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Nagging doubts, and sorting out attraction to women

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ClimbHikeBike, Jun 19, 2014.

  1. ClimbHikeBike

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    Hi everyone! Apologies in advance for the length of this post... I just joined the other day, and while I've been hanging out for a while on EC and I've come a long way in determining and accepting my sexuality, I still have some questions to answer. First, here's a summary of my history with my sexuality, in more detail than in my intro post:

    From a young age, all I really felt was that I wasn't attracted to anyone. When puberty hit and my friends started noticing and then dating girls, I didn't understand it. I wasn't attracted to anyone -- girls or boys -- and I didn't have any desire to have a girlfriend, let alone a boyfriend [insert comment here about our dumb heteronormative society :/]. This continued through middle school, high school, and into college. In addition, sex, sexuality, relationships, dating, attraction, etc., weren't really talked about at home, and my friends and I never had any meaningful discussions about it (not that I would expect teenage boys to do so...) nor did we do any of the experimentation that I've read/heard about so many teenagers doing. I also discovered masturbation quite late, or at least later than I get the sense many boys discover it. As a result of this lack of attraction, as well as an idea that I had that sex/attraction/sexuality/etc. were taboo subjects because they were never talked about and for some reason felt dirty to me, I never thought about or explored my sexuality. So, I basically took all my thoughts, feelings, and opinions about sex, sexuality, dating, relationships, attraction, etc., put them in a box, and stashed that box in the deep, dark reaches of the back of my mind. I never recall consciously doing this, but avoiding these subjects with myself and with others became part of me. I suppose it was a way to deal with the fact that I felt different by not dealing with it at all; I became very good at repressing and hiding feelings.

    However, things would occasionally make their way through the cracks in the walls that I had built. In high school I remember having what I guess I would call a certain fascination with a few guys. I would inexplicably want to be close to them, I would think about them more, and I would look at them more. I don't recall anything particularly sexual in nature in those thoughts, and maybe I'm looking back and trying to categorize them as expressions of my sexuality when they in fact were not, but in any case those thoughts happened. I also had one good female friend in particular who is quite pretty, and sometimes I would wonder why I didn't feel any sexual attraction to her, but I would quickly push such thoughts away when they happened.

    Then, I believe during my sophomore year of college, it occurred to me one day that I might be asexual. I thought about it for a few days, I Googled around and watched videos and read blogs, and I ended up deciding that I wasn't asexual. I did (and do) want sex to be part of my relationships, but I came out of that very, very brief episode of questioning just as frustrated as before with my apparent lack of sexual attraction. I also did not deal with everything I'd repressed at that point; I just went back to the usual state of affairs without confronting my sexuality as a whole. At that point I still just assumed that I was somehow broken, and I had come damn near to accepting the fact that I was never going to fall in love, never know what it would be like to kiss someone, never know what it would be like to be in a relationship, and never know what it would be like to have sex with someone I loved, even though I desired all those things.

    And then I met this guy and instantly developed a massive crush on him. He quickly became a friend, but because (a) I was still in a state in which my sexuality was so repressed that I didn't put two and two together, and (b) I (rightly) assumed that he's straight, from the start I wrote it off as never leading to anything. But for a couple years I was crushing on this dude. It was the whole nine yards, and not something I'd ever experienced before: I would think about being near him, looking at him, doing random everyday stuff with him, holding his hand, cuddling with him, kissing him, having sex with him, everything. In the very few cases I've had in my life in which I thought I liked a girl, I wouldn't really have romantic thoughts. I would just try to imagine sex with her, but it always felt kind of distant and without any sort of emotional connection. Additionally, my fantasies (like when masturbating) have almost always involved guys. For a while when I was younger I managed to do it just for the sensation without really building a fantasy in my head, but for a long time now it's always been men. It's harder and less enjoyable with women.

    Alright, so now the reason why I'm here: one day in late March/early April, I suddenly thought, "Wow, I'm gay." I shouldn't have been surprised, but it happened in a single instant and it felt like I had literally been hit by a load of bricks. From the start it felt right and seemed to connect so many dots, but that didn't prevent the following two months or so from being an absolutely insane roller coaster of emotion as I tried to navigate this huge identity switch.

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    Ok, so from what I wrote above it seems pretty clear that I'm gay, right? I think so too. I mean, I have my orientation on this site set simply to "gay." If you read my intro post, it seems pretty clear that I'm gay and just going through the process of integrating this into my identity. Maybe that's true, but there are still a couple things that I'm trying to deal with.

    Attraction to women: Because I've just started to allow myself to feel sexual attraction -- previously I would hardly even let myself acknowledge whether or not someone was attractive -- I'm experiencing this incredible flood of new feelings. I'm definitely attracted to guys, and when I'm out and about I tend to notice guys. It feels natural for me to check out an attractive guy, and sometimes I'll think that I would like to be in bed with him. However, I'm questioning my attraction to women, or, maybe more precisely, I'm wondering what is normal for a gay guy to think and feel when he sees an attractive woman. I can recognize when someone is attractive regardless of gender -- as far as I can tell an attractive person is attractive, period -- but now that I've had my, "wow, I'm gay" revelation, I'm really overthinking my feelings and second guessing myself when I look at women. I feel like, if I am indeed gay, I should have no desire at all to look at women, but I still look at everyone when I'm out and about. I don't think I look at women in a sexual way, but I have this fear that while my repressed sexual attraction to men has shown itself, maybe a repressed attraction to women hasn't yet. Now, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense given my history, but it's still a fear that I have. For example, I've honestly never found breasts to be a turn on -- I've always just thought something like, "huh, those are interesting" and nothing more, and I've never had the desire to touch them -- so I don't know why I'm now second guessing myself when I see big breasts or a good-looking body or a pretty face, but I am. I guess when I acknowledge that a woman is attractive, I'm scared that that means that I'm sexually attracted to her. This ties into my next question.

