Hi there! I just wanted to share my story somewhere... I wouldn't be judged. I'm a girl, freshmen in college, traveled to a new country for uni. I've always had crushes on boys. And I never questioned myself. About two years ago, I started feeling this "discomfort" when I saw a woman on tv or a movie, wearing more revealing clothing. To this day, I have no ideia if it's fear of being attracted, actually being attracted or just my dangerously low self-esteem comparing my body, my uninteresting body, to that of a model, of an actress. I've never seen myself with anyone but a man... I mean, now I question myself about it, but I just don't feel it will be natural. But I keep having this discomfort. A few of months back, I met someone, a man, and, even though I met him in less than perfect circumstances, he made his way to my heart, and became (not my first boyfriend), but the only boyfriend I actually loved. I loved him in a eager way. The sex, even though I was basically a newbie (only done it once before, and THAT was a terrible first time), it was passionate, beautiful, intimate. While I was with him, I barely noticed the "discomfort" I had. But there was a problem... I was scared to admit to myself that I was in love, and I was even more scared to admit it to him. Why? Because I had that woman's sixth sense that something was wrong. It was. I was blinded by love, to the point where I couldn't see he was starting to manipulate me. He got mad at every little thing, had selfish and sexist point of views... etc. So I started having panic attacks. Why? Because I couldn't handle that relationship anymore. But at the same time, I loved him terribly. After I told him that my panic attacks were somewhat related to my relationships (and also to my sexuality, because I couldn't really understand why I wanted to break up with him, so I "blamed" the fact that I may not like men. I now realize it wasn't that at all. I simply did what my generalised anxiety disorder made me do - ignore the real problem, and transport my anxiety to something that was already rocky in my mind - my confusion towards women), he broke up with me. Just like that. He didn't try to understand, he just broke up with me, even though I told it I had this horrible disorder that was making me go crazy with panic. He said that he would still be there for me, and I could call him whenever to talk about my problems. We got back together a few days later, after he said, even though he couldn't wrap his mind around my GAD, he would try to understand, because he promised he'd be there for better or for worse. You might be asking yourselves: why in God's name would she get back together with someone as manipulative as that? I didn't know at the time. I just knew I loved him, and I needed him. He was one of the only stable things in my life. But it wasn't the same, he kept picking fights with me, even though he knew I was really depressed and almost suicidal. The GAD wasn't getting better, it was leaving me obsessed with the topic of sexuality, to a unhealthy point. So, after I told him 10000 times that I needed him to help me, and not to treat me like :***:, with the heaviest heart, I had to breakup with him. I was basically pulling the relationship by myself. It ruined me to have to break up with him, I still cry about it today. A few days after we broke up, I found out through friends that he'd been lying to me compulsively throughout the relationship about where he was studying (why would someone do that?)... and that he'd been talking to his ex. I'm a little fuzzy on that last part, don't know if it's true, but I'd rather think it is, it makes it easier to try to get over him. Now I have another huge problem on my hands: my obsession with my sexuality. It doesn't help that, after my disaster of a relationship, I can't really look at guys the same way. Maybe one day I will. I like flirting, and I like guy's attention, always have, but when I watch a movie, or when I'm sitting in the subway, I tend to not feel that "discomfort" when I see a cute guy. And I wonder. And when I see a girl my age, cute or not, I always question myself. My therapist says it's nearly impossible that I'm homossexual, due to the fact that I see women as rivals, and that discomfort is due to my complete lack of self-esteem, and that most likely, my panic comes from being alone in another country, no parents, new life, etc. I really have no problem with being gay, but the fact is, when I sit and think: am I gay? The pieces just don't fit together. when I imagine kissing a girl, I feel meh... I can't even really see myself in a relationship with a woman. But, due to my GAD, I can't really think of anything else. I want to figure myself out, I want to get over my horrible ex... who I'm still in love with. I have this deep-dark fear that I'm just using everything as an excuse for my actual homosexuality, and my obsession has gotten so deeply rooted in me I can't even distinguish what is attraction from fear. Sometimes I just want to kill myself, because living with this obsession is exhausting... it really is. Even when I tell myself: okay, it's okay if your gay, just STOP obsessing, I can't STOP. Because it's not even my sexuality that's the problem, it's my GAD. My dad also had GAD, and it started when he was my age. After a couple of years, he was over it, with no real treatment. Sometimes, after I take medication (I'm still kind of iffy on starting antidepressants, but I am taking something to relax me), I look around and I say, what the hell? Maybe you do have some kind of underlying attraction to women, and now it's stronger because you think about it more, but I want to fall in love (and I can really only see that happening with a man), and I've never had a crush on a girl-friend of mine... so maybe you're just bi-curious. I don't know, my constant obsessing, my lack of stability, it's really ripping me apart. I can't focus in school, I can't talk to my friends without every ten minutes having a thought like "are you in love with her?". Even though, I'm 100% sure (despite the anxiety) that I'm not. Anyway, sorry for the testament, I really didn't mean to make it this long. If no one reads this, I understand. It's okay! I love all of you! (&&&) PS. I apologise for the horrible english. It's not my native tongue.
