Straight vs Bi or something else?

Just another thread to feed my curiosity if that's okay...

You've probably read this loads of times now, but I'm having a bit of a freak out day today.

Long story short, I have diagnosed OCD, I worry and obsess about a lot of stuff. I used to worry about turning or becoming gay after friends called me it as I hadn't had a first kiss. This was a few years back. I then started to check myself in regards to arousal etc. by checking out friends, but only really concentrating on their lower body - I was never aroused, I felt more anxious than anything but felt the NEED to keep on 'checking them out'. I then started to do it with guys in the street, but it was any guy I came across. Old, young, fat, slim. If I saw a topless guy I'd concentrate on that to see if a response occurred, but again I felt more anxious than anything, and HAD to keep checking to make sure I wasn't responding to it down below.

During this period, my best friend who I'm very close with, me and him were hanging out, and he grabbed me and jokingly asked meto 'do things' to him. He was joking, but even so it freaked the HELL out of me. It didn't excite me or anything, it just weirded me out. Still though I'm very close with him and kinda admire him because he's a cool guy. At times I emulate him and stuff.

My worries then disappeared since I started worrying and obsessing about something else.

After all this crap settled down I was okay, I made out with girls, had relationships with girls, sexual experiences with girls etc. Easily turned on by them, easily got erections etc. I'd occasionally check adult videos, but I have only ever in my life been on lesbian or girl solo stuff, never anything else, even before my friends started talking smack about me, albeit jokingly. Looking at videos I'd be aroused/turned on/erect etc.

My best friend is a bit of an idiot when he's drunk. He's slapped me with his penis before. He's been drunk and put his face on my crotch. On nights out in clubs I've had guys, friends etc. kiss me, but just like pecks/friends kisses etc. Nothing sexual or anything. I've never been excited from it, always flaccid etc.

Anyway, few months back, my younger brother came out. Took us by surprise, had an effect on me too in that I started worrying again. An exact repeat of the scenario from a few years back. Now all the other stuff has started again. Checking guys to see if there's a response, checking out friends. My best friend is quite intense when he talks to you, get's right up in your face and stuff, and now that's started making me anxious. Partly because I had a dream, he told me he was gay and tried to kiss me, I fought him off and woke up feeling sick. So now I'm a little anxious when talking to my friend.

I've also started to consciously put thoughts of same sex stuff into my head to see if I get an erection, which I don't, and I end up shaking my head to remove the thought.

So there's the background. If you've read any of my threads before you'll have read this a million times so I apologise, but my questions are these.

Clearly from the above I'm turned on/aroused/erect from girls - from touching or making out with, done stuff with girls, ejaculated when with girls from dry humping etc. Never have I had an erection when with a guy, ever. So I sound straight right? However, I'm wondering if my background suggests anything other than that? I mean, I have a fear of being something else other than straight but I guess I just want to know from people with different orientations think. Sometimes I think well I'm know I'm straight but if there's more to it then that's okay... and then I start to freak because I don't want to be anything other than straight.

 

Thanks for the replies, guys!

Yeah that's sort of how I'm feeling, Budweiser. It's like I know who I am and what I'm attracted to, then in my mind it's like, what if all that is wrong?

I mean, disregarding my obsessional thinking, my mind keeps saying to me, if you were 100% straight, you wouldn't force yourself to check out guys to see if they cause you to feel something. But at the same time my mind is telling me, of course you're checking, you've got OCD, you're doing your usual thing. But I've noticed, if I'm on a night out, I do 'checking' to see if I feel something, as opposed to genuine checking out girls.

... yet when I kiss girls or I'm in a relationship, I'm very easily turned on by them.