    Sexual attraction in general: I'm still sorting out what sexual attraction feels like to me. I know I feel it for men, but I don't seem to feel attraction as strong as I hear people describe. I've never had butterflies. I've never gotten the weak-in-the-knees-feeling. How is it possible that someone is so attractive that you spontaneously feel like you're going to fall down!? I just don't understand that. However, I'll sometimes feel some tingling in the nether regions, and sometimes when I see a hot guy it'll feel like my eyes are glued to him. Is sexual attraction just an involuntary physiological response, or does it involve conscious thoughts as well? When I see a hot guy I'll sometimes think, "Oh yeah, I'd have sex with him." But does that mean anything about my orientation? For example, so many gay people initially really, really don't want to be attracted to the same sex, but they still are no matter what they think or want. So I have trouble accepting that simply thinking that I don't want to have sex with women (which I don't, or at least I think I don't, or...see, I second-guess everything!) is enough to show that I'm not attracted to them. I guess for me the divide between sexually attractive and just aesthetically pleasing isn't super clear when it comes to women. I don't think I find women attractive in a sexual way, but I'm still not 100% sure. There's no voice in my head saying "YES" when I see a man and "NO" when I see a woman. Is it possible for sexual attraction to be a subtle thing? Does what I want play into it at all, or is it all hard-coded there waiting for me to discover and accept regardless of what I think I want?

    Did any of that make sense? Has anyone else experienced similar doubts or wondered about these things? I know that time will answer these questions, and that I'm probably overthinking it, but it's incredibly, incredibly difficult for me to make myself stop thinking and just feel.
     
  2. saa412

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    It's good that you wrote out all your thoughts. Sometimes that's so helpful in of itself!

    I am a confused person as well, so take my opinion for what it's worth, but I think you are overthinking things. You're so eager to dissect yourself that you're missing the big picture. You're pretty comfortable with being gay, right? So don't push it. Just let that identity settle in and mature a bit and see where it goes. It sounds to me like you are gay.

    Like you said, you acknowledge when someone is attractive. But that doesn't mean that you want to have sex with them, right? Even men? I personally can look at someone (like, say actors Chris Hemsworth or Mila Kunis, for example) and think that they are mind-blowingly attractive. But I have no sexual desire for them.

    It doesn't sound like you are sexually attracted to women. I don't know if sexual attraction is involuntary or conscious... probably a little of both.
     
  3. ClimbHikeBike

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    Thanks so much for your feedback! Yeah, writing it out was definitely helpful, but I think I went overboard on the length! Oh well.

    Yes, I'm totally comfortable with being gay, and you're right, I should just give myself time to let it settle in.

    Right, I do recognize that sexual attraction and sexual desire are different things, but I guess since this whole sexual attraction thing is still so new to me I'm still trying to figure out how each one feels to me.

    I feel like some things I said in my original post might have come off as me being afraid of being bisexual, and I'm not. I spent so long not letting myself feel attraction to anyone, and then I suddenly realized/acknowledged to myself that I like men, which was quite a change to my identity. It's been so freeing to accept that I like men, and I feel so much better about this part of myself than I did when I was repressing it. So, I'm now scared of repressing any other parts of my true self. At the moment, it's hard for me to look at an attractive woman and both (a) acknowledge that she's attractive and (b) feel comfortable with the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to her. I don't know whether this is because society's message that men should like women is still ingrained in me, or because I'm still somehow repressing an attraction to women. While the latter option doesn't make much sense, it scares me, so I guess the crux of my struggle right now is to feel comfortable that I've totally left my period of sexual repression behind.
     
  4. saa412

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    You should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to explore all of this. So, good for you!

    As far as oppressive societal norms, I totally feel you there. I am a rather outspoken feminist, heh. :slight_smile:

    Maybe when you see an attractive woman and you start to feel weird, just say to yourself, "That woman is hot, but she's not for me, and that's OK," to remind yourself that it really is OK to not be attracted to her?

    Change and progress are scary, but exciting!

    As far as the length of your post, I think it's good to give all the necessary information relevant to your questions so that people can give you an informed response. I wrote a long post here as well and no one has replied yet, probably because of the length, lol. We live in an age of short, easily digestible bits of information and I think a lot of people, including myself, can get stuck in that "tl;dr" mindset!
     
  5. medic

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    This definitely sounds similar to me. I don't think I had any crushes on anyone up until this year. Your idea that attraction sometimes making its way through walls also rings true. When I look back there were a few guys I think I might have felt interested in but they were quickly buried. I never felt anything like that about a girl. I also had a kind of eureka moment when I thought, maybe I'm gay? Before I know it I was checking out guys fairly frequently. It was scary and pretty unexpected but I think I've probably been getting clues for a while.

    Also, I agree the distinction between recognising somebody as attractive and actually being attracted to them is difficult to get a hold of. I can't use the name, but I started using a popular dating app (also used in the straight world) and told it to show me guys and girls. I can tell girls are attractive, but when I get a match with a guy it's more instinctively exciting. With a girl I'm flattered but I think that's it. I'm finally managing to get over the "nagging doubt" stage and it feels pretty good.

    Honestly it's a bit of a relief seeing somebody else feels the same!
     
  6. ClimbHikeBike

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    Yeah, thanks, maybe that will help. I'm frustrated that it doesn't feel natural yet, but I'll get there.


    It's a relief for me as well that you feel the same way! Glad you're getting through the "nagging doubt" stage :slight_smile: Hopefully I'll be there soon too!