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My body not responding to women.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Damien, Jul 6, 2014.

  1. Damien

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    In the spirit of complete self-honesty, I tried to get back into the kinds of images of beautiful women that used to really turn me on. I've been wondering lately if, by looking at and fantasizing over so many images of beautiful, effeminate guys, that I may have been 'turning' my mind towards guys, in a way. When I see the images of the lovely ladies, I can feel a sense of immediate arousal, I can see how beautiful they are, but I cannot currently 'get off' on them. My body won't come along for the party. My arousal dies off almost as quickly as it arises. This is very strange and I have never experienced this in my life before.

    If I want to be straight, I can be straight. If I want to be bi or gay, I can be that. I am gradually learning to accept that all of these options are ok, and that whatever sexuality I turn out to have, I will accept it. Even if it did turn out to be just a 'phase', this same-sex attraction I currently feel, coming here, feeling embraced by this community and both giving and receiving support, means I will never be the same again, in any case. I feel as though my heart has widened and opened, I now can accept the lgbt community, it feels so much more kind to no longer have that inner sense of unease about same-sex attraction, that previous feeling of mistrust about whether it really is ok or not. So as I just wrote, in the spirit of this greater sense of acceptance I am feeling, I thought, "well why not look at women again? You are probably bisexual, and should accept that. You would still be accepted here even if you were, and even if you were not accepted as fully, due to the subtle mistrust of bi's amongst some members of the lgbt community, so what? You have to be true to yourself".

    But although my mind seems to even wish to get off on beautiful women again, my body currently does not. Yet when I switched back to looking at the beautiful guys, there I was, back in arousal, lust, and sexual desire tinged even with emotion.

    Whatever I end up being, I will accept it. Just thought I would share this very curious phenomenon that I am currently observing.

    Damien.
     
  2. Pyromaniac

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    While I'm half your age, I'm going through a similar set of questions. Women don't do it for me like guys do. I know that much. I wonder if I'm bi, though, because I once loved women and still find them attractive.

    Although, I don't seek out relationships with women. It's odd. I notice them, and would go out with them (have dated/slept with a few girls in the last year)... but I don't know.
     
  3. Damien

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    That's exactly it. I don't get it how I can still feel instantly attracted to beautiful women, and think "it would be nice to be with her". but at present, my body doesn't seem to agree. Maybe it's habit, and culture - the habit of automatically checking out girls, which like most guys I've had since adolescence; and thousands of years of culture telling us that being with a girl is what we are 'supposed' to be aspiring for. I'm not sure.

    But what I am finding, is that effeminate guys are currently powerfully attracting me, as much as women did previously. I'm having no problems 'getting off' on them...and when I see a cute guy out in the real world, well, how I've changed! Checking out the guys now! Goodness what is going on here...I'm trying to just be accepting and to flow with this, and see where it leads, but yes this is a slightly confusing time.

    Damien. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Damien, Jul 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2014
  4. Pyromaniac

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    Interesting. I find very "girly girls" for lack of a better term (sorry women for being so stupid with this terminology) are actually what I'm attracted to in women. Whereas I'm more attracted to more masculine guys, or at least not "feminine guys." I notice this is how a lot of my "bi" friends are.

    Anyway, I think labels are dumb. I just need one so I can tell my parents and clarify with my friends (I came out as bi to some and gay to others). I might jus re-correct that to bi for everybody, because romantic attraction is still attraction. It might not be my strongest attraction, but I've actually loved a couple women, and would want to be with them still... even if the sex isn't the primary motivator as it is with some guys I have been attracted to.
     
  5. lowkey

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    alot of people think there case maybe be complicated and wont be satisfied with any answers. but i think the bottom line here is social conditioning on your ego and outlook/perspective of men and women. it seems as though 99 percent of media culture displays heterosexual relationships, focusing on beautiful captivating woman. what you are feeling maybe isnt real arousal, maybe its a strong nonsexual desire/affection for beauty. maybe it is partial arousal, but, i would spend my time having sex and being with what 'turns me on' and gets things going the most, so id go with whatever you arent questioning if its sexual attraction. you know for a reason... ya know lol
     
  6. BMC77

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    This is just my experience, which may or may not be relevant/valuable/interesting to others.

    In my case, I sort of assumed I was, essentially, bisexual for years. Although I always phrased it in my mind some way like "in between Kinsey 0 and 6." That sounded nicer to me, I thought, than telling myself I was "bisexual." It was a million times nicer than "gay." :lol:slight_smile:

    There was some evidence, I thought, to support my belief. I'd see women who struck me as attractive. And I could imagine being in some sort of relationship with them. One made a huge impression less than 4 months before I joined EC. (Yes, I probably said to myself: "See! I'm not gay!"

