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Bi-to-gay; aka haaallppp nothing makes sense...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wanderinggirl, Jun 24, 2014.

  1. wanderinggirl

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    Has anyone gone from identifying as bi to identifying as gay? Why/how?

    Asking for a very confused friend. You know, I'm worried about her. She's all like "boys and girls both!" and then she's all "girls only!" and then she makes out with a guy but doesnt like him *that* way but still enjoys it but then is like "omg boobs!!" She wants to know how it feels to transition from bi to gay. :icon_redf (me. i'm talking about me.)



    (On a serious sidenote, I'm asking because I still have the attraction to guys in some sense but I can't imagine dating one now and so many things have gone right since I started dating girls but I still fall back on old habits sometimes, if that makes sense. So I'm just wondering what others' experiences are with this kind of transition?)

    (Also sidenote, even if I ever feel mostly gay I will still ID as bi because there's still some possibility there with dudes, even if it's just for casualtimes not for relationships, so to hell with biphobia making me choose!)
     
  2. Fallingdown7

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    That happened to me once too. I identified as bi from 14 to 19 years old and gay as 19 and older.

    For me, I think I just realized I was gay because I hate the mechanics of heterosexual relationships and I only liked men who look effeminate.

    You could be bi with a very strong female preference though.
     
  3. fortheloveoflez

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    First of all, I'm totally against biphobia. Second of all, I think you may (like many other people) confuse liking positive attention and emotional connection than actual physical intimacy.

    Do you picture yourself having sex with men? I think that tells a bit more. but who am I to judge?
     
  4. wanderinggirl

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    It has occurred to me many times that I like positive attention and emotional connection more than actual relationships with men; especially in times when I'm lacking physical affection in my life I enjoy a certain level of platonic physical connection. It makes for feelings similar to love but really I'm just having this one need fulfilled and when cuddling etc. is over I don't feel feelings for the guy anymore.

    You're right, the answer to that question is a telling thing. I do sometimes picture myself having sex with men, but with women I can picture it much more vividly I guess, less vanilla, more variety. But I won't lie I've thought about it with a guy, but part of it is habit. I guess that'll take time to become clear.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2014 at 11:26 PM ----------

    I do seem to only go for effeminate guys. Hrm. Also the mechanics of heterosexual relationships are gross. I hate when someone carries all his girlfriend's stuff and does everything for her. Be courteous yes, but c'mon. Also, don't expect any different treatment from me; maybe if I found a guy who let me buy him flowers, I'd consider it. So yea I guess I relate to what you're saying; though I guess it feels like bi with a strong female preference until further notice.

    Do you ever consider guys outside of a relationship context? Or has that door firmly closed?
     
  5. Tardis221B

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    I completely understand, and I'm sort of on the same page as you. I id as bi with a preference for women, despite the fact that I could say lesbian and it would be ok. I'm choosing to stick with this label for a few reasons.

    For one, I too experience occasional attraction to men, which even though I don't particularity like it, and it confuses me, I do experience it and I want my label to reflect that. Secondly, I love the ambiguity it provides, i'm a sucker for what ifs, and even if its not the best thing to keep thinking, for now I find it a bit of a comfort. Lastly, I also use this label selfishly as a way to validate the "crushes" I had on guys in the past. Sure a very select few (1 or 2) I could actually see myself dating. But for the most part I had been convincing myself that my intense platonic attraction (a.k.a. a squish) was actually a crush.

    For example, my now best guy friend who I met in September 2013, I thought I had a crush on him until May. I really liked him, but if we were ever in a "coupley" situation I would try to push him away and get really mad at him about insignificant things. One time when he stat on my lap and shared a small chair with me for half an hour (its long story . . . haha). I thought this is sort of nice, his leg feels nice next to mine, but I pushed him away when he got any closer. And I think the big red flag was that half of the time I was thinking about getting to tell my best friend the next day. Thinking about telling her made me so happy as I knew she would find the story amusing, get really excited, it would make her happy, and she's so cute when she's excited and happy.

    I think I ended up going on a bit of a tangent, but I hope this helps. I think a big part of understanding your own attraction is getting over both what society expects of us, and the stereotypes around the community. Once you let go of this perhaps its easier to understand what you want, instead of trying to live up to standards that you think you are supposed to fit into. At least thats how I feel, and those are the two big hurdles that I'm currently trying to get over. Hope this was of some help :slight_smile:
     
  6. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I still think men can be somewhat physically attractive and I can have a bit of a "girl crush" on some, but that's it. I have no sexual nor romantic interest.

    The sexual mechanics of straight relationships turn me off too; especially speaking as an exclusive top. With women, I don't have any pressure to 'bottom' and they back off when they realize I don't like it. If straight men were exclusive 100% bottoms, I might not have lost interest, but who knows. It could have just turned out I was gay all along and my feelings just confirmed that.
     
  7. paris

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    It happened to me to some extent, I think, but I was never boy crazy and haven't experienced, even occassional, attraction to men for years.
    When I realized I'm attracted to women I was in a relationship with my bf of 13 yrs so I automatically thought I had to be bi. Moreover, I think that many people tend to think they're bi first because it feels less scary than to think they are gay. It's like when you're a girl you could still be with a guy if you want to and fulfill what the society/family expect. Over the time I realized I'm gay though.
     
  8. mangotree

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    For some reason people think that if they come out (to themselves and/or others) as GAY, then they can never be intimate with someone of the opposite sex again. The truth is, if you so desire - and if you can find someone to do it with - there's really nothing stopping you.

    Personally, I came out as bi to my parents and one friend. The process of telling people and all the questions that they asked me made me realise that I'm actually gay. Oddly they were questions that I'd never thought to ask myself on my own.

    Also, I've given this advice to a others before ... try to figure out what your NOT. Try the same formula you used to work out that you're NOT straight. e.g. Can I imagine having a 10 year relationship with a <insert gender>? Things like that...

    Peace be with you (*hug*)
     
  9. I think that it will take time to figure things out - especially as you experiment with different relationships. I have bounced around and consider myself to be a "fluid bisexual" because I have gay days, bi days and sometimes straight days. It confused me for a long time. I'm still sexually attracted to men but I have a pull emotionally to women. I just try to live my life and not think too much about it and obsess.
     
  10. wanderinggirl

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    I think that's wise advice. I've been trying that tack lately; I kissed/held hands/cuddled with a guy this weekend but as soon as I left I think he was still hung up and I was just content to leave things be. So I know I'm not into him, just like I was not into the last guy I hooked up with, just as I've been with nearly every guy I've dated except for one or two non-functional relationships that went on too long. So I know what I'm not into a little better now I guess.