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I feel as if I don't know myself...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Paradoxiolitic, Jun 23, 2014.

  1. Paradoxiolitic

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    Hi, I just became a member on EC... Just recently I've become really confused... Everything is feeling so unreal. I'll apologize in advance because I think this will probably turn out to be a pretty long post...

    Until I was about 12/13, I was strictly attracted to females, or maybe I just hadn't realized an obscure same sex attraction. I had crushes and genuine sexual feelings for the opposite sex. Then, maybe with the aid of some gay porn I stumbled across on the internet (and perhaps some other earlier experiences which to this day I ask myself if it changed/defined me) I began to develop gay thoughts.

    At first I didn't think much of it but it they were becoming dominant in my mind. Gradually my attraction for girls faded away, until it eventually reached basically 0. Being young I began having thoughts of "It must be a phase, it'll go away. Why me? Why don't I feel anything when I think of women anymore? I'm so afraid I might be gay". It all felt so strange.

    For about two years these thoughts kept clouding my mind. But it was kind of sinking in. I pondered maybe being bisexual, I still retained something like 1% of my original attraction towards girls (looking back I believe I was nearly consciously, but not completely consciously, I don't know how to explain it, trying to fool myself).

    When I was 15, I began to accept myself for who I was. So what if I were gay? A particular day, it just kind of resolved itself in my mind. I remember that day. Waiting for the next class to begin in highschool, I thought "So I'm gay. There's nothing wrong with me, it's just me." I barely had any sexual feelings for women anymore (but I did have a quick crush on a female friend), but men made me crazy. It made me happier.

    At 16 I had a straight friend crush, but that didn't last long. I knew he was straight, had a girlfriend. He was and is very open minded and accepting of diversity, so him being secretly gay or whatever didn't really make sense to me. We remain great friends to this day after those feelings subsided.

    It seemed all pretty clear to me - my feelings for men and lack thereof for women sexually. But, this year, freshman at college, some things happened.

    I became really good friends with a girl from my class. I just saw it as that, friendship. She on the other hand, told me she had feelings for me and how she was very confused, because she has a three and a half year long boyfriend (she's 21). She told me she had never felt drawn to someone else during her relationship, and how things with him weren't going so well. Apparently he began noticing differences in her and asked if there "was another guy".

    During this facebook conversation I told her I didn't feel the same way. She had said earlier she would be afraid if "this other person" (it was pretty obvious it was me, given other factors and the way she spoke) would distance himself from her if she told him. I assured her otherwise (maybe shouldn't have done that, even though it seemed it was about me she was speaking of there could be a chance it wasn't).

    I felt pretty guilty because I had it in my mind I was an obstacle to her relationship. I asked her what she wanted, that I'd respect her decision. If she would want to momentarily distance herself from me or keep on our friendship. She wanted the latter. But I still felt I was hurting her and her boyfriend, so I came out to her, heart racing, as some way to get me off her mind immediately. First I came out to, by the way. She was honoured I had trusted her to say this and that it helped. We continued our friendship in a stronger way. She's patching things up with her boyfriend, sucessfully, from what I can see.

    She began acting more as a friend in comparison to before, thinking of it now, it really looked like she was all over me, it got uncomfortable at a point, but I just ignored it.

    Two to three weeks later, I found myself developing a minor crush on her. "WTH is happening" was my first thought. I got scared, terrified. "But I'm gay??! And after all that happened??" I tried to calm down, and kind of did. It was REALLY a silly little crush, lasted like 3 days. But I guess that happened because I consciously made it a really good friendship masked as a crush. After all, she is the first person I came out to. But still.

    Things got hazier when I started noticing women more and my attraction for men falling. I was deathly afraid. I don't know why, I just wanted to keep on being gay. I guess it became a part of my identity, and scared of letting it go. This keeps on going, but to a much lesser extent, since I've been reading so many EC threads and trying to cope.

    I don't even know if I'm making any sense of myself now. But I felt so betrayed by myself. "Why are you doing this to me, me?" 7 years ago I began to develop gay feelings, and I went through some time of hating myself for it. Now that I've accepted it, my mind takes this huge twist?? I even masturbated to gay porn like 5 times in a single day to reassure myself.

