I've been toying with the label of ace for a while now. In some ways it seems appropriate, but in others, I'm just not sure. I have an average libido. I don't dislike sex. I prefer sex with men, and have minimal to no interest in girls. But I don't think I experience sexual attraction. I've acknowledged people as attractive, but for me it's always more of an aesthetic sensation, like I want to draw them or observe the way the light hits them or something, it's never a case where I see someone and think, "yes, you are ideal for making the sex on". I've never actively sought out any of the relationships I've been in, or pursued any other potential sexual or romantic interests. Mostly because I've never had any sexual or romantic interests. The relationships I have been involved in have all just sort of happened to me. I have a history of partners thinking I was a bit cold, and accusing me of not loving them, and picking on me for my inability to be appropriately "sexy". I know that there's something called "gray asexual" that might fit me well enough. And something like "aromantic homo gray-asexual", while descriptive to a pretentious degree, is probably the most accurate way to describe my sexual orientation based upon my previous and current feelings, thoughts, and experiences. All of this is the conclusion, not the question. I have this habit of omission when it comes to talking about my orientation. I'll leave it at "I'm into guys" or "I'm gay", even though that only feels like a half truth. Is this wrong of me? When I try to explain that I don't understand sexual attraction, people get condescending, or cite my past relationships as evidence to the contrary. Or they'll decide that since I occasionally want to do the do with a person of the male persuasion, I can't be asexual. Maybe they're right. I don't know. When I try to explain my perspective to partners, they always get condescending. To them it's a joke - if I'm with them, then clearly I'm experiencing something! Something more than a bit of loneliness and a desire for a reliable person to co-op video games with. And when it's clear that that's really all there is to it for me, then they get upset, and I'm in the wrong - I'm cold to them, I led them on, I'm not meeting their relationship expectations and needs. Am I in the wrong? I try to be clear about my feelings from the start, but I feel like no one takes them seriously until they decide it's inconveniencing them or something. Lastly, does anyone else feel like this? Am I conflating my aromanticism with my aesthetic attraction in a way that obscures my sexual attraction? Am I full of shit?
The definition of asexual is "not experiencing sexual attraction." So you sound ace to me. Most asexual people actually have functioning libidos. Everything's functioning, usually all we're missing is the actual attraction to other people. Asexual people are also perfectly capable of enjoying sex, they just don't seek it out. Hope that answers your question(s)
You sound almost like a dear friend of mine. Maybe 'demisexual' could be a suitable definition? Do you experience more or less sexual attraction as you get closer to a guy?
Offering a contrary opinion: What you're describing can also be a function of difficulty with vulnerability. and an over-reliance on numbing oneself. To be able to feel real connection, we have to be open to feeling emotions and feelings. In my limited experience, many (but certainly not all) of the people who describe symptoms that could fit one of the asexual-family labels aren't actually asexual at all, but instead have ended up with limited emotional expression and awareness of feelings, which is essentially a byproduct of the numbing behaviors that come from lack of vulnerability. So before labeling yourself with one of those labels and living a life that way... it might be worth exploring that possibility. Not just because of what it could mean in terms of your sexual experiences, but in it can affect everything in your life. Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, passion, love, creativity, and almost everything else worth experiencing in life.
What I do (or don't) experience doesn't seem to change much, honestly. If we get closer, if he seems to be interested in me like that, yeah, sometimes I'll be more up for it more frequently, but I wouldn't say I become more attracted. I feel more when I'm soldering wires or writing code or doing other things that interest me than when I'm being "passionate", even with someone I've been with for a while (and my shortest relationship lasted several months). I won't deny that a level of closeness is typically a factor in sex relationships for me. Partly because I'm trans and not having some level of closeness seems stupidly dangerous to me, partly because I don't really actively seek these things out, and in the cases where I have developed sexual relationships, it was typically because we'd been close for some time and they developed feelings for me. ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2014 at 11:31 PM ---------- I do have some difficulty with vulnerability. I tend to like to feel in control of myself at all times. Which is, I think, a big factor in why I've avoided considering the ace label for so long. Few things involve the level of vulnerability that sex does, and if the perception that I might be ace isn't stemming from me being ace but from my discomfort when vulnerable...what I'm saying I guess is that I'm not a fan of labels, but I am a fan of taking things apart, so I'd rather try and look at the possible roots of my perception first so I can make an informed choice as to whether or not the label fits. I also have a degree of difficulty with emotional expression, and it's something I'm considering meeting with a psychologist about because it's been strenuous on some of my relationships. I'm acutely aware of my feelings, but it's handling and expressing them that seems to give me trouble. I wouldn't say I try to numb my feelings, whith the exception of painful ones - I have a history of going to great lengths to numb painful feelings.
