I want to be of both sexes in life

Hi,

Ever since I was small, I've always wanted to be a woman basically it turns me on.
I've never felt completely a man and sometimes I think I've been unsure about myself.
I'm now 37 years old and yes I like videogames, I life spaceships, action films, I think in a practical logical way and don't sense emotions and I'm a brute and clumsy and above all I'm attracted to women. I love them and I like their parts and I've had sex with them, out of love and out of horniness and I masturbate often thinking about the sexual intimate act.. all this identify as a pura man. However, I have a strong sexual arousal of being a woman and this has never has gone away. From time to time I find it so intense to being a woman, smelling there clothes, walking like them, speaking like them, being a playboy bunny, being a sexy women in her underwear, have an intense but and thinking about something coming in. Plus I've wanted to have great breasts, use the womens perfume, have a big butt, good waist: This feeling is too intense. It makes me mad and at times it makes me depressed. Why has this feeling never gone away? I've had this intense desire of changing into a woman but it seems so selfish. Its a dream of being one but life does not allow you to do that. Plus I know that is a one way road and it could seriously harm as much as your psicological self as your body. This is such a hard subject I've never been able to talk to a therapist, which have treated depression to me but basically because I feel I haven't evolved, I've never solved my independancy, I feel alone I have a very bipolar personality and my sickness is treated as Dysthymia and since about 5 years I started having a gastric problems : Hiatal hernia. They say its food, but I know this disorder was in the most part caused by depression. I really want to be a woman. Am I crazy? I can't tell anybody how big this problem is to me. I look at my face and I see I'm completly a man. I'm ugly as a man. I'm not a royal prince, so my factions will never go for a woman. I just want to feel and dress like a woman once in my life and get back to being a man. This bi gender issue goes away and comes back and from time its unsatiable.
One more thing. People say . Go ahead: Come out of the closet.
It's not easy. It has serious implications. My family is traditional. My father who passed away would seriously be ashamed of me. But most of all it is because I'm unsure of myseld and yes I am afraid. If there would be anyplace in Chile that I could discreetly talk about this and help me accomplish this task, I would be so greatful.

I came to this site because I see people are really professional and respectful to help people like me.

 

Right now it's more of a desire. I've had frequent dreams where I want to put on a womans clothes and be a woman but it's like I never can do it because something prevents it. I want to have that pleasure. Same thing happens when I want to have huge breasts and feel like a woman. I've never really liked having muscles. I've always preferred being voluptuos. Its a trigger that goes from time to time. At times I would have preferred to be born a woman than a man. I've had so many situations when I end up looking at porn sites with shemales thinking thats what I want to be. It's an aberration I try to vanish but it comes every now and then. I've never been with them and I try to stay away from them. I like women purely as they are. I remember when I was 9, I travelled to the States and I looked at hot girls there and I thought myself as them. I'm curious to know how it feels to be a woman but its a strong urge which I manage to neutralize it. Women do turn me on. And I get so horny, I go into nightclubs and at times have gone with call girls. I really hope if I ever cross dress this emotion will disipate but as I've tried it really give me a bummer because I can't do it right (it makes me sick as you can't take manly features off yourself)