A little background: Here we are again... quite early in a new and pretty great relationship and I am predictably self-sabotaging. My M.O. for years- find a man, absolutely idolize him, give it 3-6 good months of real effort, and begin finding reasons to bail before it gets too real. I took time with this guy. I took the time to get to know him and to really make sure we courted. Not just dated, but old-school courted before I made anything official, because not only do we share a core group of friends, but I 1000% look up to him and did not want to lose him or our friends should things go south. We casually dated for 4 months and have been officially dating for 2. We have taken the physical things VERY slow. At first, it was because we share friends and neither of us wanted sex to confuse the situation and create a false connection. Then we started connecting with each other in other ways and it was just nice actually. It was nice to know that he wasn't dating me for a piece of ass and that he truly cared. Once I was secure in the fact that this was a good decision, that we had a good thing going, that he could be trusted, I started to let my guard down and began thinking that "Now's the time". Life has gotten in the way of that happening lately though and so we've yet to sleep with each other. Fast forward to Yesterday morning: I woke up early and surprised him at his house with breakfast. He wasn't feeling too well and I wanted to cheer him up before our friends' wedding that evening. I put a cold rag on his head and talked to him sweetly for a while before leaving to continue my errands. I come home and, finally feeling some of the weight of a stressful job leaving me, decide to enjoy some me time. Ugh mmpph.. Mee time... So here I am in the midst of me time and my mind is fantasizing about a million and one things and, as the jeopardy wheel of kinky thoughts slowly comes to a stop in my mind, it lands on this one girl. This girl who I semi-regularly speak to on another online community and who is both smart and beautiful. This is not at all uncommon for me. I have always considered myself bi and have always fantasized about other women. That does not bother me at all. It's that this fantasy was quite different than most of the others I have had and, without being too graphic, I will just say that the roles were reversed compared to what I normally think about. In reality, I'm not so sure that matters, but nevertheless in that moment I asked myself "Why am I the one giving this time?" and as if my subconscious had picked up a megaphone it screamed "Because you're gay!"... What? It literally stopped me in my tracks and that's pretty much where I stand today. A bit caught off guard and quite confused. He showed up to take me to the wedding last night and this good guy, who I totally adore and who I just poured my heart out to only a month ago (about how good we are together and how much I look up to him and yadda yadda), doesn't seem quite as attractive to me suddenly. Suddenly his coffee breath makes me want to vom and, when we were cuddling after the wedding, his hard-on literally made me feel a little sick. :eek: Now... part of the sick feeling was also my brain screaming at me that "I'm a liar" and "hiding in my own skin" and part of it was also the open bar :lol:, but mostly it's from pure confusion. I don't know what to think. If I didn't already have a pretty standard history for bailing early in relationships, I would perhaps be more apt to listen to that thought. But.... perhaps my history of bailing early in relationships could be because I'm gay?? I'm stuck in a circular argument with myself and with a subconscious who I frankly don't trust. That bitch will say ANYTHING to avoid becoming emotionally vulnerable. Is this her ultimate play? Is this her big fire alarm pull or is this real? Am I about to ruin a good, supportive relationship and lose literally all of my friends but one, or am I going to wake up and realize this is fear of being hurt manifesting in a really convoluted way? I know none of you can answer that for me, but..... well maybe you can give me a little helpful insight? Best
I want you to know, I've been lying in bed for a while now, listening to my boyfriend snore away, agonized by these exact thoughts ... and then I came across this post. You are not alone.
I stay up at night wondering the SAME thing. I can't tell if what im going through is real (although it's been over a year now..) or if it's some sick form of self sabotage because I feel worthless.
I feel sad that I have no real answer for you, for myself, and for all the other people going through this right now. Fact of the matter is, only you can know if you're gay. It might take some time to figure it out, but the way I look at it, coming to the realization that you're gay isn't something you want to rush into. Also, it is totally okay to decide at a later date you're not gay. It happens to people a lot. Best of luck to you dear.
I quit relationships early on, as well. It depends is it because you have trust issues or is it because you really are gay, or you are bisexual but with a preference for women? Maybe you should try to date a girl?
I have vulnerability issues for sure. I was certainly open to both sexes while I was still searching for someone to date. I wish I would have had that opportunity before he and I started dating, but I don't necessarily want to give him up to explore that area of my life just yet. I'm pretty committed to seeing how things work with him while I try and answer this question for myself. I thought about this a lot over the past day and one question I have asked myself is "What was going on before I had this thought?" The more I think about it, the more I realize I was approaching the first weekend we have had in a while where things were calm and pleasant in other areas of our lives-a weekend that would given us plenty of time to finally have sex and I had been considering asking for that the night we went to the wedding. Because we were friends for a few years before we started dating, my mind hasn't played nearly as many tricks on me as it normally would in the beginning of a relationship. Perhaps because I already trust him or perhaps because I knew what signs to look for if I started that negative self talk. So, if my subconscious were going to successfully scream out a bunch of thoughts that basically mean "I'm afraid to be vulnerable. Run away" then they would have to be pretty well cloaked to sneak past my conscious brain which is on red alert. I'm not certain that this is what is going on, but it's something to explore at least. And back to dating girls... at some point... when we are more comfortable in our relationship (if it continues) I think I will bring that up. In truth, I have no real romantic feelings towards other women. When I am sexually attracted to a woman it is purely based on physical attraction. Once I get to know them I usually become less attracted to them sexually. I've come across the terms romantically hetero, sexually bi... or something to that end. I guess I fit into those categories. :eusa_danc