So in this case, pretty much everything you're describing can be attributed to the numbing, control, and avoidance of sex and that's far more likely the root of your issue than being asexual or anything else on that spectrum. The issue with numbing is... we cannot selectively numb emotions; the evidence on this is really solid from numerous sources. So if you are numbing painful or unpleasant feelings, you are unwittingly also numbing joy, happiness, sexual attraction, and other things. We all numb at some points in our lives, and numbing is (for selective numbing, anyway) a fairly normal response to certain types of discomfort. But what you are describing doesn't sound that way. Seeing a therapist is an excellent idea. Find one who is familiar with shame resilience work (the work of Brené Brown), as this is key to working through the numbing patterns and learning to be more open and vulnerable. Once you learn to do that, I think you'll be really surprised at how much better you'll feel, and how your openness toward relationships and sex will also change.
I've been feeling like an ace lately too. Everyone else is experiencing attraction to eachother and I've had people chatting at me but I don't feel interested. I can get aroused butbnot by people lately. I think I just maybe going through a time in my life where I just don't want sex. But at the same time I do. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2014 at 07:50 AM ---------- I really do agree with this post!
See, that's the thing though. I wouldn't say I'm avoidant of sex. I'm not sex repulsed. I would even say that I like it - just evidently not as much as most people, I can usually think of better things to do. And I've never met someone I felt sexually attracted to. I've never seen photos of anyone I felt sexually attracted to. I've also known people with far worse issues with vulnerablility and control that seem so much more sure of their orientation - as straight, gay, or bi individuals. That said, I guess I should talk to a professional about the issues I do have, and see if anything's clearer. ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2014 at 12:36 AM ---------- See, that's the thing. I've never felt interested or attracted. It's got nothing to do with whether or not I feel aroused, but I've never found the point in pursuing anybody, because I've never found anybody worth pursuing. Not because I'm "shy" or even "shallow", which I definitely don't consider myself - just because I haven't ever met anybody I've found worth pursuing.
I can say with a pretty high degree of confidence that, given what you've said, it's most likely that your issues relate to difficulties with numbing and vulnerability are interfering with your experience of, and understanding of, attraction. I think spending some time with a therapist would do you a world of good.
There is a possibility for that to be the case. But I didn't have issues with vulnerability when I first started wondering if I might be ace. It's not a recent thought of mine, not something I've thought about for months or a few years even; it's something I've thought was possible for almost a decade now. That stated, I still think it would be worth bringing up with a therapist - because I do have a degree of trouble with emotional understanding when it comes to this sort of thing, and if they could help me find a little clarity it would be good I'm sure. And my orientation isn't my biggest concern. At the end of the day, I work how I work, whether words exist to describe it well or not. I'm more concerned with dealing with other people. If I can't manage to be attracted to anyone, is it wrong of me to even try in relationships in the first place? I might not approach people, but I have tried in relationships, I give all I can give. I just need a lot less attention and affection than other people seem to, and I get bored quickly. If my effort isn't enough, should I try at all? It isn't that I feel like I don't deserve a relationship or anything like that, but I can't shake the feeling that that would be unfair to them because I've noticed that I enter into relationships without much excitement. Is it selfish of me to enter into relationships with the awareness that I don't seem to be able to give the level of care that I typically get, or selfish of them to demand more than I have to offer? Is celibacy my only option?
Um, you seem to have completely ignored my comment about the potential underlying issue. If you want to assume you're ace, then go with all that comes with that label and the incredibly tiny portion of the population that actually fits into that category, which likely includes all the relationship and other issues you describe. But why you want to simply make that assumption, and all the drastic things that come with it, instead of spending time with a therapist and exploring what's actually going on, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Looking at it one way, it's a common, short-term issue that can be solved. Looking at it the other way, it's a rare and exceptional condition/orientation that is how you were born. If it were me, I'd want to explore the former before assuming the latter, but of course it's your choice.
No no no, I'm not assuming anything. I'm not a fan of labels really, and I definitely don't want to assume any one thing to be set in stone when different causes could express themselves in the same way. I don't mean to imply that I definitely, without a doubt, know myself to be ace because xyz, or that I intend to turn down any advice that might suggest otherwise. In fact, I've said several times over that addressing my feelings with a therapist could be good for me and lead to greater clarity on the matter. I was attempting to convey that I'm not now, nor do I have a history of being, particularly invested in relationships, and that those feelings are familiar and do not worry or bother me, because I'm just not all that interested and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that. And that what bothers me is that I worry that I'm being unfair to other people I make the choice to involve myself with because they always seem to want to be so much more involved than me, and they seem to become far more invested in things than me. I'm concerned because while I'm largely indifferent about being with someone, sometimes it's nice to have someone around that loves you, and because it's sometimes nice I've continued to take a chance and date people every now and again when I feel a bit lonely and someone expresses a level of interest - and that concerns me because really, who wants to feel like they're being unfair to someone else? It's that feeling that I'm being unfair that worries me, not how subtle my own feelings are, and that feeling is really persistent, and it makes me wonder if I'm in the wrong for trying to be with other people when they're clearly more invested than I am. I'm sorry if I've been unclear. Maybe a therapist is the only one I should be speaking with on this matter, and this goes well above and beyond what a support forum can provide me.
As someone who may well be Asexual myself, I've been reading this with great interest. My takeaway is this: Seek emotional health first and for its own sake. You can only truly understand your sexuality once you are emotionally healthy. However, there is no guarantee that even after successful therapy you'll know exactly what you are sexually. A therapist I talked to about this several years ago said not to expect any "magic answer" and the passing years have really proved him right. Don't worry about all the specifics of who to date and how to approach them. You can't reason that out. It will either come to you once you deal with your issues or it won't. You have to learn to be happy with things as they come and not try to go for any specific outcome.
I consider myself Ace. I have a normal libido and I think sex is a lot of fun, but I have never been turned on by the way somebody looks. I've been interested, I've seen someone and thought "Damn, they're pretty", but nothing's ever happened downstairs. I get turned on by other things. I get turned on thinking about acts of sex. When I try to focus on how people look during sex or masturbation, it actually turns me off, just the same as if I were thinking about baseball or taxes. In my mind, there is no connection between a "sexy" body and sexy feelings. That's why I consider myself asexual. There's another thing called "Nonlibidoist" that gets tied up in Asexuality a lot. That means never wanting to have sex. But they are crucially not the same thing. It sounds to me like you fit the requirements for Asexuality just fine.
I don't think there's anything wrong with dating anyone. For one thing, dating doesn't imply any sort of commitment or expectation about a relationship, it's two people spending time and exploring their interests in one another. Nothing unfair about that. More importantly, if you do choose to explore the lack of vulnerability in therapy, you may be surprised to discover that if you uncover what's going on with the vulnerability difficulties, your ability to more deeply and strongly feel attraction and love may well suddenly increase dramatically. There's no guarantee, of course... that may just be how you're wired. But it may not be. And in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with continuing to date and see how that works for you. Finally... my best advice is to not get wrapped up in all of the different labels that have appeared over the past 5 or 10 years, 99% of which ave absolutely no credible research or scientific basis behind them, and are essentially a "consensus reality" construction (meaning, a group of people got together, decided these things exist, and named and adopted them, with, in most cases, little or no credible study, research, validation, or anything else.) While some of them probably do exist, and all of the labels are adopted by people who find value in them, that doesn't mean that doing so for you is a good choice. The more you put your energy into really understanding and exploring yourself, the better off you'll be in really knowing what's going on.
Sometimes these labels help people better explore their feelings. So, the opposite can really be true sometimes. This might be the ideal case, but not everybody is the ideal case. What does it matter if a label is officially recognized if it helps somebody discover themselves? In the long run, I think that is better than being stuck questioning forever, and not taking any steps forward. That's just an opposing view though, and something that we've always clashed a bit on. As for the original question, I do think that this is something that you should explore more before adopting a label. It sounds like this could be more of an issue that you have regarding relationships than being asexual. As somebody that identified as asexual for a long time, sometimes being asexual can be related to other issues that you are facing. (Note that I say sometimes, not all the times, before I have people saying I'm contributing to asexual erasure.)