This is a tough situation. It sounds like you do consider yourself to be straight and you say you don't feel any romantic or sexual attraction towards women. I think it's a good possibility that this obsession is a manifestation of your anxiety, but in the end you're the one who is going to know best what you feel. Try asking yourself what you really want in relationships and sex. If you only want to date a man, then date a man. If you do want to date a woman, then do, but please don't drag someone along who you are not attracted to and explain to them that you are not certain about your feelings towards women at the beginning. Feeling like someone's experiment can hurt. A break from relationships altogether for a while might be for the best as you get over your last boyfriend, though.
Thank you so much for replying. It's nice that someone would care enough to listen I know that I can't make any decisions until I fix my anxiety situation and this terribly low self-esteem (used to have bulimia). And I know that I can't get into any relationships now, not after this one. I am trying to stay open minded... Emotionally, no, I really can't see myself with a woman, I've though about it. The emotional connections I've always made with women have been sisterly, or friendly. Is there a possibility of a sexual attraction? Right now, I can't answer that... I feel guilty that this is bugging me so much, when there are people out there with much bigger problems. And I feel so stupid because I still think of him. Thank you for your advice, I'd never experiment with someone for selfish reasons
I second everything that marie11 said. You shouldn't feel guilty, it seems like this is your biggest problem so there is no reason for guilt. You aren't stupid to still think of him. Love is strange and if you really love someone, it takes a long time to get on with your life. You will understand who you are with time. It can take years to figure out your orientation. In the meantime, know that there is no rush for you to do so. Don't focus so much on your orientation that you forget the rest of who you are. Good luck.
I have GAD, too, along with social anxiety disorder and depression. I'm still figuring out my own sexuality, but lately I've been feeling its likely I'm gay or heavily lean toward women. Let me first respond to what you've said, and then share some of my own experiences, so maybe the comparison can help you. So you've been in this awful relationship with this guy. You clearly loved him despite all of that. You enjoyed the sex with him, too. You sound like you were definitely attracted to him, emotionally and physically (though correct me if I'm wrong). I think it's not surprising for you to want to take a break from men when you've just been in a damaging relationship. That doesn't mean you need to date women, it probably just means you need to take a break from relationships altogether until you feel a little more comfortable, or until you meet a person you feel comfortable enough with. If it's a man, great. If it's a woman, also great (though yes, I totally understand it's more complicated, and a bit scary ). Can you describe the "discomfort" a little more, in regards to women? It's hard to say whether you could be experiencing some kind of attraction or if you're just feeling self conscious in comparison to their bodies, as you said. It's also possible that it's just the general bodily exposure that makes you uncomfortable, too. Also, how does this discomfort compare to the arousal/attraction you feel toward men? I've also been obsessing about my sexuality. I worry a little at times that my GAD could be skewing things as well. But here's a difference between us... I have had crushes on both women and men in the past. It sounds like you've only really been attracted to men. Could that change in the future? Sure. But you haven't really mentioned any history of attraction to women thus far. Growing up I had very little interest in dating, never really got what was so great about guys that my friends would get all gaga about. In retrospect I had a rather um, strong attachment to a couple of female friends, however. I would get jealous if they had boyfriends, and that typical sketching things in your notebook margins, yeah, I did that about them sometimes :icon_redf . Up until not too long ago I thought I was most likely asexual or somewhere in the gray a area. Recently I started to experience more sexual attraction, however. I think some of it has to do with improvement in my mental health, as I know depression can really kill sex drive. Whatever it is, I also made the decision to be more open with myself about my attractions. And since I've made that decision I've realized that for a very long time I've been correcting myself when looking at women. So like you I felt some discomfort around attractive women, especially when they wore revealing clothing, but I've realized it's because I was attracted to them and was trying not to be. Trying to hide it from myself and from them. Now that I let myself acknowledge this the attraction is a more pleasant feeling. Sometimes it's a little uncomfortable or overwhelming, but it isn't a wholly negative thing like you've been describing. I hope some of that helps you. You said you take some medication to calm yourself but are wary of antidepressants. Are you taking some kind of benzo for panic attacks now? I've never taken those myself, but I've been on antidepressants (SSRIs) for several years now and I think they've been instrumental in my improvements. I was pretty much nonfunctional at times before I decided to go on them. It took me a really long time to decide to give them a try, too, and I was really scared of the idea of them, but I am very glad I chose to take them now. It took hitting rock bottom for me to finally decide I needed to go on the antidepressants. Maybe for you they could be helpful, too, as if you're taking some kind of fast acting anxiety med that's not really going to do much for your overall anxiety and obsession in the longer term. Has your therapist talked to you about taking SSRIs?
