New member. Hope I'm posting in the right place, I saw this community in a desperate Google search and it looks pleasant (I hope). A few days before my 16th birthday, I met a guy online. We talked, we liked each other. We started dating long distance. He flew over to England a couple of years later. A couple of years after that I flew to America. He is my first and only, and I am happily straight. Then a few months back I noticed that... I was really starting to look at women more. I'd derive more pleasure and feel attraction to women: in porn (on occasions when I do look at that), movies, etc. I'd still confidently describe men as hot, and hey, I have a boyfriend! So I'm bisexual. That's okay. Come out to boyfriend, he's okay with it, move on. Skip to yesterday. I finally dealt with the issue that although I feel a huge amount of love for him - enough to plan to leave my country behind and move to America to join him - I have absolutely no sexual attraction to him. So I'd try to fantasise about other men - hot ones. But... nope. Nada. No sexual attraction, but I'd still sometimes get urges - rarely, a couple of times a month - so... I must be asexual. That fact ended my six and a half year relationship. So if I'm having some trouble working things out, kindly understand that a guy I loved, and still love, for a third of my life, just ended a relationship with me. I'm a bit heartbroken. Now, I'm wondering if I'm not asexual. Clearly, we can agree I have a low sex drive. And we know I'm at least bisexual. But I'm coming to wonder if I'm gay? I can actually fantasise about women in that sense... it's not something I'm necessarily comfortable with, given the 6.5year boyfriend. When I thought I was bi? Sure, of course I'm going to think about women sometimes. But now... if I am in fact gay? What the hell do I do about that? (I'd like to point out this isn't a homophobia issue of any sort. I have two married lesbian cousins, one of my closest friends is lesbian, and there's probably a few in there I've forgotten about. I'm okay with the idea in theory, it's just where it fits my life that's got me scared) Sorry for the essay. Need some guidance.
It is pleasant. Don't worry. Haha. I'm so sorry you broke up with your boyfriend, though. Older relationships are usually the hardest to break. (*hug*) About you being asexual or gay, you mentioned you don't feel sexual attraction towards men. Do you feel the same about women, or is there some sort of sexual connection?
Thanks for the reply! Whether I feel sexual connection... that's something I'm trying to work out. I think if there was any, I denied it - I didn't feel any to him, and I did (do) love him, so I CAN'T feel any for anyone else. Hey look, here's (insert hot guy here), I don't feel any sexual attraction to him so I CAN'T feel any for anyone else. End of story. Do I? ... I think I might. I'm not sure. I have on occasion fantasised about women - on occasion being very, very recently. I'm not sure if it's an actual... connection or just me trying to work it out. I can tell you for sure it's at least something I wouldn't mind that much, I'm not actively repulsed like I am with men. I can quite happily agree that the idea of dating/hand-holding/embracing a woman is quite a nice thought - I had great problems even doing the latter two with my boyfriend of (then) four years without shuddering slightly. I figured I just wasn't ready due to the long-distance nature. How do I figure out if there is a sexual connection, or if I'm just making one up? I think there is. Maybe.
If you can take sexual fantasies and actually carry it out, then there's a possibility you may be gay and not asexual. So, yeah, you can be 'sexual' within your mind and still be asexual. Likewise, you don't have to be sexual to be not-asexual. It's just if you feel sexual attraction or not.
Well, I have no idea on the carrying out fantasies of being with a woman, I've only been single for... well, a day? I think my official status is Confused. But I am leaning towards gay; asexual seems to fit less well the more I think about it. I did talk to my ex-boyfriend today. We're still friends, we got on far too well not to be. Once things are a bit less awkward (I'm hoping they get less awkward) we'll try to move on with that.
Glad to hear that your ex is still friends with you! That's pretty awesome. And, sorry. I worded my response poorly. You don't actually have to have sex with a woman to know you're gay. In fact, a lot of people on this site are still virgins, but they're 100% secure in their sexuality. These things, you just know. Think about having a sexual relationship with a real woman in the real world. Does that feel right to you? Does it make you happy? Or does it feel wrong and uncomfortable? These aren't really a sure-sign that you're gay, since there are other factors playing in (for example, you're insecure in relationships or you're uncertain on how to act in a sexual relationship with a woman), but they can lead you off into the right way. If you feel, deep inside you, that you can be happy in a sexual relationship with a woman, you possibly could be gay.
I think I'm shy and nervous above all else, I'm a virgin - never even gotten as far as touching, on account of the shudder reflex. But I think I could imagine a sexual relationship with a real woman... it's hard to imagine feeling comfortable enough with someone I've yet to even meet, I have no real basis to put this imagining from... but I think I am gay. The idea certainly makes me happy, butterflies in the stomach sort of feeling. Definitely not wrong. I think we've answered my question. Thank you so much.
