Hi I just finished my first year at uni and I've had some stuff finally happen to me. The thing is.. it's getting really really confusing. I do not know what or who I want and it's driving me slightly insane to be honest. One day I randomly had this thought, well what is I was gay? And... it freaked me out. It couldn't be. It would be important to mention that I now live in the UK but I come from a very very conservative and homophobic country. So.. I pushed this thought aside even though I knew it would maybe make a bit too much sense. This might get slightly long and I apologise, I don't think I'm too good in explaining "feelings" stuff briefly :icon_bigg I was never the popular kind of girl that people would actually date and I always felt bad about this. I got to be quite insecure about the way I look and behave and now I'm just somewhat dysfunctional in social settings. I don't have much experience with guys or girls so I couldn't really understand what was wrong. As pathetic as it sounds I had my first kiss on my prom night when I was 18 with a guy who I don't really think I've had feelings for. I was drunk though (I think he got me drunk slightly intentionally). The other guy I've ever kissed I met when I went to uni and after lots of making out I eventually slept with his just so that I could lose my virginity and stop feeling like a loser for being so far behind. But I don't think I felt anything for him either. I just did the things that were expected of me so that I could be normal and like everyone else. But to some extent I hated it. When he would kiss me, I would just go somewhere else in my mind. There weren't butterflies when I saw him and when I kissed him, in fact I was anxious at the though of having to talk to him about feelings and having to make out with. It was like a choir. On the other hand, I've always had these feelings for women in my life. And up until now I thought I was just admiring them, but I'm not too sure anymore. I would get obsessed with some people and I would just want to be around them more and speak to them and do stuff with them. And this year I had these weird feelings for these two girls I met in uni. It's not like anything I've felt before. I can't even explain it in a logical way :icon_bigg One of my best friend's flatmates and I were hanging out together at this festival - we did shots and talked and everything. And she was so gorgeous, I would look at her and all I would want for her is to kiss me. She's straight though and she got drunk and made out with this gay girl so that was kinda painful. Anyways, any time I see her I get this weird feeling of just wanting her to care and to like me and to kiss me. I've also had a similar thing with this other girl. I found myself wanting her to make a move on me, to kiss me, I wanted to be close to her. And then, there's this absolutely gorgeous lecturer that I've had for exactly one lecture, but every time I see her around campus and she (politely) smiles at me, I get butterflies in my stomach and I just want to be closer to her. This might sound completely shallow and I might not be able to explain it properly, but all these feelings confuse me so much! I've never felt for a boy the way I've felt for these girls. I might have not found the right guy. I don't know. I really want to be with a girl just so that I could maybe compare... I need to know. I'm really scared that I'm imagining that I might be gay or bisexual and eventually it turns out I was wrong. Anyways... I might have rambled way too much so I'll just stop here. It's just a confusing time and I would appreciate any advice. Thanks for reading
It looks like you're lesbian or homoromantic, but it doesn't mean that you can't be bisexual or biromantic. It's just that your experience with both genders makes it seems like you're only interested in the same sex, but who knows? Maybe you're bi and never got able to find out a interesting guy. I don't think you need to be in a relationship to be sure about your sexuality, I never had a partner and I already know about mine's. That's just my opinion though.
I know exactly what you are talking about. If you want an opinion, you do sound gay or at the very least, bi with a female preference. You shouldn't listen to me because in the end, only you can know for sure. It can take a long time to figure things out. I felt the same way you do for months, I kept thinking that I had to be wrong, but in the end it turned out that I just needed to come out to myself. There are some questions you can ask yourself that can help you figure things out. 1: Do I want to have sex with men, women, or both? 2: Do I want to have romantic relationships with men, women, or both? You can find the answers with a lot of soul searching. It also helps a lot to imagine yourself in different situations with a man and then a woman, to see what feels right. It takes time. Honestly, though, from what you said about your experiences with men and your feelings for women, I don't think you have a lot to figure out. Read your post again. What would you think if you were someone responding? I hope this helps.
