Hi folks, I’m really confused about my sexuality and needs some help to understand what might be going on So, for context, I’ve always been a late developer (first experience of orgasm at 16) and now I’m 19, I’m confused about myself. Still not had any sexual encounters and quite scared of having any (with either gender) because of the strangeness of my arousal. I get aroused by (i.e. get an erection due to): → thought of someone else’s penis, but not of actual intercourse with a male → thought of being bullied/roughhousing with either gender (wrestling etc.) → Nipples (male and female) But, if I’m bored, I think about breasts and about hot women I know, without getting an erection :/ I’m just really confused. Any help / opinions would be hugely appreciated cheers
The best advice I was given when I was questioning was to note where my eyes are naturally drawn to when walking down a street, guys, girls, both? That can be a good indicator for some. Welcome to EC by the way
I would second Tbob's advice: who are you drawn to when walking down a street? Sometimes our fantasies can be misleading, so don't rely on them too much.
Thanks for the wonderful advice and for the welcome I have found it varies (depending on personal circumstances and the time – like during exam session) but is usually both men and women. This made me think I was bisexual, but I never get aroused by seeing a women or man in the street (only *very* rarely - like one out of a couple of thousand - will I find someone, usually male, arousing) ∴ I looked into it and thought I might be asexual Further adding to my confusion is that people I know that I find attractive are: During high school – female friend, but no one else During uni – male and female friend, but no one else This made me think I was demisexual (because I was attracted to people I knew well). This all has me really confused and scared (because I ever find myself in a sexual encounter, I don’t think I would be able to get aroused). Sorry for the convoluted nature of this situation, but I desperately needed support. Thanks for the help so far
It's possible you're demisexual. I know some on here think that these categories are over-used where the situation is in actuality much simpler. I'm sure some demisexuals on here can chip in. It sounds like you lean gay to me, factoring in the heteronormative environment bias (just invented that I know it sounds dumb!) but of course, it is for you to make the determinative conclusion. I came to that just because you said when you do become attracted 'on the street' it is to guys. Sometimes, when we haven't processed our sexuality properly, these feelings of attraction seem rarer or less constant than they actually are; at least, that was my experience. I was in denial though, and you have a much healthier questioning attitude than I did. So in a way (I sense that) you've already taken the biggest step by being relatively open to whatever you find...
Before I even allowed myself to consider the possibility I wasn't straight, I was never aroused by seeing anyone in public. My eyes were drawn towards guys, but I would tell myself that I was looking at them because I was jealous of their looks. I also thought I may be asexual, but after I started questioning things changed rapidly! From reading people's stories on this site it seems many people had a period in their life where they thought they were asexual until they figured everything out. From what you have told us its difficult to pin a label on what you are, if a label is what you want. Do you watch porn? If so where are your eyes drawn to? Porn can give clues as to your sexuality, especially when you combine it with other "evidence". No need to apologise, keep firing questions and I'm sure people will try and help.
