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New guy's TL;DR about his sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Solaire, Jul 16, 2014.

  1. Solaire

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    So I'm Solaire, I am 17 year old and have reached the conclusion that I am gay almost a year ago. I still struggle trying to accept it and thus I haven't come out to anyone, but after much pondering and compulsive over-analysis I have decided to put this story out of my chest and post them on this site. I truly believe you guys are an extremely accepting and open-minded bunch and it's wonderful that a forum such as this one exists. If I don't do it, my head may burst.

    So... since I was a little child I cannot recollect experiencing any specific attraction towards the opposite gender. If there was anything that I felt towards girls, it could be best called "curiosity": I was simply there awaiting that hard-to-imagine moment where they'd suddenly become attractive and interesting, our spouses and soul mates. In principle, it was a method similar to what an explorer or anthropologist may utilize when observing a newly-discovered tribe, trying to take the relevant information out of every ritual accomplished.

    I became a teenager and "observation" never started to yield results, despite galloping hormones. Many of the explorers were starting to approach the natives more closely, interacting with them, whereas I was simply put off by an invisible fence. It was only possible for me to think that I was a really bad explorer. I had to try and circumvent the fence. Perhaps a native would've helped me inside.

    The thing about crossing fences is that, if you manage to put in enough determination, there is a likelihood that you'll eventually gain the skill necessary to get over them. But I was dealing with a different, more complex type of fence. It absorbed any determination thrown at it, returning lines of garbage code. Meaningless unfeelings that struck fear on me. Anytime a girl would be friendly or even outright ask me out, I would cover my ears, scared of such a foreign language. I never managed to bundle up the courage to invite a native into my world. I have never kissed, and never been in a relationship. Loneliness filled my ears and my words. I was wandering in some sort of limbo, at all times both exhalted and indifferent. It took me many years to find the fine line between reality and my grandiose idealization of it. I was definitely just waiting for the final, striking moment where these would be magically unified, thus arriving to idealize a desire for idealization. I never imagined I may be simply not interested in females.

    My own gender seemed the only friendly option, the one whom I could most easily emotionally relate to. But a relationship with any one of my male friends was not an option. Many boys would start playing fun on me if I didn't wander in the same territory as them. I was called shy, aloof, boring, unfashionable. As I started taking better care of my appearance many simply chose to put faith in the fact that I'd eventually get a girlfriend, despite my social failures. Again, no second option was provided.

    I felt harassed and heartbroken many times and I didn't know why. Every time I interacted with the opposite gender the lack of connection would make me feel numb and emotionless, incapable of experiencing love. I became completely incapable of talking to a girl and found myself having to put up an act for the only gender I could click with. I was alone a lot of the time, as well as depressed. Sometimes I thought my life was meaningless, that I was just a useless drone.

    But eventually... I figured it out. And it was a matter of seconds.
    The enterprise my father works in gives an opportunity to the employees' sons to participate in summer camps. One year I chose the cruise in the Adriatic Sea. One member of the crew appeared quite feminine. He told us he had a girlfriend, but was met with skepticism. The annoying person that was our instructor jokingly assembled a "task force" formed by us with the mission to give him back his "masculinity". At that point I felt so alienated that my mind started wondering. Wasn't it paradoxical for someone like me, who had never had a girlfriend, to be elected as the paladin of some twisted heteronormative concept?

    Then it came to me. In bold, capital letters. I AM GAY.
    Everything came together. All the rejection from my guy friends that I experienced. All the difficulties with the opposite sex. And a one-time chat I had on a bus with a stranger person, who suggested this to me for the first time, after she'd seen I was sad, and then promptly disappeared.
    Heartbroken, jealous... these feelings completely transformed in my eyes. They were (mostly) directed at guys. And they were not failure. They were being alive. They were the understanding that I was capable of feelings as deep as caring for another person, who just happened to be a male, even if they were not reciprocated. I was not a drone after all.

    And so this is my story. I apologize if it's so long, but I seriously needed to talk to someone. And it's not over. I am closeted and some part of me seems to enjoy believing that I am incapable of being in a relationship. I am afraid of who might judge me, I'm afraid of who might date me. The dating world simply looks ruthless to me, a deeply unfair challenge with no happy ending. And I still feel socially isolated, especially with respect to women, and I don't know why, even though it's gotten better now that I've met some wonderful girls. I wonder if any LGBT people experience the same disconnection from the opposite gender. It doesn't look like a very common topic.

    I guess everything I want is a few deep, meaningful bonds. Whenever these bonds exist, they seem to produce wonderful people. And that is my idea of love. I shall carry on with that.
    My greetings,
    Solaire (&&&)
     
  2. Peacemaker

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    :slight_smile: interesting, you pique my curiosity, i have felt the same towards the opposite genders but am able to become friends with them as long as they know i dont like them
     
  3. Nychthemeron

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    Well, hello and welcome to EC!

    Glad to hear you've managed to come to terms with your sexuality. That's never too easy.

    I don't feel a disconnection from the opposite gender, but I do feel a disconnection from the opposite sex. Not sure if I count, though. Hah.

    I am also closeted from the public, and I share your same fears about dating. But if you think about it, anyone who judges you doesn't deserve you anyway.

    In any case, it's good to meet you. Thanks for sharing your story.
     
  4. Brandiac

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    I'm not gonna lie, you ALMOST brought me to tears at the end with this. And that's not a very easy thing for people to do. No need for apologies, I enjoyed reading all of this and I feel you man. If there were more people like you there would the world would be a nicer place to be.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    Greeting Solaire, welcome to EC!

    I have seldom read such beautifully expressed words from a 17 year old! Congratulations to you for discovering who you are. Your yearnings and fears may seem to be yours alone, but I assure you, they are not. You have come to the right place to share them.

    You mentioned that the dating world seems ruthless. It may seem less so if you see it as a game, with definite rules and codes that are very specific to the dance of attraction and love. If you see it as a game, "losing" means only that you get the chance to "play" again, it does NOT mean that you are a "loser".

    As for the social isolation from women, this is not uncommon either. I suspect that, as you gain confidence in being who you are, you will find interactions with women to be a little safer. But this is only a guess.

    Keep us posted and don't hesitate to ask as many questions as you need to!
     
  6. Solaire

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    ...Thanks :icon_redf
    It's also good to hear because English is not my mother tongue.

    Interesting. I never really thought about it like that. I guess that maybe the game is so complex, that sometimes one loses the forest for the trees and stops viewing it as a game. Rejection is possibly the single thing I am the most afraid of. Since I probably have some social anxiety issues it's likely that it won't go away completely, and it's all a gamble over whether I will be able to control my emotions. It helps to think there is a more tranquillizing way to think about it.

    Could be. I hear being out of the closet definitely helps with your sense of identity, and that's why I'm planning to come out soon. I hope it gets resolved the way you guys say, because it'd be pretty weird to leave such a great chunk of humanity out of your friendships. Perhaps "disconnection" is a strong word. In general I find it easier to connect with guys, on all levels, and prefer to be around them, while I am much more anxious (and quiet) with girls.
    That doesn't mean I haven't experienced any meaningful opposite-sex friendship. My current one is one helluva weird physically affectionate thingy. Being that I have identified as gay I don't think it'll ever move to romantic territory, but I think we're both strange enough to keep it enjoyable.