    I began to ponder on small things about myself, and how much of it is fabricated. I cried last night alone after coming to a (maybe untrue?) realization. I know nothing of myself. I don't know me, I feel like I can't trust myself. I dont think I've ever cried like that out of pure thought.

    I don't think I asked directly for advice, maybe because I don't even know what to ask for. I'd really appreciate input though... After reading EC (particularly justinf's journey, wow, that brought a tear to my eye, feels so ethereal...) It is nice to pour it out anyway...

    Thanks

    - John
     
  2. ElPescado

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    I went through the same thing. I'm only 13 but my first real crush was on a girl.(I'm a girl by the way in case you didn't look <----- lol) Then I had a crush on 2 other guys. It didn't really bother me because I considered myself to be bisexual. Then last year in 7th grade I had liked like 4 girls... I also did have a crush on my friend only for a week because I got over her because she's not gay. I don't really know who I am either, I say I'm straight sometimes I think I actually think that I'm straight, forgetting that I am way more attracted to girls than I am to guys.

    So I know how you feel. So I would say to ''label'' yourself as what you think fits you more. If you like a girl then date her if you like a guy then date him.
     
  3. PacificNWbiGuy

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    You seem to be doing something similar to what I had been doing to myself. Putting way too much pressure on yourself to define your sexuality. Once I realized I'm fluid, and I like more than one gender, things got a lot easier to cope with as they came up. Just let the feelings come and go, see them for what they are, and go about as you choose to. It is what it is, don't try to make it into something that it isn't. Just let you be you. Sorry to sound so cliche, but sometimes it works out that way.
     
  4. FancyGummy

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    Yeah, you're going to have to deal with not being 100% gay. Same thing happens to me, one day I'll be crazy about some guy I just passed by on the sidewalk, and the next day I feel as if I'm 100% straight and start to wonder just what the heck is going on. I've learned to have fun with it and just think of it as a daily surprise. Keeps my life interesting.
     
  5. rich96

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    Like everyone else, I don't believe you are gay, you never were. When you started watching gay porn, that became the new thing for you, everything else you liked (women) became numb, you never lost attraction to them whether you realize it or not, they just didn't give you that spark anymore. This lovely girl you speak of now, I imagine she's beautiful, her presence brought back what was numbed years ago, that's all. I say if you ever had to wonder if you were gay, you aren't gay, your sexual cues changed, mainly when you started watching gay porn. Think about, when has a gay person wondered if they are gay? never, because they know they are gay, if you had a genuine attraction to girls, it never went away, you just found something more exhilarating, especially sexually. Don't be scared.
     
  6. Paradoxiolitic

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    Thanks for the responses, everyone! It really means much to know there are people listening.

    I do understand the part of just accepting who you are, I have seen that advice on other threads on EC. I do want that, but I think I'm feeling more than just the need to accept myself. I don't really know what I am, afterall.

    I think I may have used poor wording initially... I didn't really "stumble across" gay porn. I conciously and actively clicked on the gay channel of the website I was on. I guess I was curious, but looking back, I was expecting something good out of it. And I really, really, REALLY enjoyed what I had just seen.

    But along with that came the stages I talked of earlier. I told myself it was just a phase, began to hate myself for it, asking why me, settled with being bisexual ( I had 0 interest in girls at that point), got pretty miserable after I realized I wasn't attracted to women as nearly as to men, but just accepted it. Eventually I began to actively enjoy feeling gay. It was a part of me and I liked it.

    And now, after all those years, after going through that, liking feeling gay, this turn of events occurs. Logically thinking, there is no sense in wanting this, life is much harder in some respects. But damn it, I don't want my attraction for guys to fade! I like liking guys. It's scaring me, not only because of this particular situation (sexuality), but because it shatters my perception of myself. How much do I really know about myself, if something like this which I so clearly had in myself suddenly derails?

    I would really like to accept myself for who I am, but how could I do this if I'm feeling like a stranger to myself?

    Also, I do think the "pressure to put a label" on myself holds some truth, but it's more than just that... Thanks again.

    - John

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2014 at 12:30 AM ----------

    Sorry, tried to edit the previous post but the time had expired already. Was going to ammend that the website I was on wasn't even porn oriented, but had loads of channels (one of them being a gay one). I guess I was really really curious. Also, I was 10/11, mixed things up a bit.

