Another: "what am I and how do I deal with it?" post. HELP ME PLEASE. Warning: candid talk about sex ahead. This will probably be long and rambling. I apologize in advance. I'm a cisfemale. I have personally identified as bisexual since adolescence, but I am not out to many people. The reason for that is because I have only ever had serious relationships with men. I always figured that if I was in a heterosexual relationship then I wasn't allowed to identify as bisexual. I never pursued a relationship with a female purely out of fear for having to redefine myself to my family. It was simply cowardice, and I am still ashamed of the way I let that fear hold me back. When I was a young teenager I met a girl and fell in love. My first crush was on a boy, but I was IN LOVE with this girl. Head over heels. Physically, we kissed and cuddled a lot, but nothing beyond that out of just not being ready. I called her my girlfriend and she called me hers. When my parents figured this out, they outright asked me if I was gay. I told them no, because I wasn't. I was also attracted to boys. That's when I began to identify as bisexual. We eventually mutually decided to end our relationship but remained friends. Many years later, after we had both had relationships with men, I had sex with her and her boyfriend on a couple of occasions. Well, I should say that I had sex with her while her boyfriend was there. I wasn't interested in him physically and he was OK with that! The physical aspect of my relationship with that girl ended after that, but we remained close friends. When I was in high school, I had 2 serious relationships, both sexual, both with boys. I also dated (not seriously) a girl, and in fact went to prom with her. After prom, I went back to her place with her and things got steamy, but never progressed past some intense making out. I was afraid of not knowing what to do with her sexually. Yes, I had been with my female friend before, but this girl was much more experienced than me. As I got older, I continued to have serious relationships with men, and had one other casual sexual experience with a woman. I found myself being equally attracted to women and men, but still afraid to pursue a relationship with a woman, and becoming increasingly confused about my sexuality. Was I *really* bisexual or was the fantasy about being with a woman just that - a fantasy? This is really stupid, but the older I got the more I became ashamed of my lack of sexual experience with women, which was discouraging. Who would want to be with someone so inexperienced? I also had intense self-esteem and body image issues, which didn't help. I was sexually experienced with men, however, so I didn't have the same feelings about pursuing relationships with them. Throughout my life I've always buried my feelings about women, only allowing myself to date men. Like many people, I have zero inhibition while drunk, so my buried feelings always come rushing to the surface when I drink. Eventually, I got married to a man. Then I got divorced. Even then, even when I was free to start over, I WAS STILL AFRAID TO DATE WOMEN. I felt pathetic. The only woman that I was into enough to be motivated to push through my comfort zone, was, of course, straight. I did tell her about my feelings and she very gracefully turned me down. The attraction to women never went away. Eventually, I met my current partner and fiance, a man. He is amazing and supportive and understanding beyond my wildest dreams. He has known that I am attracted to women from the very beginning. He and I have discussed my feelings about women, and he is open to me exploring in a limited context that involves his participation in some way. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a woman, but I am interested in having sex with women, with my fiance's approval. I've grown a lot as a person over the past couple years, and have been putting a lot of thought into who I am, what I want, and what my purpose is in this world. Part of that involves defining my sexuality. I am sexually attracted to male and female bodies of varying genders. I like to touch man parts and I like to touch lady parts. When I'm being totally honest with myself, I have a stronger attraction to female bodies than I do to male bodies (like a 70/30 split). I have erotic fantasies about both. However, I guess that my history shows that I prefer relationships with men. But now that I am in a permanent heterosexual relationship, am I allowed to call myself bisexual? I am not sure where to go from here. I am not sure what my feelings mean, how to define my sexuality, or how to continue the discussion with my fiance. Sorry that this is so disjointed. I appreciate any advice you have. Thanks for taking the time to read.
