So i'm just feeling extremely frustrated with myself right now, and could probably use some words of wisdom. I'm having an extremely difficult time finding a label. (And I know finding a label isn't necessary, but after questioning my sexuality for over a year I wish I'd have some clarity, and I'm just really having a hard time accepting myself.) The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not straight. I even had an epiphany moment when I thought I was asexual, and I began crying because of the realization that I'm not sexually attracted to men. Everything made so much sense. But that label felt like a lie, a truer lie than straight, but still a lie. And then began to realize that I find women attractive, but I continued to deny that I had romantic feelings for them. As I've accepted my feeling more and more, I still somehow can't accept that I'm attracted to women. I say I am, and I have told people that I am, but deep down I'm still uncomfortable with exposing my true self and opening myself up to years of repressed feelings. I'm attracted to women, but I don't feel like the label lesbian really fits. I sometimes use gay, but still its not quite right. Bi works sometimes as I get feelings for guys too, but I don't know if my attraction to men is strong enough for a longterm relationship. I could technically use the label bi, but its doesn't feel right. And then, to make this even more confusing, I sometimes still feel like I might fall on the asexual spectrum. And it doesn't help that I feel pressured, by both myself and my mother, to come out to my dad. My mom needs someone else to talk to about this with and I haven't told him yet. BUT, I don't want to tell him until I have a clearer, more accepting understanding of my sexuality. At very least I want to wait until I find a less convoluted label, or an easier way of saying, "I like girls and guys, but my attraction varies. Somedays I feel like I'm only attracted to women, other days I'm attracted to both, and then there are long periods of time where I feel no attraction to anyone at all. My attraction to men is either physical or romantic, I don't experience them together. I'll either find a guy romantically attractive or sexually attractive not both. With women my attraction is typically more consistent and normal, I'm first drawn to them by physical characteristics, and then develop romantic feelings." I guess I could id as bi, but the label doesn't feel right. The label lesbian is a bit better, but then I'm denying my feelings and attractions I've had for men. Both label's are such a big lofty words, that carry so many stereotypes with them, and I don't like attaching a label that has so many stereotypes to myself. I guess when it comes down to it I'm just having a hard time accepting myself.
I'm in the same situation, but with my romantic orientation. I see that you mention you're bisexual, but with a strong preference for women? Maybe you like the labels androgynesexual (attraction to men and women), gynosexual (attraction to women), or pansexual (attraction to all genders) instead of bisexual?
Well, how differently do you feel towards women and men? If you have no preference to gender whatsoever, then you could just say pansexual. Whatever works best for you.
I experience some primary attraction to men occasionally. And I honestly don't even know if i have romantic feelings for them or just extremely strong platonic attraction. For example looking at pictures of opposite sex couples, I think they look like really close friends, but with girls I automatically assume couple. I think my main concern is which label is more appropriate: Bi with a preference for women or gay?
Hi Tardis, no label feels right for me either. I'm learning how to live with uncertainty, how to simply remain in touch with my feelings, including of attraction etc, as they occur from day to day, and to be patient with myself if they seem to shift about sometimes. I'm sorry I can't give you more clarity, but I can say that - if we simply reverse the masculine with the feminine here, as I am a guy - I think I can relate to know how you are feeling. (*hug*)
Appropriate is pretty much debatable. It's all on how you see it. I think 'bisexual with preference for women' is more technically accurate, but if the 'gay' label sounds more comfortable to you, go for it. No one should say you're 'wrong'.
Thanks everyone for your input and support, I really appreciate it. (*hug*) I think the main thing I'm struggling with is accepting myself. I now can recognize that I have feelings for women, and I accept that I have them, but I'm not accepting of them, if that makes any sense. Even after coming out to my mom I still hide my internet tabs, I still feel awkward having feelings for women, and I'm afraid to fully open myself up to my feelings for women. I guess just didn't realize how long full acceptance can take.
Yeah, it does make since. A lot of other people feel the same way... including me. Oops. The best (yet worst, probably) advice I can give is to give it time. For now, let yourself have feelings for women as your 'guilty pleasure'... then, soon, it won't be guilty anymore; it'd be natural.
Thanks Yeah I'm trying my best to be patient with myself. Once I get back up to my university I'm going to join the GSA and hopefully that will help. But I know I'm going to have to tell my dad before I go back to school, for both my mom's and my own sake. But I want to tell him when I have confidence in myself, and having to have a timeline for when I have to tell him isn't making it any easier. Its like I'm trying to force acceptance on myself, despite the fact that I know thats not how acceptance happens.
i feel almost exactly the same! i have no idea what my preferences even are right now. when i think about being in a committed long term relationship, sometimes i feel like it's insane for me to be in a relationship with a guy, and i would much prefer a girl. but then sometimes i come across a guy who i could see myself with, but any other time i imagine being with another woman. and i find men nice to look at, but usually i don't imagine i would prefer to physically be with a man over a woman. and yes, other times i feel like i want nothing to do with either. the most crappy part is i never feel a certain way, its always changing. so confusing and stressful:bang:
You're probably going to slap me for saying this, but I'll say it anyway: Come out when you're ready. If you feel like you'll never be ready, then find a time where you're the most prepared and quickly say, "I need to tell you something." Most likely, your father will be curious and even if you back out, he may continue to prod, which is sort of like a reminder to come out to him. This stresses some people out, but it's what I did, so if you think you can handle it, go for it.
