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Unsure/confused about my sexual orientation?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Anonymous91, Jun 16, 2014.

  1. Anonymous91

    Anonymous91 Guest

    Hello everyone. I'm a guy in my early twenties. I'm new to this site and I would really appreciate if someone could shed some light on what my true sexual orientation is. I'm really very confused over it. I thought giving a breakdown of my past and present preferences might help:

    Crushes/romantic feelings: All through elementary school I only had crushes on girls, though I also felt some attraction towards a few guys. I recently found a diary from the fifth grade where I had written about this one girl I had a huge thing for and I even drew a picture of us kissing. In high school I had crushes on 5 girls and 1 guy. With two of the girls I actually couldn't stop thinking about them, the whole butterflies in my stomach, sexual thoughts etc. I actually ended dating both of them (at seperate times ofcourse) as they were also apparently interested in me. The guy is a bit more confusing because even though when I first saw him I thought he was attractive, what really made me think a lot about him was when I caught him staring at me many times and he would wink and smile. It definitely did not seem like he was just being friendly. But Im not sure if I had actual feelings for him or I was just excited over the attention. I never tried anything serious though. On most days I can only see myself romantically with a woman, though I'd be lying if I said if I haven't thought of being in a relationship with a guy occasionally.

    Flirting: I only flirt with girls and I really enjoy it. In all honesty, I cant see myself actually flirting/making a move on a guy, I have no idea why.

    Porn/nude pictures: I watch straight, lesbian and gay porn with almost the same frequency. What confuses me is how quickly I get turned on by gay porn/pictures of nude guys. With straight and lesbian porn/nude pics of women it takes longer and sometimes nothing happens, although sometimes Im not aroused by gay porn too.

    Fantasies: I fantasize about both women and men. I tend to fantasize about women more and get aroused more easily at the thought of performing oral on a woman, feeling her breasts,kissing etc. Strangely enough it's easier for me to get aroused at the thought of being with a women than actually watching women in straight/lesbian porn. My fantasies with guys usually involve making out and then just banging him. The idea of oral sex with a guy isn't as appealing, and the idea of him doing me isnt exciting either. I say this because I tried stimulating myself down there twice and it just felt odd.

    Erotica: I'm really turned on by straight and gay erotica. The weird thing is the descriptions of the women/ their private parts in the stories gets me very aroused, more so than just looking at nude pictures of women. I want to check out lesbian erotica too.


    I honestly dont know what my orientation is. The driving force behind the confusion how Im turned on by women in my fantasies/erotica/or artwork that I draw and in real life but not as much in porn. Likewise I'm really confused at how aroused I am by gay porn from time to time but aroused by guys less often in real life. Any input would really be appreciated.
     
  2. Acm

    Acm Guest

    You sound bisexual to me, possibly leaning towards women?
     
  3. Nychthemeron

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    I'm pretty sure you've heard this a billion times already, but sexuality isn't really something someone can decide for you. That means, even if one million people told you that you're bisexual, it doesn't mean you have to identify with the bisexual label. It is, after all, just a label. "I like both boys and girls" can be used as a replacement for bisexuality. There's no pressure at all.

    Having that said, you may be bisexual with a preference for women. Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to like two genders equally, and there's absolutely no shame in liking one gender over another.

    But like I said up there, don't take my word. People can offer a lot of awesome advice, but it's ultimately up to you to decide if you're really [insert label here] or not. There's no rush at all. You can take years and that will still be okay. After all, it's just a few identifying words. They don't change who you are. You change what they are.
     
  4. Entrian

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    Honestly only you can really decide what you are, but this sounds like textbook bisexuality! Or even to get more complex, possibly bisexual heteroromantic (sexually attracted to both men and women but only romantically attracted to women). Really though, there's nothing wrong with being straight and thinking guys are attractive, or being bi and liking girls more! There's tons of options out there, just read a lot and maybe you'll stumble upon something interesting.
     
  5. Najlen

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    The type of porn that you watch doesn't necessarily mean anything. People get off on strange things sometimes. If you want my opinion on a label, I would say bi leaning toward women. If you fantasize often about guys, find them attractive, and have hhad a crush on one, then you are probably not entirely straight. You definitely sound like you are leaning towards women, though. Sexual and romantic orientarion re two different things. I advise doing some research to find out more. You can also ask yourself "Who do Iwant to have sex with?" and "Who do I wqnt to be in a long term relationship with?" It can take a long time to figure out you orientation, but you're on the right track. Hope this helps!
     