Thank you for your support girls Yes, my relationship was "fulfilling", except that he was manipulative... and I was (and still am) in love with him in every way. And no, I've never made any kind of romantic link to a woman, and I feel so incapable of doing it, and believe me, I've though about it a lot. Even though I do compare myself to women, maybe I have been when looking at women. It makes sense. Maybe there is some kind of suppressed attraction... I don't know if that could grow into something else, because it's never happened before. I really don't want to label myself... I've tried putting myself into a "box" (and I can never stick with it because it never quite fits). Because I see myself with a man, in the future, after I get over *him*. I just need a break from love. And I confess, I had been having these interesting conversations with this Norwegian guy, and I was super into him. I just can't bring myself to start something at all, when my head is still a mess. I'd probably just end up hurting him, and confusing myself even more. So I stopped talking to him with the same frequency, we're just on friendly terms. Besides, he knows I still think about my ex every damned day. I feel really relieved to have read your post, thank you TheStormInside, because I feel like I made some progress. Maybe this is just the way I am, I'm bisexual leaning towards men or bi-curious or whatever it's called. I'm just not used to recognising this awkward feeling with women because I keep trying to pin it as something else. I'll try to see it that way. Maybe that's it. I'm currently taking sedoxil for any random spurts of anxiety. I really understand the feeling of being nonfunctional. I couldn't think of anything except my obsession, the best part of my day was (and still is, on an off day) when I went to sleep, especially when I dreamt about my ex. My anxiety was taking over my life and most days I really wanted to throw myself out of a window, just because living was exhausting. Sometimes I still fear everything, I feel unstable, lonely, and question every aspect of my being. After my second anxiety attack, my boyfriend took me to a psychiatrist and she told me to start taking sedoxil as a temporary relief and Zolof as SSRI. My mother (a health-freak) advised me to keep away from those since I'm so young. But one of the girls in my dorm (who had GAD, and is now off meds, and hasn't had anxiety attacks for ages) told me that they were really important for recovery in the long-run. My therapist is not a psychiatrist, only a psychologist, so she's told me she's not professionally equipped to help me manage my meds. For now, I have to fix myself, get my anxiety in check, my self-esteem up and "not forget the rest of who I am". Again thank you girls!! <3 You've been such a huge help
I'm glad to have helped a bit, osulivan. I didn't mean to say that your feelings toward women are necessarily suppressed attraction, though. I was trying to compare my own feelings to what you are having, so you could sort of decide if they "match up." It's possible you are just self conscious about your body in comparison to other women. It's possible it's a subconscious attraction, too, but it may just be your anxiety, you know? When say "correcting" myself in my brain I would say "No, don't look at her, that's a girl." But I suppose yes, attraction feelings could also be masked by looking and thinking something about body envy. Then again, it could just simply be body envy. I guess it's up to you to work that out, though, and I think you're right to not try to put yourself in a box at this point. If you're straight or just bicurious it really isn't needed, anyway. As for the meds, I see a psychologist too, so she can't prescribe medication herself, but she suggested I go on antidepressants and sent me to my general practitioner with the info and my general practitioner prescribed them. Really she was suggesting them for a long time before I finally broke down and decided to give it a try. All of the things you've said, I also experienced. The anxiety completely taking over, totally exhausted because you're constantly just on edge and worried, the same thing looping over and over in your mind. For me it sometimes came to a point where I'd welcome depression because it meant I actually got to "relax" for a short while (well, until the depression got bad enough, anyway). Anyway, it's up to you if you want to take them or not. I can tell you they've been a big help for me, but everyone is different. I'm glad you're realizing you need to focus on you for now, and not on relationships. I think that's probably the most important thing to have realized at this point .