I think to be honest there's an issue with internalised homophobia here. I think the word 'lesbian' shocks you, like the words 'gay man' still shocks me, at least as a self description. I think - please excuse my forwardness - that you may be in the bargaining stage of grief. I still have moments where I mourn my lost straight self, and it's been a few years. It's natural, but it's interfering with honest and truthful labelling, as far as I can see. Some of the more exotic labels - like androgynesexual - are definitely helpful for some people. But as Chip likes to point out on EC, they can also be a distraction, one that colludes with a desire to obscure or negotiate away the homosexual component of one's desire. I still struggle with this too. I sense that in your case your orientation is directed mainly and most consistently towards women. If that is indeed the case, what is wrong with the l-word?
@YaraNunchuck, No thank you for your forwardness, I really appreciate it. I love it when people give me constructive advice/ criticism and are honest with me, I prefer things not be sugar coated. (sorry in advance for rambling, and anyone is welcome to respond (&&&) ) I definitely agree that I have a form of internalized homophobia. I wasn't raised in a religious household, so I think its more just society in general and stereotypes that have snowballed into my homophobia. However, I think eventually religion did play a part. I attended a private catholic high school, so I think subconsciously that effected me. On some level I knew that it wouldn't be a 'safe' environment to explore my feelings so I just forced them aside and refused to acknowledge them. It also makes things more confusing and easier to deny my attraction to women because I have intense platonic, and slight romantic feelings for some guys. And I've been able to convince myself that these feelings are crushes. I'm getting better at seeing that these attractions are very rarely strong crushes, especially since I lack the physical attraction to men, the feelings are purely emotional. However, i still occasionally try to convince myself that they are more intense than they are. Also another thing that adds to my difficulty of accepting that I'm only attracted to women, or mostly, is that that means I lied to myself and my best friend (since High school), who I would to talk to about guys, for years. Despite the fact that multiple times i told her I wondered if my feelings for my crushes were real, I still feel guilty. Especially, because I continued to tell her about a guy, who i am maybe crushing on, even after I realized I have strong preference for girls (this was just a few month's ago). I hate to admit the fact that I lied to and a hid a part of myself from both my friend and myself. I pride myself on the fact that I'm honest about who I am, and if I admit that I have always known that I've liked women, which I have. (My clearest memory of consciously pushing away feelings was early sophomore year of high school.) Then i have to admit that I wasn't honest with myself for 20 years (ok more like 6 years) of my life, that I'm guilty of lying to myself which then implies that I'm hypocritical if I advocate honesty yet I denied who I was for years. Anyways, I guess that gets to the heart of the issue right there. If anyone has advice/ words of wisdom on how to move past guilt I'd really appreciate it (*hug*).
Acceptance is a journey, and trust me I'm right there on it with you. I have been really struggling to accept my attraction to both genders for quite some time now. I never felt like straight fit me, and it's hard for me to call myself bisexual, even though I know its true. Have faith in your feelings and attractions and analyze from there. I feel like when it comes to sexuality, your emotions and sexual desires are more reliable than your thoughts. Don't talk yourself out of what you feel. Make sure to be yourself.
Don't beat yourself over it. It's quite normal, it's what denial does to people. Water makes you wet, mud makes you dirty and denial makes you lie to yourself and others. It's part of the process, and if it was easy we wouldn't meet here on EC. Considering that you can finally see how you were pushing away your feelings and stuff means you do great now. That's what matters. (*hug*)
"Lesbian" I think fits me better, but I too have struggled adopting publicly, because I know I have had a history with men, been with them, had crushes on them - so in a way I haven't wanted to seem like a fraud. But... women just seem to be where I feel most comfortable and natural, if that makes sense. There's no trying to force myself anymore. It's not just about the physical aspect. Women are so much more interesting and arousing than men, but there's also the relational aspect, as well. Men just don't really make sense romantically, and it's difficult to make a connection. So whilst I love my male friends, and are like brothers to me, being a girlfriend of them doesn't make sense. There was always the anticipation of a great connection, of enjoying sex, but usually I always felt disappointed and got bored and felt trapped. Hence a number of very short lived relationships (mainly 2-4 weeks). I'm currently in my first proper relationship with a woman, which has now reached the three months mark. Surprisingly I have never felt stifled and suffocated, I feel I can be me with her, and the sexual attraction hasn't waned at all. I think you just need to not be so hard on yourself around your sexual orientation. I know it's difficult. Just allow yourself to be and enjoy your attractions - it WILL fall into place eventually. I have been in that place too. If I could go back and tell myself one thing would be "ignore other people trying to tell you who you are based on their definitions and prejudice". I will never be a gold star lesbian, but I am entitled as a human being, to be authentic in who I am, to choose my own labels-or not.
