Sorry, this is going to be only roughly coherent. That's about how I feel right now. Sex has created quite a lot of anxiety for me for years, I felt pretty normal (well, modal, cis-hetero, you know) as a teenager, but after I went to university I started having identity issues and, well, quite a lot of things in my life have been going wrong since. I'm lucky enough to have a family who only want to be accepting and help, and have finally found a good job though. Since then sex has been a cause of fairly permanent anxiety, I've gotten the rest of my life more or less together again, but always there's the threat of having to deal with the sex drive at some point. All of the above might be more or less irrelevant to the question, but it feels like the heaviest thing in my mind when I start to think about this. So there's something about women, I don't know if it's just the strongly engrained idea that I should find them attractive or something legitimate (since I did spend the first few years after puberty not questioning anything really). However I find myself resentful and starting to do something like hate myself every time I fantasize about them or think about getting into a relationship. On the other hand, there's something off-putting about guys, but I find them sexually attractive and, well, find myself actually wanting to date when I think about it that way. Also sleep, trying to settle on accepting that seems to help with my long term insomnia. Sleep is nice. But the last part (about guys), that's fairly new, only seems to have cropped up after the self esteem boost from realising I'm probably not going to be fired and will probably be reasonably good at my job by the end of the year. But I can't tell if this is real, or I've just snapped because the prospect of getting a date with a woman feels so far away even in my mid-twenties. But on the other hand, that could be because I don't actually want to date women (I certainly don't feel excited by the prospect), but that could be because of the not particularly good (read: unhealthy) examples set by the males in my family. TL;DR: Finding myself after an apalling five years, now in mid twenties and never had a relationship. Can't tell if never had a date because I don't want to date women, or finally snapped because I've never had a date.