    This is being one of those rare days where everything seems so unreal...
     
  7. rich96

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    I understand, i know you didn't just stumble upon it, it goes a little something like "hmm, that's new, *clicks play, continues to watch, forms a bulge in pants/pajamas/shorts/whatever*" trust me i know, i was around 13 when i came upon gay porn and TS porn out of nowhere after being an avid straight porn watcher since i was maybe 9, left it after a short while and it came up again earlier this month (didn't like like it though, I'm a porn addict actually). See what happens is, your brain begins to need more sexual stimuli so you can get off, anything sexual/taboo and just plain different would spark an interest, long as it's sexual.
    And the thing is, kids barely have opinions of their own, and are generally very curious about everything unless we are actually spoken to about things. The gay porn didn't offend you, or me because we had no reason not to be offended by it. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it, it was something different, nothing remarkable. That's why I just truly realized why it's illegal to watch porn if under 18 here in the U.S., because they don't know anything and it can really influence them in ways they don't need to be, exposing them to things they don't need to see.

    I understand that, you took it and ran with it, you were young, that's understandable. I've never had 0 interest in girls, the problem that rose for me was my sudden arousal to seeing the male genital while watching porn, and the sudden decrease in my arousal when looking at certain women, which led me to see how i liked gay porn for the first time again and to see if i was gay. However, it was a damn wreck trying to be interested in it at heart, i knew that's not who i am, and saw how stupid i really was to honestly think that. There's my own story to all of that on this forum somewhere, if you ever are interested in reading it.

    Wanna know who you are? a guy, that likes guys and girls, and happens to be more interested in the females right now. Okay, i like baseball right, i also like hockey, sometimes i might just want to watch hockey, or the baseball season might be more interesting so I'll be tuned into baseball a little more than hockey. Say i went on a hiatus for baseball some years back, and now this year I'm getting back into it again. I might put hockey off to the side yeah, but it's not like i just said eff hockey, i still love hockey, I'm just into this years baseball season more.

    Don't fret man, don't fret.
     
    #7 rich96, Jun 24, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2014
  8. Wuggums47

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    For most people I know, their sexuality is set in stone, but for others, including you, it might be a bit more fluid than that. If you want you can still identify as gay, maybe you're bisexual, I don't know. There's also queer, which just means non heterosexual. I suppose it depends on what you want to call yourself.
     
  9. ResidentTheatreKid

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    Now, I'm only 14 and it feels weird giving advice to someone who might be older than me... But it sounds like you're either Bisexual or Pansexual.

    Maybe Bisexual with a preference for males?

    I hope you manage to come to a conclusion :slight_smile: xXx good luck!
     
  10. Paradoxiolitic

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    Any input is welcome! Don't feel restricted because of your age :slight_smile:.

    Rich, thanks for the response. I read your story, but honestly, it didn't really resonate with me :s. I mean, I have read studies on porn addiction and the conditioning effect it can cause, and I have sometimes felt better without some days of porn, so I sympathize. However, for me, it wasn't just the novelty factor, and I didn't develop a certain infatuation. I really liked it.

    What I mean is, as my interest in girls decreased, I began to actually like guys. Up until recently, I'd project myself onto those scenes. Whenever I saw a man I'd immediately consider his looks. My eyes were naturally drawn to other guys. It wasn't just raw sex, I fantasized of kissing a man, cuddling, just feeling him... I saw myself in a relationship with a guy and it made me happy.

    However, your last paragraph makes a lot of sense. Maybe I'm just more fluid with a strong inclination towards men, I guess I'll have to accept that, even if personally I'd rather not be fluid (sounds troubling to me...)

    Thanks, it really means a lot that you spent this time to talk to me like this.

    Update: yesterday I was feeling kind of asexual. I had begun to notice women's faces more, noting if she was pretty. However, body-wise, neither sex was really arousing me. However, today I felt my attraction towards guys is slowly coming back (the emotionsl feelings however...). I guess not fretting (thanks once more!) really did help. Maintaning a calmer attitude and looking into oneself is indeed of help.
     
    #10 Paradoxiolitic, Jun 26, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2014