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I'm really sorry, I try as hard as I can...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MyLittleWorld, Jul 6, 2014.

  1. MyLittleWorld

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    I try really hard to accept myself and be who I'm but, it's totally killing me from inside. I can't say it to myself out loud. It must be easy to say "I'm gay and I like girls, it's ok" . And everytime I try to say it, my heart starts to beat really fast, everything becomes dark, I feel weak, I start to cry.

    I see hot guys on TV and I see how girls adore them.. I even somehow start to like them emotionally. I had so many platonic crushes on guys and it confuses me because, I was always attracted to girls sexually... no matter how handsome they are, I wouldn't want to wake up next to a guy. Everytime I try to say to myself it's platonic or just emotional I start to feel guilty, I feel like my heart is under the rock. I dated guys, I liked them but there was no spark. I want to be straight, but I can't imagine my future with a man. I keep checking girls out and I punish myself for it. I'm dating a guy right now and I'm trapped. My mom keeps asking me how everything is going and she somehow suspected I was gay. We never really talked about it... I don't trust her. I don't think I have somebody I can trust. They expect me to dress girly, have a boyfriend, get married someday... and I can't handle it.

    I'M VERY SORRY that you have to read my pointless posts. I just want to know what's wrong with me...? I feel like a monster. I feel like there is nothing left. I don't know what to do, and where to go... I just want to run away from this suffering. And I guess I'm the only one here, hating myself for so long...why can't I accept myself? everybody seems to get over it so fast... I feel like I'm in denial and hate and everything at the same damn time... and I'm sorry again that I'm a whiny lttle girl...
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    Why are you apologizing?

    So many people out there feel the same way as you. There's nothing to be sorry about, because you're just trying to figure yourself out. What's so wrong with that?

    You aren't whining, and you aren't a monster. You are you. You were always you and you will be you forever.

    Parents may expect it, but would they really care if you didn't? My mother expected me to grow up as a nice young woman with a nice husband and have some kids. and I'm neither a woman nor will I have kids. Getting a husband is unlikely.

    And you're not the only one. I promise. I was like you, but with my gender identity. It took me about seven or eight years to accept myself as a boy. During that time, I told myself I was lying. I tormented myself. It wasn't a good time.

    But it will get better. Take a look at the LGBT later in life section. Look at how many people who are much, much older than you just found out that they weren't straight.

    Will it take you that long? Who knows? But they did it, and so can you.

    Just let yourself be yourself.

    Last night, I, too, said something similar: "I'm transgender and I'm a boy, it's okay" and I just felt really embarrassed, vulnerable, and scared.

    But hey. You don't have to verify your identity by saying it out loud. It's what's inside that truly counts.
     
  3. MyLittleWorld

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    I apologize because I feel like I annoy people with my problems.

    You see, I try to let myself do that, let myself be myself, but something is stopping me. In the town I live in, there are no out gay people. People are homophobic and it's a taboo to talk about these things. But I don't want to blame others...

    I agree with your saying, that only what is inside truly counts. But if I can't admit it to myself, it means I haven't accepted myself? even if I'm alone at home, I can't say it. My voice starts to shake. And honestly, I have no idea how to accept this ...
     
  4. Nychthemeron

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    I have that problem too. Feeling like I bother people, I mean. But this is a support forum. We're here to listen to your problems and help you through them. You aren't annoying at all.

    And, hey. Blaming others is only bad when you're at fault. But you aren't at fault. They're at fault. Seriously. There are worse things in the world than a girl who likes other girls. A lot of things. And a girl who likes other girls isn't even bad.

    I think the reason why some of us can't really say it out loud is because saying it makes it seem more real.

    "I'm a boy who likes boys," someone says, and suddenly they're aware that they're gay, they're homosexual, there are people out there who will hate them for that.

    It's scary, frightening, stressful, and exhausting. And that's why some of us just don't do it, because it's essentially coming out to yourself. And coming out is almost never easy.

    However, I think you can still accept yourself before you come out to yourself.

    Don't think "I'm a girl who likes other girls, and I'm gay. That's okay."
    Think, "I like girls. So what?"

    Because I think gender is really a secondary thing here. You like who you like.
     
