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Finding it hard to accept

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by NaidNight99, Jul 3, 2014.

  1. NaidNight99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2014
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm finding it hard to accept that I may be in fact bisexual. Part of me thinks that I've known for years and just pushed it aside or tried not to think too much into it.
    When I was in middle school, I had a crush on a female teacher and when I realized it, I was horrified, told myself it is wrong and actively tried not to think of her. But I've also thought male teachers were attractive, just not in the same way. When I hit puberty, I was always staring at female classmates chests. One girl even commented to me, "are you gay?". I was so humiliated. But I've also had many crushes on male classmates.
    In high school, I was extremely close with my female best friend, apparently enough for fellow classmates to notice and start a rumor that we were lesbians.
    I had a difficult time with sexual attraction to boys throughout high school and college. I never dated in high school and in college I had a few boyfriends but they didn't "do it for me". They always seem way more attracted to me than I was to them. Part of me thinks I may have just wanted a boyfriend because I was lonely. In fact, due to the lack of sexual attraction to my male classmates, I thought for a while I might be asexual. But I never stopped noticing women. Maybe they were the wrong guys.
    Throughout college, I was very close to a few of my female friends, even getting a bit jealous if they spent more time with other women. I could easily have imagined myself in a relationship with them but again tried actively to repress it.
    As far as my fantasies, most of the time, I fantasize about women. I am very turned on by the thoughts of lesbian sex and I find the female body very erotic. Sometimes I do get off from hetero stuff. I also have loads of erotic lesbian dreams. Some of these dreams aren't necessarily about the sex. I have had a few where I was in a relationship with them and devastated when I couldn't be with them.
    Then my senior year of college, I met a man who for the first time actually turned me on immediately. When I first met him, I began having sexual fantasies about him which was a first for me. Through a difficult series of events including an overly long LDR, he eventually became my husband.
    I am thoroughly happy with him. Our sex life is good. I find his body very erotic and he's a great lover. However the thoughts about women are still there. I still check out pretty women in the street. I still have erotic lesbian dreams and sometimes when I am having trouble getting aroused in the bedroom, I fantasize about women to "help me along."

    I recently took one of those Kinsey scale basic tests and I scored a 3 which surprised me because I thought I'd score a 1 or 2.

    I have no idea what I am and I feel like I'm hiding something from my husband. It feels wrong but I also don't know how he'd react if I told him. He comes from a very conservative South Asian culture (i.e. homophobic) but he himself is more open-minded than his fellow country-men.

    So no idea what I am. It's confusing me but I can't keep repressing the thoughts forever. I admit it feels much better to embrace them rather than force them away. But I can't help but feel like I'm doing wrong to my husband.

    :icon_sad: