Hi guys, I've always considered myself a heterosexual person, I've only dated guys, never felt attracted to other women, never even felt curios about what it would be to have some kind of sexual experience with a girl...up until a couple of months ago, when I started noticing that something really weird was happening in my mind, that I still don't quite know how to explain. I started having those weird feelings for my boss. She is the same age as me, I wouldn't say she's stunningly beautiful but extremely sweet and cute and nice..the room brightens up when she smiles, she's just a sweet little angel At first I thought it was just what they call a girl crush, since it didn't seem to be of a sexual nature..at least at that time. I just felt the need to be near her, to talk to her, I could have just sat there for hours just staring at her...I was giggling like a moron every time I got an email or a call from her, I caught myself showing up an hour early to work, just to spend more time with her. I went to bed and I got up in the morning thinking about her. So the whole thing was getting more and more intense...and I kind of started really obsessing about it and trying to analyze it...I spent hours reading articles on the internet about being a lesbian and lesbian relationships, I watched dozens of movies about lesbians falling in love. Most of the movies were pretty graphical about female-female sex, so i guess at some point the sex part also became kind of..lets say natural to me. So I started having sexual fantasies about her. At this point I'm confident to say that I'm madly in love with this woman. Romantically, platonically and sexually- the whole package. It actually physically hurts me to sit across her and not be able to touch her, to kiss her, just to be with her :icon_sad: And it kills me that she's married and nothing's ever gonna happen between us and I'm never gonna know what it would feel like to be in her arms even for just a minute..The worst part is- my job is really crappy, I kind of only stick around because of her. But sooner rather than later I'm gonna have to look for another job and just the thought that I'm never gonna see her again makes me sick to my stomach..:icon_sad: I told a couple of good friends about her..For me it was this big mind blowing thing, that took me months to feel ready to share even with my closest friends..and none of them took me seriously..they laughed at me and said that I was just imagining it, that I'm losing my mind and that I just need to get laid once again(by a guy of course) .One of them even forbade me to talk about her, cause apparently the whole thing is getting on her nerves. So now I have to figure out ho not to talk about her, when she is all I think about.. I feel so alone and misunderstood. So, I guess my question is...all these years dating men and never having a doubt in my mind that I was perfectly straight...how did I not notice I was bi? How is it possible, that in my entire life I've never experienced any kind to attraction to any other woman, except for this one? I know you shouldn't put labels on sexuality..but I kind of really need a label right know..I need to know what I am, so I can deal with it..am I bi, am I just a straight girl , who's in love with another girl(is that even possible?)..? Is it a good idea to try to hook up with some girl (since "mine" is unreachable) just to test it out and see if I'd be sexually aroused(even if its nearly impossible even imagining having sex with someone else, man or woman, except for her. )? I'd really like to hear your thoughts, anything would be helpful..and if there is someone who went through something similar, I'd really appreciate it if they shared their experiences..Thanks in advance!
In my opinion, labels only generalize what you feel. If you legitimately only have feelings for this one woman, why change your label? Here's a quote, from a thread where I was wondering about the difference between pan and bi: I agree with them (sorry, Wuggums, if you don't want to be quoted), personally, and this doesn't apply to just pan and bi labels. It can also apply to hetero and bi labels, in your case. By definition, can you be bisexual? Yes. But like you said, you don't need a label for it.
If it's just this girl then you don't need to change your label ,it's one girl out of billions of men. I think this is what people are talking about when they say sexuality is fluid and not black and white, you don't need to go experiment with other women . It's just one women relax no need to go jumping the fence, I like labels but sometimes some people take them way too seriously. This can happen to anyone gay, straight, and lesbian. Some people have one exceptions others don't it's what makes sexuality fascinating no need to go changing labels just because of one person.
It's possible. I didn't start noticing my attraction to women until I was 20. There is a first time for everything. Would having a label make a difference? Suppose you're bisexual, would you start dating women? Time will tell. If you felt genuinely attracted to this woman, you might find yourself attracted to another woman eventually. You shouldn't try to force it and hook up with someone you don't even like just for the sake of experimenting. That would probably make everything more confusing.
I just wanted to say you are not alone! I went through a similar situation last year with a co-worker. Could not pinpoint any specific sexual attraction to women previously, and I am 27. Always thought I was straight. Long story short, I fell head-over-heels for an openly-lesbian co-worker....was never planning to tell her but ended up doing so after some drinking one night. Turns out she felt the same way! But was in a long-term relationship at the time...which recently ended and now we are together. I thought everything would be over because I couldn't bear to be just friends and was planning to tell her so and to let her go...until she broke up with her girlfriend. I never put any pressure on her to do so. However there was no supervisor or boss issue to deal with, and she was openly gay, unlike your boss. We ended up seeing each other frequently outside of work, and we kept everything a secret at work. I am now working elsewhere due to entirely unrelated issues. I can understand your questioning and your confusion, and I am still there too. I don't know if I'm bisexual, straight with her as an exception, or gay. All I know is that I'm 100% crazy about this woman. It must be awful not being able to express your feelings to her...I remember how much I felt tortured while keeping my feelings secret. Have you noticed your interest in men has dramatically decreased since meeting her? My interest in men is essentially zero at this point....she is all I see. Try not to worry about labeling for now, I know it can be really hard, and for those of us who didn't "know all along" and have been rather blind-sided by falling in love with a woman...it almost feels like being "behind" sometimes, like catching up. I'm just trying to be patient with myself and remember the advice of many others on this board to just experience and explore the feelings and things such as orientation will likely become clearer with time. Please know you are not alone - I am new to the site too so I don't think we can send each other messages yet, but feel free to write on my profile's wall or just ask me anything in this thread. Hang in there!
I think there are no need for labels. The people you fall for are just the exceptions of one person's "normal" hetero routine. So she must be extraordinary for you and I think now that you've realized this then you might find another special person be it a guy or girl... that is up to how special they are to you
It may very well be a one-time thing, or it may not. If you feel like you have to change your label, I'd go with bi-curious. From the way you describe your feelings for her, it definitely sounds like genuine attraction though, very similar how I feel for my crush ( who is straight and doesn't love me back -.-). As for the experimenting: go for it. Can't do any harm can it? I slept with a woman trying to forget my crush and even though that didn't work it was a very pleasureable experience, even though I'm sure it would've been so much better had it been " her". I'm sorry your friends are not supportive. You can always talk to us here on EC though, if you need to talk. That's what this community exists for.
I know these feelings must have your mind spinning; obviously they do. It seems apparent to me that whatever your "underlying" (general) orientation, you've fallen hard for this particular woman. But I think the more salient point in this whole thing is: She's off limits. She's married. So, no matter what you decide to decide about yourself in the future - right now, for your sake and for hers - I think you need to physically move yourself outside of her sphere of existence. I'm sorry. I know that's hard news. After some amount of time once you've accomplished that, I think you will be in a better position to consider anew your attractions. I wouldn't shut them out, if they might have the chance to rise again. So perhaps be open to liking who you like. Falling for who you fall for. But for now, your new questions about your sexuality/orientation are all bound up with thoughts of her. And so, for now, perhaps in making the right move considering the object of your affections is a married person, you need to not over-dwell on the question. Because it will just lead back to thoughts of her, and torture you. Best of luck. I think once you feel a bit better after some distance and cooldown, it will certainly be an interesting question for you to newly explore in your life. Be thankful that perhaps your options are newly expanded before you, and perhaps it will lead you to a great deal of happiness in your life.
