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Married to a man ... but Lesbian

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mavys, Jul 16, 2014.

  1. Mavys

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    Hello all :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I really don't know where to begin... Married, 3 kids... I always knew (somewhere in me :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) that I was a lesbian, but I married a man. I came out to my parents after having my first child from a previous relationship. They accepted me like everyone would like to be accepted. But I think I am the problem here. I don't know what to do or what I should tell you guys about me ... If you have any questions and if you can help me please do. The only thought of being gay makes me wanna throw up and I don't know why. I'm scared... I don't understand myself. I have panic attacks every night and I can't ignore what I am anymore... but geez I don't want to break my family... My husband is the best person I have ever met... what is wrong with me... :tears: :bang:
     
  2. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Ok, so to the questions (to try and help disentangle what's been going on for you).

    What makes you think you might be a lesbian?
    What's held you back from pursuing a relationship with a woman?
    Why do you think you got married to a man?
    What is it you struggle with about being a lesbian/being gay?
    Imagine a future for you where you felt fulfilled and happy- what would it look like in an ideal world?
    Taking the above into account, what do you want to do about being married now?

    I realise these are some pretty big loaded personal questions, and you don't need to answer them here, or think about them just now- but hopefully they might help you explore some of your feelings.

    All the best.
     
  3. paris

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    Welcome to EC, Mavys. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just a lesbian in a hetero marriage, as many others here on the forum, so don't be scared, you're far from alone. (*hug*) You can read many similar posts, especially in the LGBT Later in Life section.
    I myself am in a similar situation, I'm not married and have no kids though but I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 13 yrs. He's the best person I've ever met, yet I dream about being with a woman badly. I tried to suppress those feelings for the sake of the relationship but it wasn't working and my desire to women has been getting stronger with time.
    I wonder why being gay make you wanna throw up considering your parents are accepting. Purplefrog asked you good questions, I think. I've never been into counselling myself but many people benefit from it and would tell you it's a good way how to start. Wish you all the best.
     
  4. Mavys

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    Thank you so much for answering this fast! I'm glad not to be the only one :eusa_danc
    Even if it's not something that I wish to people because it's complicated. I think I need to accept myself more first. Even if my parents are good with me I am still struggling with myself because I got married to a man. I think I did that because I didn't want to be lesbian and it was the way I've been raised ...This just made sense and I wanted to be 'normal'. It was just easier that way and now I am ashamed that I took the easier path because I'm probably going to break his life.

    Here are the answers to the questions :

    Q:What makes you think you might be a lesbian?

    A: I always knew it, I've always been attracted by girls when I was young


    Q:What's held you back from pursuing a relationship with a woman?

    A: I had 2-3 relationships that didn't last with women. Nothing was going how I imagined. When I was with women I already had a baby and wanted more. I guess I wanted things to happen too fast and maybe I was not with the good person to pursue my dreams of having a family.


    Q:Why do you think you got married to a man?

    A: It was easier , I wanted kids and it's easy to have one with a man


    Q:What is it you struggle with about being a lesbian/being gay?

    A:I think I am just affraid because I think it's too late now that I am with a man. I don't want to lose him because he is my best friend and a good partner... but honestly... and sorry to be rude... but penises... not for me... It's good to make children but I'm not really interested in it. But it's not only a sexual matter. I just think that on the romantic/emotional side of things it would be better with a woman


    Q:Imagine a future for you where you felt fulfilled and happy- what would it look like in an ideal world?

    A: Having more kids, feeling loved but also LOVE with all my heart. Sleeping at night because I know I'm at the right place at the right moment. In my situation I wake up in the morning unhappy and sometimes I don't even sleep because I panicked all night long. ( That's why I feel like throwing up, seems like panic attacks does that to ppl)


    Q:Taking the above into account, what do you want to do about being married now?

    A: I have no good answer for this one. I'm in the process of thinking about everything I want for my life but it's so complicated that I feel like there is no solution. It's like I have to suck it up for the family. I don't want my kids to be disturbed by all this... I don't want to hurt anyone. I know I'm hurting myself in the process but at least it's just me for now. I just have to think about it a lot because I won't be able to do that until the rest of my life. It's like I'm lying to myself. Everyday I put a mask on and I play a role that I hate. I really need to work on myself....

    Thank you again.
    and sorry for my english I am french (!)
     
    #4 Mavys, Jul 17, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2014
  5. Scared777

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    I feel the same way you do...I can especially identify with your answer to the last question. I don't have any answers...maybe it just takes time... I dunno...but one thing I do know... Cheating on our spouses is not the way to go....we need to give them the respect that they deserve and be honest with them...I'm not saying you would do that...but that was something I faced when I was trying to figure things it....still am trying to figure out what to do....
     
  6. Jguy365

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    Your mind is just being curious. Most everyone at some point wonders what it would be like to be with one of the same sex. If you truly love your husband and have a good standing relationship, stick with it and don't worry about being lesbian..so long as it is contained to just a thought. If you start to get lustful feelings, that is when it will really become an issue. For now, stick with the way you are.
     
  7. HTBO

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    The last question, I can relate with your answer. I used to think that the only person I was hurting was myself, and it was worth it. I was very wrong. I was not only cheating myself by living a lie, but also my husband. There was very little intimacy and no romantic feelings on my behalf, never really was there. There was a lot of tension which the kids picked up on. After I came out to him it was tense at the beginning but we have all adjusted and are much happier. We're separated, but we live as roommates. We pursue our own lives and do what we want, the kids know I'm gay and that we're not together and seem to be accepting and are fairly happy with how things function right now. The worst part is not knowing how it will turn out, I remember that very well. Take some time to figure out what you want to do, and try to find some self-acceptance. There is nothing wrong with you being gay, it just takes a while until you can acknowledge that.
     
  8. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    I'm sorry but I don't find the above very helpful. Coming to terms with being gay AND being in a straight marriage would no doubt be incredibly difficult and painful. Whatever decision one makes, there is always going to be fall out and hurt - whether to the spouse, or the person coming out. Life is not straightforward, and to continue suppressing oneself for the sake of a relationship rather than one's sanity seems madness.
     
  9. Madgoddess

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    I was actually afraid I was the only one who felt like this.
     
  10. Scared777

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    Nope Madgoddess!!!....there's a lot of us that are in the same situation and have the same dilemma and don't know what to do....Don't worry...ur not alone.
     
  11. Maddie89

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    This is exactly what I'm going through, only I didn't know I was gay/biromantic until after a year of marriage. I love my husband though and it kills me to think I would hurt him. He knows but still plans for our future... And I just cry. I look at him and I cry. I say I love you and I cry. I watch lesbian couples and I cry. I cry at the thought of divorce but feel relieved somehow. So I cry, Inside and out.

    *hugs*
     
  12. stocking

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    Seems like this marriage is causing her more pain than happiness one thing she should do is learn to accept that she's lesbian . I think the problems she's worried about what she has to give up and the fact that she will hurt her husband if she went for what she truly wanted . But if she stayed in this marriage it will take a deeper toll on her , clearly it already