I’ve tried to summarise what’s been asked and what I’ve found out about myself in this spoiler (or as a tl;dr): Spoiler past sexual feelings → no sexual contact (male or female) → used to be interested in breasts (without arousal) when about 12 → got curious about penises from about 13-18 (mostly from a ‘is mine normal’ perspective). this was/is only arousing if I could ‘identify’ with the penis being similar to my own → 19 back to age 12: curiosity and interest, but not arousal from breasts, touching and kissing women porn Really hard to be aroused by porn (pun not intended) Rough-housing (male-male, male-female, female-female) I find arousing but: → anal intercourse (with men or women) - not even slightest arousing, in fact it’s somewhat of a turn off (Somatic, psychological or social, I don’t know) → oral intercourse (men or women) – May be able to get aroused, but struggle to reach a climax → vaginal intercourse – same as anal, except not a turn off → breasts being touched – slight ‘spark’ inside if aroused, but not enough to get aroused → penis being touched/felt – so long as I can imagine it being mine, slight ‘spark’ sexual dreams Rarely of ‘generic’ humans. Usually of my best friend at the time (female from 12-16, male from 17-now) but never in involving intercourse. Either them shirtless (male) or touching/kissing them (female) is enough to end the dream. looking at passers-by Arousal varies depending on time and other factors (like stress). Rare in it’s own right (like 3-4 in every couple of thousand) →I’ll look at boobs and have sexual thoughts, without arousal → I’ll think of kissing/touching girls, without arousal → I’ll look at guys and be curious about their penis (like it’s size), but never want to kiss/touch them Hope this is helpful both to myself (so I can get my thoughts clear) and to other’s as a concise-ish summary Responses to posts That would be incredibly useful: I only learned about demi-sexuality recently, so, I’m not really certain. That doesn’t make you sound dumb at all I suspect it may be an influencing factor, but if feel it’s not in a I-want-to-have-intercourse way but more in of an I’m-curious-to-see-what-you-have way (but that’s based on speculation, especially as I’ve never had a sexual encounter). Thanks for your help I’m trying to keep myself open to whatever I end up defining myself as (if I ever find a definition) Thanks for your help This was strange once I thought about it, so I’ll try and explain it: I don’t find porn arousing, it seems too abstract. But, if I wait for a week or so, I can struggle and use porn to just about get aroused (this is *really* difficult and feels like the arousal could stop at any time). In terms of what my eyes are drawn to: → anal intercourse (with men or women) - I find to not be in the slightest arousing, in fact it’s somewhat of a turn off (Somatic, psychological or social, I don’t know. This also made me think I was not homosexual) → oral intercourse (men or women) – May be able to get aroused, but struggle to reach a climax → vaginal intercourse – same as anal, slight ‘spark’ inside when breasts get touched, except not a turn off In terms of what will get me aroused and what I watch: roughhousing. By extension, I’ve thought more about who my sexual dreams have in them (see my summary) Thanks for the awesome question A mistake/clarification I realise I worded my first post badly and I missed out some key information. When I was younger (like 13) I would find breasts interesting (but would not get an erection). Later on (14-18) I began to get curious if my penis was normal and, from that, I would imagine what was happening to a ‘porn’ penis happening to mine (this was/is only arousing if I could ‘identify’ with the penis being similar to my own). This recently became less significant and now I’m back into the finding breasts interesting, but not arousing stage (imagine the typical portrayal of a young teenager seeing breasts for the first time: curiosity and interest, but not arousal). Where I am now (this has been a wonderful journey, and will hopefully continue to be) I think I'm somewhat sure/somewhat unsure of the following: → wrt homosexual relationships, I don’t find intercourse or touching/kissing another man arousing (if anything it’s a bit of a turn off →wrt both homosexual and heterosexual relationships, intercourse of any form is not *easily* arousing to me → wrt heterosexual relationships, I find breasts and kissing and physical contact interesting but not arousing. Vaginas I have no interest in. This leaves me feeling that I’m like a 12 year old boy with an interest in breasts but an inability to get aroused by them. It is also partially difficult because this is mostly speculation (for example: I don’t *know* that touching breasts won’t get me aroused, I’m scared it won’t). Thanks to everyone so far (both people who have replied and those that have shown a passing interest) you have really helped a confused teenager out :eusa_clap Any comments/opinions/thought will be incredibly useful
It's possible that you're bisexual of course. Perhaps actually having sexual experiences will help. I also identify as sort of a late developer as I only realised I was gay when I was 22, and that was through realising that attraction to hot guys was not just a weird passing tic/admiration, something that all straight guys felt, but was in fact gay desire. With you, I still suspect it's a little more straight forward than your summary indicates. Curiosity without desire is quite normal - I had some 'desire' for breasts when I was like 17, but it wasn't a visceral feeling - but may be misleading when trying to determine orientation.
