I don't even know where to begin. Apologies in advance if this post is long and all over the place... I guess I'll start with some background. I'm female, and in my early 20s. I've been seriously questioning my sexuality for about a year now. I feel like I have no one in my life I can talk to about this which doesn't help. I'm glad I came across this forum…I'm hoping writing everything out might help me come to some conclusion. I grew up in a semi-religious household. I was never taught by my parents that homosexual people were "bad" or going to hell (although I was definitely exposed to people within our community who had these beliefs), but homosexuality was something that I was raised to see as abnormal. When I was younger I never considered the possibility that I could be anything but straight. I was never boy crazy like some of my friends, and I was a bit of a late bloomer. However, my first crushes were always on boys. It seems like a lot of the time when I'm reading about people coming out, people often say "I knew from the time I was 8,9,10 etc." Which makes me feel even more confused because I had no idea when I was that young. In high school I had one "serious" boyfriend who I dated for a little over a year. I ended up breaking up with him (for various reasons). I also had a couple of shorter flings with guys. At the time I really was attracted to them, but looking back on it now it's just so "meh." I believe that I started to realize I was attracted to women when I was 16. I remember watching a TV show and there was a scene with two women kissing and I just remember getting the feeling of butterflies and thinking "wow, that's something that I want to do" haha. However, I kept telling myself that I was straight and just wanted to experience being with a girl one time. I didn't think I could form an emotional/romantic bond to women. Part of why I am so confused is because like I said before, I used to be really attracted to men, all of my crushes were on boys…but it's like, once I accepted my attraction to women it's completely overpowered my attraction to men. For example, if someone were to ask me who my celebrity crushes were I could easily name 5 women but I would struggle to come up with a guy. I started watching more shows with lesbian and bisexual women, and it's made me realize how much I would love to have a relationship with a woman. I've realized that I am both sexually and emotionally/romantically attracted to women. My real struggle right now is with what I want for my future. I had always pictured myself marrying a man.. even getting married in the same church as my parents. Part of me still wants that, probably because it would just be easier to deal with. I am terrified to tell my parents, family, or even friends about any of this. I think it would come as a huge shock to them since I've only ever dated guys, I've talked about marrying a guy, I'm pretty feminine, etc. But in a perfect world where family and societal pressure wasn't a factor, I picture myself falling asleep and waking up next to a woman. But it isn't a perfect world and I feel like I need to suppress those feelings and cross my fingers that I end up meeting a guy who I really like. I constantly go back and forth. Some days I still try to convince myself I'm straight. Sometimes I think I'm bisexual and my preferences just fluctuate. And some days I'm just like "holy shit you are 100% gay stop trying to force yourself to be attracted to men" but I used to be attracted to men, so that isn't completely logical. I don't know. I feel completely lost and alone. I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a young teen and all of these feelings are just making everything worse. :icon_sad: If anyone has struggled with anything similar or has advice I would greatly, greatly appreciate it….
Often times, it's difficult for bisexuals to be both, because we want to fit in on one side or the other. And so do a lot of other people, both in straight and gay communities. There's a lot of pressure internally and externally to "pick a side." I've always wondered if I were lesbian, because even when I am attracted to a man, the features that attract me are very feminine. And when I imagine my future, part of me feels like I want to be with a woman. But the main point is this: I still am attracted to men, and I am still attracted to women. And ultimately, in the future, the sex and gender of the person makes no difference, so long as we love each other. Therefore, I identify as a bisexual. Once you feel comfortable being in between, or being a little bit of both, you'll be at peace with yourself.
Hi Karmy, I just want you to know you are not alone! I am in my mid 20s and going through the same thing. I could have written every word you posted! I always admired girls growing up, including friends etc...I thought they were pretty but I think any thoughts more than that were repressed. I can't pinpoint having a crush on any of them though. I always thought I was straight. Then last year at work I fell HARD for a lesbian co-worker. It was scary and exciting at the same time - all I wanted to do was hold her, touch her, kiss her, and get to know her better. I wanted to wake up next to her. We became good friends, but she was in a committed long-term relationship at the time and I had no plans of saying anything about my growing feelings..however a night of drinking changed that and I ended up telling her how much I wanted her. Turns out she was falling for me too! Long story short...she recently ended her other relationship (they had been having troubles for some time apparently) and is now with me. I'm afraid I don't have any real tips for you as I am feeling the same way you are...so hopefully just sharing some of my story is helpful. I never had any boyfriends or any sexual experience with men (just making out, and a few blowjobs that I did NOT enjoy but I know most straight women don't either haha) so I feel like maybe I'm bisexual as I think I'm still attracted to men...but I don't really know. I did have crushes on boys growing up. One thing I've realized is that since I met my girlfriend, my attraction to men has dwindled down to basically zero - not sure what this means, if anything. Please just know you are not alone and feel free to PM me if you'd like - I am new to the site also but I'd be happy to chat. This is all a little scary, all I really know at this point is that I am 100% head-over-heels for this woman and I am trying to just enjoy it and focus on her and our relationship, as opposed to finding a label. I am hoping as time goes on things will become clearer. I have been completely honest and open with her about my questioning status, and I think that has been very important for us and has strengthened our relationship. I hope you are able to find a woman to date and see how things go! I wish you all the best, including with any family issues, etc. My family has been shocked with my situation, however everyone is mostly supportive except for my dad. I'm hoping that will get better with time. It is my life, and I have to be true to myself no matter what. I have also struggled with anxiety and I agree these kinds of situations are difficult even without anxiety/depression issues. Hang in there and try to be patient with yourself. You deserve to be happy!
