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Am I overthinking?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sam the man, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. sam the man

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    After letting the question lie for a few months, recently I’ve been back to thinking about my orientation and what all the things in my head mean. I told myself I’d stay away from this stuff and let it sort itself out, but I guess I’ve come full circle on that for now. This is really half-vent half-question (but probably all over the place).

    FYI: might get fairly graphic

    So these days a lot if not most of my fantasies involve me giving oral sex (or receiving anal sex) with a guy. The thing with most of these fantasies is they strike me as a bit, err… penis-centric. I mainly seem to focus on that, and the gratification of another guy rather than much of anything else. I mean, usually there is an imaginary guy attached to the penis, so it’s not *just* the penis itself, but the main focus of it all is typically me gratifying another guy, usually in a submissive role. If it’s relevant, often the “characters” I imagine are based off porn/images I’ve seen instead of real life- by no means all, but many.

    Still, it strikes me as odd. I have a creeping suspicion that these thoughts are based mostly off of a mild phallophilia and/or slight submission fetish above all else. The reasons are that the fantasies themselves aren’t exactly what you’d call intimate, or romantic. I don’t seem to feel anything romantic or such like for irl guys. The closest I’ve come to that is a guy in class I admire and might have something between a bromance and a proto-crush for, but that’s pretty much it. The feelings are pretty wishy-washy. I can’t say I have any celebrity crushes or anything of the sort for guys in general. So, most of the guys in my fantasies are entirely imaginary. Also, this whole thing is relatively new. Historically, my fantasies were almost all (~97%) about women. It’s only around 18 months ago guys even entered the picture. Then there’s the aforementioned subject matter of the fantasies. Essentially it makes me think it’s something other than the guys themselves that’s turning me on. :shrug:

    Idek, this’ll probably sound quite stupid when I read it through again, but yeah. It’s just got me wondering where the line between curiosity/fascination/fetish and legitimate attraction/sexuality is. I have a feeling my thoughts are mainly driven by some kind of curiosity or fetish instead of a bona fide sexual attraction to guys. I know only I can work this out and you can’t know everything that crosses my mind, but… opinions?
     
  2. mangotree

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    Half the time, fantasies are better than the real thing.
    The other half, the real thing is as good or better.
    Which feeling is stronger?
    The urge to find out if it's as good or better?
    or the fear that it won't meet your expectations?
     
  3. Black Raven

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    The almighty cock works in mysterious ways... :grin:

    Joking aside, I believe it's rather normal to process subconscious thoughts in dreams.

    Of course overthinking dreams can become a rather unhealthy habit, but they often hint at subtle things you might not have noticed when conscious.

    My personal take on your story?

    I think you may have some subconscious urges to experiment, and they want to be let out.
    Your brain obviously thinks about intercourse with other men, and yes, it can be purely sexual curiosity and attraction. I'm not telling you to grab the next fine lad you meet and shag him, but I'd personally at least try to find out more about the merit these dreams have.

    And hey, phallophilia and a slight submision fetish are absolutely fine.
    Cocks are fascinating, and they give absolute control over the person it's attached to, might not be so submissive after all. I am a complete anglophile, and that has done me nothing but good. Having a philia of some kind doesn't need to be bad.

    Don't have to go out to experiment if you don't want to. You can find out if you're not put off by it or to what extent you're into it at home just fine, for starters. It can be quite the enjoyable journey. :icon_wink

    Oh, and on a sidenote, if you do go out experimenting, play it safe. Please.
     
    #3 Black Raven, Jul 3, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2014
  4. sam the man

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    @Black Raven, they're fantasies rather than dreams (if that's what you meant by dreams?), so there's something of a conscious element to them. I never really had dreams of that nature, only platonic dreams really. But, maybe you're right that they're the visible part of an attraction of whatever kind. Although the kind of attraction to guys that's presented itself so far appears to me very unbalanced and unrealistic, perhaps too flimsy to be anything much more than fascination (or comparison?). Experimenting has crossed my mind, but fleetingly; I haven't seriously entertained the idea yet. Not sure it would be for me, and I want to avoid leaving someone else disappointed/led on/exploited (though I'd be honest about the situation with them). But, like you say, there is the stay at home option :icon_wink

    @mangotree I never really considered it this way. I think with a lot of my fantasies, I wouldn't expect them to be met, or I wouldn't really think about doing them in real life at all. Although with a few, I suppose there are things I want to see what they would feel like in real life. On the whole, a little of the former, more of the latter I reckon.

    Gah, it's not even that I'm getting these fantasies. It's that I can't say any which way either what they mean or the type of attractions (if at all!) I'm feeling. Well... still at the drawing board, pencil in one hand and eraser in the other. Hmm. Well, sorry for bothering you guys if this thread seems like it hasn't gone anywhere :confused: I'm probably being way too analytical for my own good.
     
  5. mangotree

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    There's nothing wrong with being an analyser.
    Let your mind do what it will.

    If you try not to analyse, you'll just end up analysing why you're trying not to analyse.

    Just know -
    Some things have no reason for existing
    Some things have reasons that you don't/won't/can't/will never understand
    Some things have reasons that you wouldn't like

    Sometimes just letting things be as they are is the best thing you can do.

    Peace! (*hug*) and good luck.
     
  6. Black Raven

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    I'm curious, did your overthinking end up in you thinking of a proper answer yet? :grin:
     
  7. Greeley

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    You're a smart person since you look at pros & cons and all the other side possibilities and aspects of your personality rather than just cramming them down saying "no, im going to ignore it"

    Honestly, i think the only way in knowing what you want is by doing. Which is what happened to me. I was overthinking for a good 3 years and it killed it, it made me distant, miserable and just tired me for years, i was mentally exhausted from thinking on the "but what if i'm not but what if i am" and thinking of my life if i try something.

    In the end i just did it. I went in the deep end, found some guy that was interested in me and just decided to try the sexual experience. Although the experience was bad with him, i knew that i would like it if i was with someone that i am attracted to...

    It was INSTANT when i finally just said to myself "i am gay" its like everything just went peaceful and stopped and it felt so good. Then i told my friends and family and they were cool, found my boyfriend and now im just happy. Very happy infact....

    So basically, what i'm saying is, just maybe try living one of these fantasies. If you like it then great! You finally know! No more over thinking and no more endless mental ping-pong matches with your thoughts. If you don't like it then great! You finally know! And its kind of a funny story really haha. Be open minded about it! You're not gay if you try it, you're gay if you enjoy it and want it.
     
  8. sam the man

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    @Black Raven, sadly not :icon_bigg but it did make my mind run loads of metaphorical laps and end up at the same place on the track.

    @Greeley: yeah, maybe I'll have to try that at some point. Like you say, it's all too easy to play the ping pong match but a lot of the time you don't come away with any solid answers. I was thinking about easing up again on the fantasising and not letting any, er... internet resources influence my thinking beforehand, because that's part of the reason why I feel as though this attraction may be artificial. Also meeting more real people would help significantly :lol:. If I still have no clue after those two things, you're right I guess that experimenting is a good course of action.

    Thanks guys for the advice, it's been helpful!