  5. wolf of fire

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    Don't apologise you are using this for what it was meant to be used for. You should not punish yourself for feeling how you feel it is natural, for me I accepted myself after looking through some LGBT positive websites the same thing may help you.
     
  6. Chiroptera

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    It isn't easy the first time, but you will get used to it. You can do it! (*hug*)

    Don't pressure yourself too much. If you want to try saying it, do it slowly, and if you feel pressure building up, relax, take a deep breath, try again, take your time. There is no need to rush it.
    There is no need to be sorry, and they aren't pointless. It may help to get all of this out, and its even better if we succeed in helping you :slight_smile:

    That's not true. There are people who get over it fast, and there are people that take a very, very long time. Don't rush it, take your time :wink:

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  7. ellyy

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    I, too, want to tell you that you shouldn't apologize even though I can also definitely understand the fear of being a bother to other people. So don't worry about that and it's great that you decided to post this anyway. :slight_smile:

    I've had issues with accepting myself (not specifically my sexuality since I'm not even sure what it is) and when you're feeling really really bad about yourself it's absolutely horrible. But even if I've hated myself so extremely much I've always managed to get up and realize that I'm not seeing things clearly and that there really is nothing wrong with me. You will probably have downfalls every now and then since acceptance takes time and it doesn't always follow a straight line but there will come a point when you realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you even if you happen to like the same sex. Please, trust me on this. And there are plenty of other people out there who are feeling like you and many others who have gotten out of it and are now accepting of themselves and their sexuality. It takes time for many people but you will get there.
    Also, if it's too difficult for you to focus on your sexuality right now, don't. Eventually, as I've said now a couple of times, you'll feel more comfortable with it.
    So, there really is no quick fix but I believe time (and positive thinking :icon_wink) is what you need.
    Remember that no matter how bad you feel things can always get better and that ultimately it doesn't matter if other people accept you or not, what matter is that you do.

    The others have pretty much already covered the most important things but I wanted to join in on the conversation to show that I also care and that things do get better.

    And you're not a monster. Please don't ever think that.
     
    #7 ellyy, Jul 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2014
  8. Notsoshure

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    Gosh, you made me cry hehe
    I just dont feel alone i guess?
    I always tell myself i'm so ok with being who i am no matter what gender i prefer.
    I joke about me being gay to My friends, but i do have some struggle accepting myself.
    I am also confused, i never had a girl crush only a few ones on boys. Even so i cannot for The heck of it imagine myself with a guy, it just makes me feel sick. I call myself bisexual, because it is easier for me to accept that. I think i am so ok with liking girls, but deep down i wish to be "normal" (not trying to offend anyone, just What i say in My thoughts)i want to marry a man because it would be easier like that. I feel ashamed of myself when i look at girls, and when i dont really join other girls talking about hot boys because i dont feel right about it.

    Dont apologize. Many are having some struggle accepting themselves, you are not The only one. It is nothing wrong or bad about that at all. Dont be sorry, i am happy to read this. I know i am not alone, that i'm not the only one who feels this way. I cant answer why you dont accept yourself, someone Else may have tips for that, but i thank you for making this post just so i Can see i'm not as weird as i think i am.
     
  9. MyLittleWorld

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    I don't know how some people can accept themselves so fast... I agree with you that you like who you like.

    But my biggest problem is, I don't know how to call this feeling, I feel not good enough when I try to accept that I like girls... I was growing up in a family where my mom always kept telling me that women are weaker and a woman need a man to help them. Some man that they can "lean" on. I always said I don't need a man, she said it will change. I heard it on and on all the time. Maybe I have some kind of inner homophobia?

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2014 at 01:29 AM ----------

    I can relate to this so much... I never had a real crush on a girl either. I had crushes on guys but personaly I never thought about them in a sexual way. Most of the time I feel left out when my friends talk about guys... and what you told about wanting to be "normal" , it's so true.

    Thank you for answering, you really made me feel less lonely, again, thank you. :slight_smile:
     
  10. paris

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    It's not your fault that you were being told lots of untruths while growing up and it's been affecting you. It's quite understandable, really, and you're far from alone feeling the same way.

