hello

I know this may sound totally crazy so here goes

Firstly hi, I'm new to the site. Looking for answers, I have some strange feelings and I'm not sure if I'm alone on these.

I first fell in love with a girl when I was 16, I wasn't a lesbian, I was straight until that point I had had romantic feelings towards boys. I had had one boyfriend and had lost my virginity to him although there were no fireworks or anything more of a is that it?

I had an older boyfriend after this and we had sex over the course of our relationship but I never really felt anything strongly for him. In fact when people got all mushy about being in love I had no idea how they felt and thought this is what they are talking about.....

Then I met the girl. I call her the girl as I fell head over heels in love with her both emotionally and sexually. We had a secret relationship for about a year and a half, after which she told me she didn't like me like that she was straight and wanted a boyfriend and a family.

I accepted this but needless to say I was utterly heart broken.

I left home at 16 and looking back she was older and had become somewhat of a mother figure to me as my mother was never really there for me when I was growing up. She worked 24/7 as she was the manager of a company and had little spare time.

My parents had never acknowledged the relationship between me and the girl, I told my mum I had fallen in love with her and she told me it was a phase we all go through at that age and that I needed to snap out of it. One day a man would come along and take good care of me. We would get married and have children and have a life together.

6 months went by and I had fallen heavily depressed, I was still working and living but a more subdued lifestyle. I had a friend and one day met her brother, who showed a lot of interest in me. He was attractive and kind and a really lovely guy. I regret ever meeting him. We started to meet as friends at first and then a sexual relationship grew.

I live in a small town and this was about 11 years ago, there was no facebook and smart phones and people around here just were not openly gay. I had no idea of any other gay or lesbian people in my community.

I fell pregnant and we decided to have the child, my son is now almost 10 and I love him to pieces. We lived together in a 3 bedroom house although we had separate rooms because of his work schedule meant him leaving early and getting home late.

When my son was 3 I felt empty, I had given up work to become a mother and my life revolved around the home and my son, on my 21st birthday party I remember getting really drunk and this provoked a sexual relationship again between the two of us.

We planned my second pregnacy and everything was blissful I enjoyed being a mother but we had no relationship, by the time my son was 16 months old I ended the relationship.

I couldn't go on there was no love there. I agreed that I would not let this affect our two sons and granted him access to the children when ever he wanted and offered an open custody agreement to suit his needs. (there is a lot more to this but I'll try and brief it)

He has them wed evenings and every other weekend. This is regular and should there be an issue with the children we meet up and discuss it like civilized adults. I do feel we were mature enough to make them so we should be mature enough to parent them.

I live live over 250 miles from my parents and family because they relocated when my youngest son was 2 months old.

My siblings have grown up and are now having families of their own and it hurts sometimes that I can't be there for them. I singed an agreement that said I would never live further than an hour drive from the fathers home and business.

I don't have a relationship with my mother and my father was never around when I was growing up. I had a step father growing up and he influences my mums decisions on things. When I first got depressed he told my mum I had lost the plot, and consistently refers to gay people as messed up people. Who have no idea of what they really want.

I do feel sorry for him as he has his share of mental health problems and I will never believe his ignorance towards the lgbt community.

When my son was 3 I went to university to do a degree in physiology, unfortunately I never completed it. But I had a lack of support and the financial implications were unreal.

I haven't spoken to my parents in over 2 years now, and I feel good about this as right now, I don't need the hate and grief the caused in my life for so long.

After splitting up with the father of my children it had been 8 months and I had not had a relationship. I went out for a few drinks with a neighbor and some of her friends. One of whom asked about my single status and said who were you with prior to the father of your children.

I answered truthfully

to which they replied you are a lesbian aren't you?

I had never considered that I was

nor had I ever heard anyone ask me or call me lesbian.

It was food for thought and I started to think about it, I looked at a man nothing but then I started to look at women and those feelings came back,

I found them attractive, they made my pulse race.

I felt turned on in a way I hadn't felt like since I was 17.

Acceptance is a hard thing,

I find it hard to admit to myself that I am a lesbian.

I can somewhat tell other people I am, but not always openly.
When I fist told people I got some criticism, because I have children I must be bisexual. But I get more excited just sitting with a girl and holding hands than I do after foreplay with a man.

I joined some local lgbt groups and have been supportive to the community but find it difficult to talk to girls like that.

If I don't like a girl I can chat with her for hours.

If I find her attractive I completely well up, my palms get sweaty and I get all nervous and flustered and don't have the first idea what to say.

I'm self conscious about my post pregnancy body, I'm not nearly as thin and confident as I used to be when I was 17. I'm also worried other women won't want children or like my children and they mean the absolute world to me.

one day I would love to have another child with someone I really love.

But for now I can't get past this denial phase, I see a pretty woman and if I'm out I just want to make love to her the urge over comes me and I force myself to go home and take a cold shower.

I'd love to meet a girl and take her for dinner and date her, I know if I sleep with her I will end up having less respect for her.
I'm also not sure if having these lustful feelings are wrong? sometimes I feel so guilty for having them.

I've been alone now for almost 4 years although in that time I did have a short relationship with a woman who someone not ready to settle she just enjoyed the thrill of the sexual engagements and is very anti children. She enjoys her freedom, alcohol and was not looking for anything more than that.

I sometimes wish I understood all of this

I still see the girl I first fell in love with she has a family now and its so confusing, I still like her deep down, but would never act on that as I respect her family commitments

I also worry now that my sexuality will impact my children if I was to have a relationship,

I don't want them to get bullied in school or grow up hating for the way I feel.

I contain so much of this but I'm self employed my business is doing well, I have a nice life and when the boys go away at the weekends it would be nice to have someone to share it with. Someone to travel with and do things with so we can look back and talk about it.

I feel like my life is passing my by so quickly and I can't hit the brakes.

Everyone who was in my school year is either married or coupled up with children. Even the people we speculated would never marry.

I now feel like what is wrong with me? am I ugly, too fat do people really not find me attractive?

Is it that I have children?

My work is quite lonely so I do not meet many people or network as often as I would like and then miss a lot of events because of having the children.

Sorry for bending your ear I just need someone to talk this through with.