I mean, attraction is based on positive feelings. Yet when I check to see if there's anything with a guy I get real uncomfortable and anxious. However, I'm with a girl I get excited and feel good. My mind also keeps saying "if you want to me positive you know who you are, just go out and try something that way you'll know for definite. But the problem is, that terrifies me because I don't want to 'try' anything. Surely,

It's gotten to the point where I've started to avoid friends because when I'm with them I keep checking them, over and over. I'm in the car with them, I keep flicking to look at them to see if I get a response. Yet I never do. I keep checking myself to make sure I'm still flaccid. Whereas, I'm in a car with a girl, we make a flirty joke... BAM, I'm turned on.

If I was able to stop 'checking' by looking at guys to see if I DO get a response, then I'd be fine. Yet I can't. I check by putting images into my head to see if I get a response. Nope. But I still worry in case I do. Same when I start thinking "oh just try it to know once and for all"... that scare me because I really don't want to.

 

Yep various medication, and cognitive behavioural therapy.

I went to a therapist about various intrusive thoughts and worries. I worried about losing my hair and constantly checked it - even though I've a full head of hair - I worried about catching an STD from walking near a condom that was on the floor - I then worried about touching my shoes in case something transferred from the condom on to my shoes etc... various other stuff including this fear of turning gay or bi.

The therapist didn't help, made me worse hence me now being on medication.

Regarding the fear of turning or becoming bi, she basically said well there's nothing wrong with it, why worry if you are? I was trying to explain that it didn't sit right with me, I liked girls, always and only had, but she basically shunned the idea of it being OCD and I never went back.

 

Hypothetically, I'd hate it. I just can't see myself being with a man, or being intimate with a man. It doesn't seem right to me, personally, for me.

Yet still, I've all this doubt and confusion in my head.

I mean. How would you know if you were attracted to a man? I'm not talking about arousal here, I mean like how would you know if you LIKED a man?

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Oh yeah. When I was like 19 I went to a gay bar with friends. Some guy came onto me. I was pretty scared, not going to lie. He grabbed me when we were outside, I pulled away and swiftly moved away.

I've been more recently with friends, I was drunk. Some guy was talking to me and buying me and friends drinks, I was a little more relaxed that time... which bothers me a bit.

 

Haha no it wasn't rhetorical, I was looking for an answer lol.

On a waiting list, to see one it could take a while. On new medication too.

I'm just very confused at the moment. I'm wondering whether me researching, looking on forums, looking online etc is making me think I could be something I'm not.

I'm also worrying about my friendship with my best friend. Like I said we're close. We hang around, we go out for beers/coffee with each other. We've got changed in front of each other. He's been drunk and slapped me with his penis, he's drunk kissed me - not properly just messing about - he calls me pretty much everyday. I emulate things he does. He sends me pics of his junk and stuff. I've never been turned on or excited/aroused or anything by him though, ever. Once he was drunk and pulled his pants down and bent over. He was messing around. I stayed flaccid, yet I was feeling very anxious and kept checking to make sure I was flaccid. I'm closer to him though, than any of my other friends.

He has a girlfriend, and I'm cool if he marries her, doesn't bother me. I used to like his girlfriend in fact.

I also worry about suddenly grabbing another friends hand and walking with it. I mean what's up with that?

What the hell is wrong with me? Girls I've been with turn me on and arouse me. I've ejaculated in my pants when making out with them for crying out loud. Why can't that be enough for me to know I'm not anything other than straight.

 

I edited my post above about my best friend. I guess it's nothing like that then, what you're describing?

 

Yeah, tell me about it, haha. But the closeness of me and my friend (and the stories I've mentioned), me checking guys to see if there's a response, me 'testing' myself as it where, by being close to my guy friends to see if I get an erection or whatever and other stuff... this is definitely just my OCD and doesn't sound like anything else?

I appreciate the replies by the way, Peacemaker. Sounds stupid but talking kinda helps me understand stuff a little better.

 

Thanks for the reply Wuggums47 .

Yeah I think so too. Well hope so.

The thing is though, I start to get used to it and think it's okay, then freak out because I'm getting used to it, if that makes sense? It's a vicious circle.

 

Yeah I know, but it isn't. It comes and goes.

At the moment I am yeah. Self-homophobic? Huh?