    I also always said I don't need a man, and knew I won't marry a man, and it didn't change over years and I'm 36. I didn't know back then it's because I'm gay but I do know it now and it's very liberating. There are still things that I struggle with but I know I'll get to the point where I want to be eventually.

    I know accepting that you like girls isn't easy but imagine there's a girl out there who's waiting for you, who you make happy and who makes you happy one day. I think you shouldn't feel not good enough for that, right? And you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be genuine and honest with yourself and others.
    I don't know where your mom gains her "knowledge" from but there's nothing like women being weaker than men, or a woman need a man for whatever reason. She may believe she gives you best advice and tries to protect you but the truth is that she has no idea what you've been going through and what's best for you in this situation.

    There's no rush, take your time and listen to your heart. If your heart tells you to be with a girl, then be with girl. Same sex love isn't an obstacle, not listening to your heart is. (*hug*)
     
  11. Nychthemeron

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    Paris said it well.

    It's tough to start thinking the other way once you were raised with certain mindset. It happens to everyone, so you're not alone.

    'Women are weaker than men' - bullshit. There are so many beautiful, lovely couples out there that consists of two women, and they're so much better off than some straight couples.

    You don't need a man to lean on. Hell, you don't need anyone to lean on. You need someone to support and to support you.

    Like paris said (again), imagine there's a girl out there waiting for you, who you can make happy and who makes you happy.

    That's not 'leaning,' that's loving and supporting one another.

    You are good enough. And this is not a one-day thing. It takes time. It's okay.

    Don't feel bad for not being able to accept yourself so quickly, especially since you grew up in a household where you were being told you needed a man, not a woman.

    It helps to talk things out with someone. Anyone, really, but someone you can trust. If that's the EC people, that's fine too, because that's what I do. But honestly, I can only help you so much. So sorry if I'm just parroting what others say, haha.

    Remember, you aren't alone. There's nothing wrong with you. And you're totally amazing.

    I hope you feel better. (*hug*)
     
  12. uniqueness

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    Be proud of yourself.
     
  13. MyLittleWorld

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    Nychthemeron and Paris, thank you so much. I really wish that your words would come true.

    I don't know how much influence my environment had here. My mom said these things, but I guess she doesn't even knew there was such thing as sexual orientation. She is not really open minded person. There's a man and a woman, they have to be together and there is no other way.

    But I can't blame her for everything. So what if my country doesn't support gay rights, so what if it's a taboo to talk about it, I feel it's still a problem with me, not with them.

    Uniqueness, I'm still trying, one day I'm proud of myself and the other, I'm so ashamed of myself I want to hide from everyone. I carry guilt and shame, and I'm not really sure for what... I just can feel it.
     
  14. paris

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    Yes, it's not about blaming her, and I wouldn't blame her either, but about understanding the consequences. It doesn't matter if your mom was aware of such a thing as sexual orientation or not, she kept telling you that there is no other way that a man and a woman being together. These things can work almost like a program on children.
    I met a woman at school who told me about her youngest son. He didn't take well when she and her husband wanted to divorce so she told her son that "as long as he's SMALL she won't leave". As a result her son stopped growing completely and stayed small. There may be people who say it's just a coincidence but from my own experience I know that words can have a bigger influence than one may think.
     
  15. Damien

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    Hi mylittleworld
    I find your honesty very moving and no, you are not the only one struggling to accept yourself. I'm only just getting there myself and can't offer the experienced advice of some others here, but I will say, I see a counsellor (a psychologist) regularly and if it were not for his fantastic support, I would never have gotten even as far as I have. Maybe you could find one also (choose a non-religious) who would be able to support you on this journey. It can make a huge difference.
    Take care of yourself brave girl, you will be ok, in time these things get sorted out. You do need to know that these very difficult feelings will not last forever. They will be gone one day, really. One day you will wake up, the sun will be shining through your window, and you will feel completely at ease with who you are. Look upon this as a storm you need to get through first, that's all.
    Damien.
     
  16. MyLittleWorld

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    Thanks for answering. I went to a few psychologists but I never told them how I struggle with my sexual orientation. I guess I can't really feel comfortable talking about it? but the biggest problem is, I don't trust them... I haven't tried my school's counsellor and I'm not really sure how to start talking about it. I'm so used to keeping this all inside, it's hard to epen up.