I felt kind of ecstatic when I first began 'allowing' myself same-sex attraction. I felt like a whole new richer, deeper world of sexuality had opened up to me. I dived in with gusto into exploring my long-supressed interest in the male body. All of this alone, as I have not as yet been to a gay 'venue', I don't know any lgbt folks in real life as yet, and although I am trying to rectify this, I have not as yet been able to join a lgbt meetup group either (they want a real profile pic even just to sign up, and I have neither a webcam nor a digial camera). But a few days ago, and even now if I cast my mind's eye in that way, I saw, in my travels online, an image of a beautiful woman - and my initial reaction when I saw her vagina was that there was something missing. What the hell was that I felt? I have never felt that before. By fantasizing every day since late March about guys, have I actually started turning myself away from women? I always liked vaginas. How could I now see one and immediately feel as though 'something is missing?' Don't get me wrong, I'm not disheartened, only confused. What if I am either turning gay, or what if I am actually gay? I know I feel 'fluid' about my sexuality at present. I can talk with a girl out in the world and feel attracted to her right away, or to an effeminate guy (in my reckoning) and get turned on also. So I think, I must be bi. But...I never liked full breasts, in fact, one of the things I like about guys is that they have NO breasts at all. What I do like, are feminine features, but I really don't mind if they are in a guy, or a girl. But this incident has shaken me, not in a gut-wrenching way, just in a confusing way. Basically: have I 'done' this to myself by looking at male images over the last few months? Maybe I ought to look at some female images again, and see if my old feelings of lust for vaginas returns. But right now, I feel more interested in...well you know, the goods that a guy has. Finally, I am truly confused...ok, but confused. Damien
I don't think that it's possible to "turn yourself gay". Some people, by the way, do have very fluid sexualities. You could be gay or bi, but only you can figure that out. I suggest imagining yourself in different situations with a man and then a woman, to see what feels right. Also, give it time. Many people take years to figure this out. Good luck!
