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Questions - Please Help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wlba09, Jun 17, 2014.

  1. wlba09

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Okay. I've been a lurker here for the last nine months. I haven't found a thread that adequately answers what I'm going through (yet).

    Outwardly, I'm a straight man in his late thirties with a wife and a couple of kids. Inwardly, I just don't know. I think that I want the life that I've built, but at the same time; I'm pretty sure I'm not straight - and it causes significant problems in my life.

    From as far back as I can remember, I've always been more mentally feminine. I wanted to wear women's clothing since second grade.

    Throughout my adolescence I experimented with cross-dressing but that is about it.

    In my twenties, I was never a ladies man, but I did okay - and I enjoyed it. But I always got a rush from engaging in "girl-talk."

    I've always enjoyed pornography, more kinky than not. But since I turned thirty, I've turned toward "forced bi" porn.

    On one of my weaker days, I hooked up with a guy and I sucked his d***. It wasn't that awesome for me. I was drunk, and I vowed to never stray from my girlfriend at the time again.

    Now I'm not sure if I'm gay or straight. I find women more visually attractive than men, but I don't want to sleep with them...I want to look like them and act like them.

    Sexually, I find that I am into men's genitalia more than women's - but I'm not generally attracted towards guys. Obviously, super sexy men from magazines can get to me, but on a daily level, I get more of a charge from seeing a beautiful woman.

    I get severely depressed when I think of the future b/c I don't feel whole. I can't see myself living with my wife and being happy but I also cannot see myself happy coming out as gay.

    I truly don't know what to do but I'm afraid that if I do nothing - nothing is going to change.

    Ultimately, I fear that if I come out as gay - I won't be happy and I will have destroyed the lives of my wife and two kids. But I also fear that if I don't come out - I'm going to die of depression related actions.

    I have once told my wife that I am "differently oriented", but that led to a lot of catholic guilt issues for her.

    I am reaching out for a couple of reasons.
    (1) I don't know if my fascination with men's genitalia is necessarily gay or is it just a fetish - and where is that dividing line??? (wanting to kiss men, snuggle with men etc)
    (2)Does anyone have experience with attempting to cross that line without ruining their relationship?

    Any advice is much appreciated.

    Thanks
     
  2. Najlen

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    I can't tell you who you are, only guess. You don't sound gay to me, but you don't sound entirely straight either. Don't listen to me though, because only you can know for sure. You also sound very, very confused, for which I'm sorry.

    Are you confused about your orientation, your gender, or both? I am not an expert on gender, but you sound like you could be somewhat genderqueer. Again though, don't listen to me.

    As for figuring things out, a combination of research and fantasy seems to work well for many people. Find out more about different sexual and romantic orientations. There is a lot more out there than just straight and gay. Picture yourself in different situations with a man and then a woman. See what feels right.

    Good luck!
     
  3. CuriousArticles

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Southampton, UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey :slight_smile:

    I don't know how much I can help but I'll give it a try. It sounds a bit like you have a fascination with men, which could be because you are to some extent gay. You say you want to be a women, not have sex with them, but what about your wife, or past girlfriends? How did they make you feel?

    It sounds to me like you are more attracted to women, but on occasion find men appealing, does that sound right? So it's not unreasonable that you could be bisexual, or bi-curious. I think the distinction between fetish and attraction is whether you actually want to be with the men. You say your not generally attracted to them, just the genitalia, so it sounds more like a fetish, or curiosity, especially as your experience with a guy wasn't great (but doesn't rule out being bisexual/gay).

    As for the cross-dressing and wanting to look and act like women, that could be more of a question for someone who knows more about gender identity?? But I know plenty of straight guys who enjoy girl talk.

    Sorry, I don't have any good advice for you about your wife, but I admire your courage broaching the subject with her.