  6. Anonymous91

    Anonymous91 Guest

    Thanks for the responses, guys. I suppose you're all right, I'm probably Bisexual and just have to think over it more.
     
  7. Chip

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    ima offer a different possibility. Not by any means certain it's correct, but I'll just throw it out there to think about.

    When we start confronting the idea that we might be gay, for most of us, anyway, there's a natural resistance to that idea. (Who wants to volunteer to be part of a minority that faces discrimination and ridicule on an almost daily basis!) So acknowledging that one is gay is a "loss" of belonging to the majority and a "loss" of the perception that we're straight, and there are stages we go through in processing that loss -- denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    During the "bargaining" phase, we start to consider that we may have attractions to the same sex, but we rationalize it by justifying the opposite-sex attractions we have or feel. And there are plenty of guys that had girlfriends all through high school, watched straight porn, but at some point realized that it didn't really do much for them... and as they opened up more to the idea they might be gay, they found their attractions to guys growing stronger.

    The reason what you're saying doesn't sound textbook bisexual to me is the juxtaposition between what you describe with porn and what you describe with masturbation fantasies. Usually there's a fair degree of consistency between the two, but it sounds like with porn, you're more attracted to guys and with fantasy, it's more girls. So that could be bisexuality, but it could also be a discomfort or resistance at a conscious level to accepting or being comfortable with the fact that the attractions are stronger toward men than women.

    Finally, it's not at all uncommon for guys, in the early stages of accepting themselves, to feel a combination of attraction and revulsion to guys: they can masturbate and orgasm to guys, but they immediately feel sort of grossed out by it afterwards, or they sort of feel an allure toward men but at the same time are grossed out about the idea of actual sexual activity with a guy. Again, this is a byproduct of the fight between the conscious and unconscious mind.

    So while I think it's possible you're bisexual, I also think it's possible that you are closer to, or almost completely gay but are still having some trouble accepting that in yourself. One suggestion that sometimes helps is to consciously decide for a couple of days that you're gay, and act accordingly... let yourself look at guys and appreciate them, masturbate without porn thinking about them and being OK with it, and so forth... and then do the same thing with girls and giving yourself permission to be straight. Often that exercise makes things much clearer.

    And feel free to bring up any thoughts/questions/concerns that arise... the more you explore and open yourself up to what you're feeling, and talk about it, the quicker you'll be able to arrive at an answer that makes sense for you.
     
  8. Anonymous91

    Anonymous91 Guest

    Chip, thanks for taking the to time to write out such a detailed response. The thing is, I've actually tried what your saying. I should have mentioned this but at one point I thought I might just be completely gay and convinced myself to just think about guys, but the thoughts about women/wanting to be with a woman come back. Then I tried only thinking about girls and not guys. The thoughts about guys did come back, but they feel weaker in comparison to the feelings/thoughts I have for women. I'm not saying I'm completely straight, but on an average day I'll check out say 3 girls and maybe 1 guy. I don't even know if I'm 'heteroromantic' with absolute certainty. I could possibly have serious feelings for a guy, but that hasn't happened yet. I don't feel any romantic/sexual feelings for my male friends, I know that for some gay guys, not all obviously, its one of the initial signs. I have been interested seriously in a few female friends though. So its things like these which make me doubt I'm ''closer to, or almost completely gay.'' This is not an early stage of realizing I also feel attracted to guys, I mentioned I felt attracted to both at a young age, and thought I may be completely gay for a while like I mentioned earlier. I think you may have misunderstood. This is me trying to label my sexuality finally.
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    There is a desire in most of us to know our sexuality and be able to say "this is who I am". It's a totally normal desire too as nobody wants to feel in a state of flux with something that is, let's face it, pretty important. The danger arises if we try to fix our sexual orientation too soon to get beyond the questioning stage.

    Some of the things you mentioned in your first post may be indicators of homosexuality or, perhaps more likely bisexuality with stronger preferences. On the other hand, it could be simple curiosity. The only person who can decide is you, but don't put pressure on yourself to reach that decision. If you are unsure it's better to take some time now, so you don't end up re-visiting this issue years down the line, with a lot more hurt and pain.