    But within a month or so joining EC, I came to the conclusion that "gay" was, for me, the closest match. I now have to think that the "attraction" I had to various women was on some other level than sexual attraction. I have to think that had I dated a woman, I probably could have had sex. But it would not have been what it could have been with a man.

    I now can't imagine having a relationship with a woman. I have some troubles with imagining one with a man--partly left over societal programming, partly other issues--but a relationship with a man does seem more imaginable.
     
  7. Pyromaniac

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    I think you're partially correct in terms of social conditioning, but it is known that sexuality is a lot more fluid than we let on, and it isn't odd for someone to find attraction to both genders. Labels are dumb to me. I obsess over them only because they are a sort of short hand for telling others about an important part of your identity, and I think being honest about that is good. I hope at some point we get to the point where labels aren't necessary, but that seems unlikely currently.
     
  8. Damien

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    Hello everyone,

    I just did the 'Kinsey test' and my result was:

    3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual.

    However, had I done the test last year - judging by how I think I would have answered at the time - it would have probably come up as:
    1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual.

    So...how accurate is this test, ultimately?

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2014 at 04:18 PM ----------

    This still happens to me. There is this woman, I don't even know her name, but at this shopping centre, our eyes have met a few times in the crowd. We both smile beautifully at each other. I admit that I feel quite attracted to her, there really is something about her in particular, and I don't know what it is.

    I've not even kissed a guy as yet, although I did have a few furtive sexual experiences with guys, even while identifying as 'straight', which in retrospect were indeed a sign, that I did not pick up on at the time. But kissing is something else, it's more intimate than the other things I did (too embarrassed to go into that right now). But I now know I want to know what it is like to really kiss a guy properly, to sink into his embrace and, well, pash on as though the end of the world is coming.

    I can imagine having a relationship with a woman, but they never seemed to work in the past, and honestly I can't seem to be bothered to ask any woman out at present. If I really wanted to, I'm not that unattractive that I could not. I ask myself, why don't I? What is going on? As I said, this really is a period of flux, of transition, in which I'm no longer sure of exactly how I feel sometimes. Thanks for relating your own experience though, it does help for me to just talk about all of this.
     
    #8 Damien, Jul 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2014
  9. BMC77

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    As the old saying puts it, a stopped clock is right twice a day... (And now I've probably lost all the younger members of EC with that reference. :lol:slight_smile:

    I think a lot depends on the individual test. There are a billion--or so it seems--floating about the Internet. I don't think there is any "official" test. The tests take the Kinsey scale, and then use questions to try and match you to the Kinsey scale. I've tried a few tests, and my results have been all over the map.
     
  10. SensesFailX

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    It depends on which version you've done. There are various imitation Kinsey tests on the internet that aren't the real thing, and can be much shorter or different. I got a 4 on mine although I feel I'm more of a 5 or 6, so really I don't think the test is accurate.

    I think its the 'idea' of the test that is the most important part, the idea that sexuality isn't black or white but is the gray in between.

    About your problem, I've been feeling the same way recently. I used to find women attractive and then all of a sudden switched to guys... But lately I've been feeling an attraction for those women again (although not NEARLY as powerful as guys).

    I've come to accept that no matter what, I'm not straight. But really is anyone?

    I know its hard to go without a label, but Its a good thing to keep in mind if you feel confused. I hope your journey goes good! ^_^
     
  11. Damien

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    I think that's an insightful point. I am really 'into' beauty and the ideal of beauty in general. I can be captivated by a beautiful sunset, or a beautiful piece of music. I'm currently working on some music of Chopin and it's so darned beautiful it honestly makes me cry sometimes. (I had better get over that before getting up and actually performing it, however...).

    Hehe...yeah I know what you mean. But part of me, and it feels like a very old part of me, seems to 'call me back' to be with a woman again, to 'give it another try'. It seems like this deep thing that comes up again. I feel as though, in the interests of complete self-honesty, I need to remain open to this, despite - and please, female readers, take no offense with this - despite the fact that I'm not sure I want to repeat all the trouble, pain and stress I've experienced every time I've actually been in a relationship with a woman, again. I can see a vista opening before me, in which I am now free to roam in both worlds, both gay and straight; and since the gay world is the one I have not as yet explored properly, that is where this adventurous spirit wants to now go.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2014 at 04:56 PM ----------

    Thank you, SensesFail, well I'm intending to join a real-life meetup group as soon as I can (they require a photo before I can join, and to post that, I need to find the webcam, I know it's somewhere in my house...). I don't have a digital camera, so the webcam is the only option. Then again, there are plenty of gay bars and venues around also, but I as my ex is about to pop out another baby at any moment (with her new guy), I am kind of 'tied' to home at present, because as soon as she goes into labour, she needs me to pick up the kids and take care of them for a few days...so I can't even go out at present. :tears:

    Damien :slight_smile: