aswell meaning I am more picky with guys). I stopped watching porn since last year(was 50/50 porn/fantasy) and mostly use my fantasy now in addition to some suggestive pictures. My main gripe are male faces which make or break it for me and male feet for some reason. It's not that hard with girls, but it is heavily fetishized I think. The form of female legs and feet in stockings is very arousing to me and certain feminine girls can turn me on majorly if they have special characteristics such as blonde curls and blue eyes. I don't like flamboyant gays or people who base their entire personality on their orientation and would want someone that is described as straight-acting around these parts as far as I know, just a normal guy. The guys I feel most attracted to are about my age (not really into older guys because of the power dynamic which scares me) and masculine. I am not into emo guys or femboys or whatever. I like defined forearms, abs, short hair and male clothing. One day I want to have children and it seems hard to imagine a future with another guy seeing as I currently don't feel much for older guys and the fact that the kids would have no mother, probably wouldn't be our own, wouldn't be breastfed weakening the immune system, would be a much bigger target for ridicule than kids normally are and that life would be all around harder.

    All in all I go back and forth between heterosexual and homosexual phases and both feel real in the moment before reverting to the other and thinking how it was possible to even think that. I don't know how to proceed with this. I want to find out where I can place myself on the spectrum of sexual and romantic attraction. I fear getting cold feet when the opportunity to experiment with a guy arises (especially undressing and oral) or suddenly realizing I deluded myself into thinking I would enjoy a gay relationship with no knowledge how happy I would be in a heterosexual one and losing attraction to my male partner/feeling disgusted by the whole thing seeing as these homosexual thoughts are very abstract to me while I could possibly imagine having sex with a girl I just met a party if I had the confidence. Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet? I found one cool girl at a party some time ago and that was the first time my life interacting with a girl felt natural. If these are sexual feelings or just friendship I don't know. Maybe I only seek out these gay fantasies as escapism from bad experiences and low selfworth with girls (prison gay lite) or maybe I seek out girls on the other hand to validate myself and for the prestige like a revenge in the way of 'look I can do it too'. Maybe I can't appreciate certain guys because I feel watched extra carefuly and having to do extra well because it's a guy. The last factor of doubt the fact that my uni is all STEM so most of the people there look like the part and quite a few are older than me aswell which may skew my perspective.

    I didn't plan this post out very well and I have a feeling that it got a bit unstructured and chaotic after the middle, but I hope you could follow my train of thought as I am not a native speaker. I'd appreciate your input on how to proceed, thank you.
     
  2. herbst

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    My post got stuck in the moderation. Bumping it back to the frontpage looking for feedback now.
     
  3. IG88

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    Hi welcome to EC! That's good that your parents seem supportive...but of what? Reparative therapy?

    That's good that you've stopped looking at porn (for the most part). I think once you get that out of your system, then your mind can pay more attention to who you like in real life. I've had it where I've seen a guy who was a 10, and I thought, "he looks like a model" :slight_smile:. Just the other day I was walking in the park and saw a hot straight couple. I looked at her and thought, "hey she's hot" and then looked at the guy and thought, "damn, he is sexy!" lol totally did a double take on him too. However, I have had it where I had seen a good-looking guy, not a 10, but I still couldn't help but look at his face and body. I even would look around to see if he was around. I don't know how to explain why I wanted to look at him and get to know him. It was a really powerful feeling. I also have never felt this way about anyone else I have met/known.

    Huh, your friendship with your friend since 5th grade seems pretty normal I guess, perhaps bromantic. Especially on your end. He sounds straight to me. Why didn't you respond to the interested girls? I know what you mean about finding it difficult to talk to girls. To other guys it comes easy, but to me I'm just awkward/not interested/too busy. Haha omg I know what it's like to be in the hotel room with the other guys and the conversation of hot girls/sex comes up and I'm like ... meh. I thought it was because I was Christian, and that I was supposed to treat other girls my age as sisters. I'm also starting to think that that was an easy cause to get behind, but an excuse nevertheless. I have the same strategy when my mom gets on my case about any girls that I like. Sometimes I just pick one to end the convo and move on.

    Perhaps you find masculinity attractive in general, regardless of gender. Or independence/confidence, which straight guys seem to show better than girls, at least from what I've seen.

    As far as apps/hookup websites go ... from what I've seen on this forum people who go through with those most often regret their decision. So, perhaps a more traditional route to go would be to meet another guy at an LGBT club at uni and get to know him. And if you're more picky with guys and less with girls, why haven't you dated a girl yet?

    I'm with you that I don't find (most) flamboyant guys attractive. It seems that they're either too annoying or materialistic for my taste. Hold on, if you're attractive to masculine guys, wouldn't they typically be more dominating? I know that isn't always the case, but it's something to consider, it's not just an age difference thing.

    Overall, you probably can date either a girl or a guy. Just pay attention to your feelings, and focus on the person, not the gender. If you felt like you really liked them, or loved them, then ask yourself this question: why do you love them?


    P.S. I couldn't tell that you were not a native English speaker.
     
  4. herbst

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    By supportive I meant that they would accept either a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they stated it all the time growing up aswell that's why I turned to them first. The thing with dating girls is that I only had the urge to go after one two or three times in my life. I don't seem to get along with them well and I also have the feeling that I could never develop any feelings for a girl who doesn't look or act boyish. In addition I find the look of vaginas pretty unpleasant. My attractions seem to fluctuate pretty strongly, but when I am calm and relaxed at night I usually think of cuddling with a guy. I don't know how it would feel in real life though. Concerning the power dynamic, I just don't want anyone to be the girl in the relationship as it would be degrading for a guy. My uni doesn't have any clubs, let alone an lgbt one and there isn't a scene in the city either so I don't know where to start without leading someone on.
     
  5. IG88

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    Oh wow, your parents are really forward thinking! That's good, and with dating girls you can keep your eye open for the masculine ones.

    On the other hand, it's all in your head for a guy to be on the receiving end of a gay relationship to be degrading. It shows love and trust for the other man. You could also be an exclusive top.

    I suppose since there's no obvious local gay scene to take the search online. Perhaps a dating site, looking for a date with a tomboy girl or younger/feminine guy. See which date went better.
     
  6. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    I think I would characterize you as bi-curious, and I think that the reason why your sexuality seems to change sometimes is because sexuality is not 100% concrete, it is a bit flexible. I'm not sure I agree with your statement about flamboyant guys basing their personality on their sexuality, I think that's just legitimately who they are. The most flamboyant guy I ever knew was always staring at girls and had a girlfriend. Like you said, some people on this site probably disagree with you that the male has to be the leader in straight sex too, lots of guys like the girl on top, or even for her to be a dominatrix.